Rape And The 38 Yr Old (Not Related)

She did it again last night and I don’t know who to go to. I’m totally embarrassed and confused by the whole ordeal. The angry Asian roommate raped me again last night. 1:00 this morning I groggily wake up to the click-click-click of handcuffs sliding on to my wrists. I takes me awhile to come out of my self induced intoxicated comma to realize that I was now chained to my bed with no hope of getting up and out of bed. Then I feel this warm sensation on my genitals and see the roommate applying the warming lube and feverishly stroking my penis in order to get it erect. I do my best to think of something disgusting and gross but it doesn’t work, within 30 seconds I’m standing at full mast. Within no time she is on top of me, riding me like she’s a jockey in the Kentucky Derby.

Ok, none of that was true, and it was starting to gross me out writing about my penis and sex, but hopefully it got the roommate’s blood pressure up in a fit of rage for a couple of minutes. Ha, ha, roommate, that’s twice now! (the garden hose in the shower thing wasn’t real either, but her dumping cold water on me was, bitch)

You have to check out this posting by Swandad from May 5th of last year. It starts off a little slow (not that I’m criticizing!) but your jaw will drop at the end.

Last night I met a very attractive 38 yr old woman at the bar who we’ll call C, not to hide her real name, but because I only have “C” typed in my cell phone as I didn’t want to futz with the phone at the bar and for the life of me I can’t remember what her real name was. Anyways, attractive 38 yr old who just moved back from New Jersey to be with her ailing mother. I walked in the door, all the choice seats were taken so I stood by the door and talked with the bartender for a while. After surveying the situation and observe her talking to the bartender I decide to go sit in the spot between her and G the hairdresser. “You’re not going to bite if I sit here, are you?” She laughs as just 20 minutes before she had an old guy snap at her for smoking a cigarette (yo, this is Wisconsin, not NY). For an hour the two of us have a hilarious who-can-make-fun-of-who-more conversation with the bartender. Everything from him suggesting we’re together and I’m the pillow biter to me offering to have a sex change and donate my penis to him but him not knowing what to do with something that size (sometimes it was a little disturbing with several references to the movie Deliverance). The bartender points out the “Don’t exchange fluids with anyone named B” sign on the wall and says he’ll bet that she’s in my bed by halftime of the football game. I down play this and try to just be my normal self which seems to work, as the music gets louder she’s leaning in closer and closer. She says she sees right through me, that I’m not looking for a real girlfriend and that my maturity level hasn’t exactly caught up with my 29 years of existence. Uh, see right through me? By being my normal self and telling you some stupid stories about shit I’ve done I’m trying to come off as a 29 yr old who acts like a 35 yr old? I guess she was just a little loony, but still cute. The end of the night came with a disappointing kiss (come on, all the older women put out, and the one I sit next to doesn’t). Maybe I’ll call her, maybe not.

As if not getting laid by a 38 yr old wasn’t enough, someone in the weight room called me B today and not Big Bad Brian. Now what the fuck am I going to do? I’ve been living this fantasy for two weeks now, Big Bad Brian is an animal in the weight room (except for when he’s hung over), making women wet just by walking in the door. College girls purposely stretch and workout in positions where their crotches/ass cheeks are partially visible from my general vicinity. I don’t want to go back to Pussy Boy B, struggling with the 25 lb dumb bells, laboring over the simplest exercises such as standing up. Chicks give Pussy Boy B that look that says “Damn, you’re a pathetic weakling in the weight room, what the fuck are you sweating so much for? And since you stayed out till 1:00 last night the bags under your eyes make you look old. Come to think of it, my tight ass and boob package is only 19 years old, you’re a whole decade older than me. Can you still even get it up?” On a serious note, I keep track of what body part I do on each day and recently included the number of pushups I do on chest days (since the shoulder isn’t 100% yet). In the past seven days I have done 900 pushups. The sad part is, in the last seven days, I have had more than 900 ounces of beer (that’s 75 12 ouncers). 75 in a week is an average of 11 a night and on the average night that’s just in the first 2.5 hours of me being out. On football Sunday alone I went through 7 pitchers (new personal record!) which is roughly 31 glasses. That might explain why I fell out of bed during sex and now walk with a limp.

Speaking of weight rooms, didn’t this ugly mother fucker used to be skinny as a rail?