Our Madame X And A Painful Pee

I’ve been reading Swandad’s blog for a number of hours now, starting from the beginning and working my way up (sorry, only up to April 23, 2005). Like Third and Long’s one time customer of the week Madame X who sits and laughs or cried to herself as she watches TV and drags men home after making out for 15 minutes, our corner bar has one too. I usually don’t use real names, but this one needs it, not to identify her but because it’s that big of a deal. Sarah. Sarah only comes in on karaoke nights and usually arrives quite early as I think her dad drops her off. Last night was no different. I entered the bar around 8:30 and there she was in her usual seat in front of the TV. 8:30 and her eyes were already getting a little droopy. Asian and I (wait, think she gets offended by that, maybe I should change it to Korean just to be correct) watch a couple friends play pool till two bar stools open up. Me with the longer legs beat the Asian to the bar and take the seat on the end (ok, fine, I actually gave her an elbow and shoulder, but this seat was important). The roommate is stuck sitting next to Sarah and informs me I'm a bitch for making her sit there. After half an hour there I go to use the bathroom. Upon my return the roommate said she made Sarah cry. I guess Sarah was using “Jew” in a derogatory manner and then backed that up with the fact that she’s taking a Holocaust course. Don’t ask me how those two go together but the angry Asian got her to cry at some point. So I figure I might get in on some of the action if she’s in this delicate state. “Sarah, are you about ready to ditch this place and go back to my house for some lovin’?” Oh did I get the scowl. “Come on, I’ll even buy you a pitcher of beer.” She looks away in disgust. “I’ll even let you put my gerbil up my ass.” Really, I don’t have a gerbil. I keep a completely straight face but the roommate can’t and heads out the door. That was pretty much the end of the conversation. Later she was seen dancing in her seat to some gay ass song, mouthing the lyrics like she was a rock star. I give her shit every time I see her and she still says hi when I walk in the door, I don’t get it.

At one point I looked at the roommate and said “For some reason it hurts when I pee.” She gets this blank dumbfounded look on her face that lasts five seconds. “Do I need to go get tested?” she asks me. “No, I know what the problem is. It’s the sunflower seeds.” Another look of wonderment from her and I go on to explain. “You know how I’ve been digging the sunflower seeds at work (really addicting too) and how they make me smoke and eat less. Well, after three weeks my system couldn’t take it anymore. Constantly having a mouthful of salt has affected my urinary track. In the mornings I pee like a champion, all the way up to lunch time. After lunch I bust out the sunflower seeds and much away for four hours. By the time I get home I’m in agony when it comes to taking a leak (which really makes masturbating and shooting a load quite interesting, little pain, little pleasure). Drinking five pitchers of beer every night (how much would that cost me in NY? I think I’d go broke) makes me scream and shout in the bathroom as gallons of fluids pass through me at an alarming rate. But again, by the morning everything’s back to normal.” Again she looks at me with this “is that possible” look and the conversation changes to something else. What baffles me is my system can handle five pitchers of beer every night but a bag of sunflower seeds makes me writhe in agony? I don’t’ get it but that is what my observation is. And of course today do you think I stayed away from the sunflower seeds? Hell no, but I did consume them at a less rapid pace (I was up to a handful every three minutes, today I took self imposed penalty breaks). This evening I am peeing at a reduced pain level (I know you all are relieved). By Sunday I’ll be back to 100% as I don’t eat them on the weekends. I’m thinking next week I’ll just stick to the cigarettes and pee/masturbate pain free.