Question of the Day

I’m not an expert on the human body. Sure, I know a little bit about weightlifting and how the knee works when its missing a ligament or two but when it comes to other things below the belt, including the female vagina, fuck man, I’m just stumped. Another organ below the belt that you’d think I would know something about would be the anus. With as much farting a shitting that I do every day you’d think I be an analologist (or whatever the professional medical name is). (For the record I know its proctologist but I think analologist just sounds better, so there.) Today at 3:00, as I was getting up to go for a cigarette, I felt this slight pain in the shitholder area (don’t you just love all these technical terms?). I knew right away that I’d have to hit the restroom before going for a smoke otherwise I’d have a rather messy situation on my hands. I grabbed the cell phone so I could play the billiards game to pass the time on the can.

It started like any other regular old poop fest with the usual gas and a couple turds. The sounds coming out were actually kind of funny, to the point where I thought about using the phone to record them for later playback (and possibly make the Renter fart – she’s weak like that). And then, without warning, the firewater came. It burned so bad I couldn’t just let it all out at once. I had to cut it off when the pain got to be too much, prolonging the experience even longer. Thank God there wasn’t anyone else in there or they would have heard me grunt, pant, and even wince. It was so bad I even shed a tear or two. Eventually it stopped and I got a chance to catch my breath. Unfortunately, just like with tornados, I was in the eye of the storm. Minutes later I had to go through the whole process all over again, now with another person in the restroom, holding my whimpers to a minimum. My butthole never felt such searing pain like that before.

I won’t even go into the cleanup process.

As I went to get up I nearly fell over. My legs had fallen asleep and were very unresponsive. I massaged my thighs, kicked my foot against the wall, did anything that would get the blood flowing again. I got my shirt tucked in, washed my hands and wiped the sweat off my forehead before walking out the door like a newborn calf with unsteady legs.

Now, to you dear readers, I pose this question. Could all this pain and suffering be caused by the obnoxious amount of hot sauce I ate exactly 43 hours earlier? I had a steak taco which came with some chips and salsa. It took me three attempts with ten minute breaks in between to finish said chips and salsa. I had to wipe the sweat out of my hair with a napkin so much that it looked like I had just taken a shower. The shit was hot, just like my shit was hot today. But 43 hours later? Doesn’t that seem like a long time?

UPDATE: I was still shitting at 6:00. I don't know if that would still be the salsa.