What Would You Offer?

I read today that New York is raising its cigarette tax by $1.25 to a total of $2.75 a pack. The cigarette tax is supposed to bring in $1.3 billion for the state budget. Fuck that, dude.

Being the nice guy that I am, I truly feel sorry for all you New York smokers. $10 a pack really sucks. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to rent a U-Haul trailer, buy as many cartons that will fit in it and drive it on over to your fair state. I’m going to set up shop on the corner of 3rd Ave and East 35th St. and sell them to you for $8 (or sexual favors). The only problem here is that I think transporting tobacco over state lines is like illegal or something if your sole purpose is to sell them in a different state (didn’t read anything about the sexual favors being illegal, hint, hint). Therefore I’m going to propose a new plan. In exchange for two beers at Third and Long I’ll give you two packs of smokes and some quality conversation time (or making out, ladies, which ever you prefer). Now I know everyone’s going to mob that corner so we’re going to have to set up a signup sheet. The signup sheet is going to fill up fast and my Jeep Wrangler doesn’t have much towing capability so there won’t be a shit load of packs available. So, in order to make sure you make it to the top of the list (you had to see this one coming), I will be taking special “offers.” What you offer is up to you. I’ll need a place to stay so if you offer a bed you’ll be right up there at the top. You might not be ahead of those two 5’10” models who are out of work and don’t have anything to offer but their bodies but I’ll make sure you get your cigs. The most interesting and creative (and sexual) offers will most certainly make it on the list.

The best offer will get something very special. I’m going to offer a special four-pack of smokes on Monday and Tuesday ($1 draft nights at Third and Long). In exchange for $40 worth of cigarettes you’ll get my company all night long while you supply me with only $24 worth of beer. That’s right, a $16 dollar savings (!!!) and at least eight hours of fart jokes complete with actual farts!!! I know, pretty fucking sweet! We just have to make sure we blame the odor on that black guy with the gray goatee. Besides, he just looks like he’d be stinky.

So send in your offer. The estimated time of arrival will depend on the best offers and your availability. Oh, and don’t forget to tell me what brand of smokes you want.

(This is going to be awesome!)