I Try, People

I’ve been on this kick where I’ve been trying to put out (he, he, put out) (wait, that was pretty gay) five posts a week, one for every week day. Coming from me that’s a lot of posts. I’m not a writer, I’m really not that funny, I do a lot of stupid shit but coming up with five good posts a week, uh, its tough man. So if some of the past posts have been lame, I apologize. My goal is to knock your socks off (or your panties) every time you click on over.

Today I actually had a thought for a post, not just a retelling of how I tripped on my penis walking up the steps or got my finger stuck in one of those bathroom condom machines. I haven’t really put any serious thought into it yet but I’ve got a start on it, figured I’d just write it on the fly. So here it goes.

Why the gym is better than working out at home.

As you know I’ve joined the gym again. I’ve been going during my lunch hour on a regular basis for the past week and a half. And let me tell you, I’m a pretty happy camper.

1. It gets me out of the office for an hour. For the last six months I’ve been working through lunch and the one hour breather breaks up the day pretty well.

2. There are women at the gym; hot, young women bending over on the stair masters showing their “shoot your load here” tattoos. And of course they have the short shorts and tight shirts that leave little to the imagination. It’s a thing of beauty.

3. The 40-yr-old woman at the gym is looking nice. Unfortunately she’s going to Mexico with some dude so I guess she’s kinda off limits right now. Don’t worry, I’ll tap that at some point.

4. There’s nothing like doing bench presses on an actual gym bench. The bench that I have at home is one of those that has the back that can be raised at different angles. This tends to lead to a little bit of flexing and a general feeling of instability. I was quite pleased with the weight I could do on the gym bench.

5. I get to be Brian again. The second day back the old lawyer was in the gym. I walked up to him and he jumped back, “Brian, good to have you back!” Later I could hear him yelling down the hall, “Hey, did you see that Brian’s back?!” Look out ladies, Big Bad Brian’s back in the house.

6. I’m not really self-conscious about my body but I’ll admit I’m a bit vain. The gym has mirrors, many mirrors. I love wearing tank tops to the gym and checking myself out in the mirror. Not that I’m huge huge but there aren’t too many other people at the gym who are bigger than I am. And there’s nothing like posing in the mirror and checking out striations in your shoulders and a nice clean line where your shoulders meet your triceps. Yeah, just a bit vain.

7. Did I mention all the hot chicks?

8. The vast number of machines and equipment at the gym is a hell of a lot more useful than any home gym. Back exercises at home consisted of hanging exercises with only one weight available, 230 lbs. At the gym you can get on a machine and do pull downs with any weight you want. Instead of doing four pull-ups on your sixth set you can set the weight at 190 and do eight.

9. The gym has dumbbells up to 120 lbs. Try hauling one of those into your basement.

10. You can use the mirrors to check out the hot chicks. Instead of making direct eye contact you can position yourself to get a good view in the reflection of a mirror. Not that I’d ever purposefully do that of course.

So yeah, the gym’s going well. As an added bonus I can get up to the bar earlier and get home earlier for a good night’s sleep – only to be woken up by the Renter watching TV at 2:00 in the morning.