Somebody Reads This Blog!!!

Well no, not really, maybe but I doubt it. Maybe I should have gift bags and contests and prizes or something. Or I could give out free condoms (unused of course).

But I did get a phone call today from someone who actually wanted to use my penis. Yeah, I too had to read that twice after I wrote it. After I put the last post out there I figured I’d get at least a couple hundred emails from women who wanted to do me (yeah right). Emails with hot and steamy photos attached (even more far fetched). This stupid blog will never get me laid and more than likely will prevent me from getting laid. Good thing I have porn.

Around 3:00 today I got an email from an ex-coworker. It was one of those hey, how are you kind of emails and I didn’t think much of it. 3:05 my phone rang. You know someone’s pretty damn anxious if they can’t wait five minutes for a response to their email.

Yeah, like with most of my ex-coworkers, we used to do it. I shouldn’t say most of my ex-coworkers; it was only six, seven if you count the woman who put my hand on her breast in the stairwell. Talk about making my hand look small. Some of them I actually dated while others were just for fun. I believe only one of them was married. And as you can guess, none of them ended too well. (Uh, I had to pass one of them every time I had to use the bathroom, that one sucked – but she was hot.) This was all back in my younger and dumber days. But two of them have managed to acquire my number and email address as I have changed jobs and moved – two satisfied customers.

The phone conversation started out slow. I could tell she was testing the water. And then BLAM, the words dry spell and therapy and a woman has her needs came out all in the same sentence. This actually sent me backpedaling for a bit. It’s not every day that a woman calls me up looking for sex (but God that would be great). I didn’t know what to say. If you know me, you can probably guess what happened next.

Think you’ve got it?

Yeah, I declined (fucking pussy).

I don’t know why I declined. I made up some bullshit about having to lift weights (true) and do laundry (did it last night) and that I already had other plans tonight (complete bullshit). I could feel the disappointment in her tone after that. We ended the conversation that we’d put it off for another time.

Man, I turned down sex.

I’m ok, really. I still have the $10 co-pay ball handling/annual checkup coming up in November. Maybe. She wanted me to not drink for 10 days and redo some blood work. That was last November. I might have not drank for 10 days total in that time span. Yeah, I’m kicking the bucket at 40.