Recognition

Usually when you come to this site you know what to expect. It’s usually either some story about me whacking off or getting drunk or falling down or whacking off while getting drunk and falling down suffering life threatening penile injuries. Seriously, there isn’t much to me besides the animalistic need to fondle my junk and chug a beer. Lately I’ve had this tourettes-like reaction where I yell “titties” every time there are boobs on the TV. Every time. 30 second commercial for Miller Lite = 5 shouts of “titties” with each one getting progressively louder. But come on, you can’t blame me; large pushed up titties on TV deserved to be recognized.

Which brings me to today’s topic – recognition. First, let me introduce you to the FA (financial advisor). FA, can you wave to everyone? Yeah, he’s that goofy guy in the back with that funny grin. FA’s wife, can you please stand and wave to everyone also? No shit, I wondered how he landed her too; dude must go down on chicks or something.

So I got my statements from the FA’s company last night. I’ve been keeping tabs on the market lately and I knew it had jumped quite a bit in the past month so I was eager to open them. I ripped open the envelope. I yelled (more like shrieked). I crapped my pants (and I wish I was kidding on this one). I ran to the bathroom laughing all the way because the numbers were impressive and now I had another shitting-my-pants story to put in the blog. I know how much you guys like those.

Anyone’s retirement strategy should be to earn more money off your investments than you spend so you continually build on your assets. Well my friends, my investments earned more than I spent last month. Fuck, my investments earned more than I did going to work every day. Unfortunately I’m only 30 and can’t rely on the market to do that every month. Good thing too; I don’t think my penis could take all the free time.

We’re talking over 5% here. In one month. FA, if you were here right now I’d kiss you, tongue even.

Wait, the DOW went up 7.2% and the NASDAQ went up 7.6%. FA, you suck! You owe me a 5’3” Asian hooker!

(I can just see the look on his face now. After getting all that praise at the beginning to getting slammed in front of a national audience – priceless!)

To be honest, I was quite impressed with the results and always have been with the FA’s advice. While I didn’t make 7% last month like the indexes did I won’t lose 7% if the market goes back down. My port is pretty stable – something has to be in my life, might as well be it. The FA knows what he’s doing and I appreciate his services.

But I’m not letting him off on the hooker. On second thought, let’s go with a Puerto Rican.

Which brings me to another story. Last Saturday my dad and sister came over in the morning. Dad mowed the lawn and we sat down and watched the Badger game. The game was at 11:00 and they ended up leaving around 3:30. After being cooped up for four and a half hours I needed to get out. And the corner bar wasn’t open yet.

I convinced the Renter to drive to the old Sunday free pool bar. Since we bought the new pool sticks from Wal-Mart we’ve been playing pool more often. The results are still the same (with me kicking her ass), but I think she just likes prancing around with her pink pool stick.

After a while a guy named Mark came in and he and I played eight or so games. We pretty much split the games which was surprising. I don’t think I ever sobered up on Saturday and by pitcher number three I was starting to fade. We took a break so Mark could eat his burger. And then it happened.

“Are you Kent?”

“Nope.” I shook my head no and turned around to see the hottest little Asian girl I have ever seen. 5’3”, maybe 100 lbs (probably less), and cute as a button. She was there for some modeling promotion they were running in the back room. She was wearing a tight tank top and a short mini skirt with high heels. Trust me, if she was offering I was paying, big time. She walked away and eventually found Kent.

For the next hour Mark and I yelled back and forth, “My name’s Kent!”

Cute little Asian girl who was looking for Kent: you have posed and danced in my dreams for three nights now. Please don’t be a stranger. My name’s B to the… but you can call me Kent if that turns you on. I can provide shelter and all the rice you want. I might even be able to scrounge up a cat or two from the neighborhood.