Miss Teen USA

Usually on Friday nights I’ll sit on the deck, drink 12 beers, and write for you in some form of broken English that may or not make sense and may or not have proper punctuation and may or not be racially/sexually/masturbatially appropriate. But this Friday, while half shitting solids half liquids, I got a text from the Friday bartender. “Come watch Teen USA in the air conditioning.” Yeah, everyone knows I don’t turn the air on. So I finished up, wiped for what seemed like forever, took a shower, got dressed and headed up to the bar.

It’s not uncommon for the bartenders to call or text me to come up to the bar. If it’s slow and they’re bored they know there’s one poor sap who lives a block away who will keep them company with a sense of humor only I can bring. And its nice feeling needed so I usually jump at the opportunity.

I walked in to see both the bartender and the woman who I’ve had what seems to be a decade long running joke that I want to sleep with her (well, ok, I do) and she kiddingly downplays it every time (ok, maybe not so kiddingly). And what do you know, they had Miss Teen USA on all the TVs. Holy fuck!!! These girls were absolutely fucking hot! I know, some of them weren’t exactly 18, but I did my best to forget their ages when they showed them and just kept the thought that some of them were 18 so it was all good. I got there just in time for the swimsuit competion. Good Lord these girls were hot. In between talking with the bartender and offering to buy Sex Girl all the drinks she wanted so she could say she was really drunk when she slept with me I could be found sitting at the bar quietly moaning and humping the waitress stand. Seriously, Miss Teen USA was that fucking good.

Friday turned out to be a very good night. As soon as I walked in I hot a shot of Southern Comfort in front of me. Southern Comfort is my drink of choice but I’m just too fucking cheap to order it at the bar. And, as I learned Friday, Southern Comfort straight up if fucking horrible when it’s the first beverage you’ve had for the night. “Good God, you mean I actually like this stuff when I’m loaded?” Yeah, I went on to have six shots in total for the night along with five or six pitchers of beer. It was a good night. And my liver’s expiration date got changed by a couple of years.

Back to Miss Teen USA… Lawyer Guy and I actually placed bets on who was going to win it and dat da da dah, I won when Miss Colorado (and her lovely fake boobs) took the title. (Miss Colorado (Hilary Cruz, oh, the dark skin…), if you happen to read this, and I mean this in the most honest way possible, I will love you and feed you and provide for you for the rest of your life. I will even (gulp) go down on you in the bedroom. Just give me a chance. Trust me, you’ll love it. Greatest opportunity ever.)

I'm sorry but I couldn't find any photos of the swimsuit contest but take my word, those puppies sitting on her chest were simply marvelous.