FA Alive and Well (and Secretly Gay!)

The FA sent me a link to this article on Yahoo! Finance (provided by Bankrate.com) on daily habits and expenses with a snide little “you do one or two of these, huh?” comment. The top 10 money drains they listed were coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, bottled water, manicures, car washes, weekday lunches out, vending machine snacks, interest charges on credit cards, and unused gym memberships. They wrote up little paragraphs for each one.

Coffee -- According to the National Coffee Association, the average price for brewed coffee is $1.38. There are roughly 260 weekdays per year, so buying one coffee every weekday morning costs almost $360 per year.

I rarely buy pre-brewed coffee. I’ll go to Duncan Donuts once in a while but that’s only so I can get seriously aroused and masturbate while I drink the greatest coffee in the world. Otherwise I buy coffee in the can and either make it at work or at home. And just like my vodka, the coffee says Roundy’s on the label too.

Cigarettes -- The Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids reports that the average price for a pack of cigarettes in the United States is $4.54. Pack-a-day smokers fork out $1,660 a year. Weekend smoker? Buying a pack once a week adds up, too: $236.

Yeah, I smoke cigarettes. Lately with all the Brewer’s games and preseason Monday Night Football I’ve been smoking about three packs for every two days. At $3.46 a pack that runs me $1,895 a year, but it’s just something that I do. Oh, and it builds character. Just look at how cool that Marlboro Man was.

Alcohol -- Drink prices vary based on the location. But assuming an average of $5 per beer including tip, buying two beers per day adds up to $3,650 per year. Figure twice that for two mixed drinks a day at the local bar. That's not chump change.

I wasn't going to comment on this one but it keeps... pulling... me... in (gravitation). $5 per beer, are you fucking crazy? In the land where the king of beers is not a Budweiser, people in Milwaukee would boycott bars if they charged $5 for a beer. My bar charges $5 for a pitcher (48 ounces). And “figure twice that for two mixed drinks”? $10 a drink? Good Lord, the person writing this article must not get out much. In fact, I’m going to guess the person who wrote this doesn’t drink at all (fucking pussy). Who the fuck goes out and gets two beers? “Uh, yeah, I’ve had two already, I better get going.” Ha!!! Sadly, when I started to calculate my annual spending on alcohol I temporarily lost control of my bowl functions and shit my pants just a bit. It turned out to be just a small brown streak and was easily fixed with a couple spritzes of cologne, but still, I had shit my pants. Using a very conservative figure of $20 per day and a really rough estimate on the number of days I drink (365) I figured I spend $7,300 on alcohol a year. $608 a month. I could be one of those assholes driving around in a Beemer or Lexus with that kind of cash. But then you wouldn’t have any dumb/retarded/disgusting stories to read about on this here website (which is not biased towards the gays so please stop sending me your Queer in the Rear personal ads, really).

(Seriously though, FA, does your wife know?)