OK

I heard Jenna Jameson is on the cover of Ultimate Grappling this month. Yeah, talk about ultimate grappling. The one woman in porn who always seems to want more. Uh. I’d like to grapple with her.

(five minutes later)

Some things piss me off. I’m usually an easy going guy, but sometimes I do get upset. For example, if you are coughing into my sheets while you are lying on my bed in the middle of the living room (because of the five-week bedroom painting process) and I ask you to get off my bed and not cough in the sheets and you don’t move - I will get mad. When said person is sick every other month and I rarely get sick, yeah, please don’t cough on my shit. And don’t get mad at me and go pout in your room (and leave the TV on) when I ask you not to cough on my shit. Like holy fuck. And then said person goes to the doctor the next day because they are ill. Sometimes I wish, I don’t know… Makes you wonder about the thought process, or lack there of, that goes on in some people’s heads.

I hate it when people apologize for not posting. Just wastes 30 seconds of my time that could have been used masturbating or taking a shit. Fuckers. Either don’t post anything or give me some fucked up Japanese poem. Yeah, I like poetry, makes me horny.

And the gross crapping story of the week:

I don’t like taking craps in public places. I stay away from bathrooms in restaurants, gas stations, gyms, or any other place where I can avoid using them. But there are certain situations where you can’t help but use a public bathroom. For example, you have work, Summerfest, State Fair, the corner bar (although I have been known to race home to use my own personal shitter), any time you’re on a bike ride 10 miles out from your house and you just recently got back from Mexico (been there)… There are times when using a public bathroom is unavoidable.

When I use a public bathroom I typically peek in the stall to make sure it’s clean. On one occasion this week, in a public bathroom, I found only one stall among four that was clean. It looked sorta clean, but it also had some “leftovers” from the previous person that didn’t make it down with the flush. So I flushed the toilet, grabbed some toilet paper, and began wiping down the seat so it would be nice and clean. As I bent over the toilet with the toilet paper a big spray of not-quite-flushed-down water shot up and hit me in the forehead, eyes, and nose. Then it ran down my face and over my mouth. I ripped open the bathroom stall and stuck my head underneath the faucet – right in front of two other guys who were standing in the bathroom. I didn’t try to explain the situation. I just clenched my butt cheeks and left the bathroom.

Do you know how hard it is to hold your shit in when you were 30 seconds away from a sweet release? I’ve had nightmares about that for the past two nights. Sweet release, love those words.

Britney Spears is pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is? We need more hot sluts up here in the Midwest. Ah, fuck it; I’ll just take more sluts, hot or not.

I got pretty damn hard reading this article.

I had a “meeting” yesterday afternoon that required a suit and tie (monkey suit). Unlike some “meetings” that require a suit and tie (funerals, court appearances, dates with hookers you want to marry), this was a good “meeting,” an opportunity if you will. Please wish me good luck.

Does anyone else’s mom call you every day telling you what’s for dinner? Seriously. And it’s not like it really matters, all her food tastes like shit anyways. Either shit or cardboard, one or the other. But it’s free.