Drive Home/Women Drivers

Driving home from work last night I made several observations that backed up my already biased opinions about people and how they drive. First there was the guy in the Lexus. I was at a stop light on a three-lane road. My lane was a left turn only, the middle was straight, and the right was right only. The guy in the Lexus was right behind me. The left hand lane was backed up eight deep with cars wanting to turn left. The light turned green and everyone made their procession through the intersection. We must not have been moving fast enough as the guy in the Lexus decided to hop in the middle lane and accelerate past me. When he got to the intersection it was obvious he still wanted to turn left. His driver’s side door was pretty much parallel with my front bumper when he flicked on his turn signal and proceeded to turn in front of me. The road we were turning on to only had one lane due to construction. Knowing full well that the only contact my Jeep would have with his overpriced car would have been the oversize tires that stick out past the fenders I gunned it and got along side of him. He rightly backed off and got in line behind me, right where he was before he tried his asshole “I drive a Lexus” maneuver. I swear, the nerve of some people. My opinion that people who drive Lexus’s and Beamers are dickheads was reinforced.

As I got closer to home I came across another stoplight. I was sitting there all by myself till some kid pulled up along side me in the left hand lane. When the light turned green he tromped on the gas prompting me to do the same. Wouldn’t you know it; he merged into my lane, slammed on his brakes, and made an abrupt right hand turn right in front of me. It was just him and I at the light. Wouldn’t you think that common sense would tell you that if you need to make a right hand turn in less than a block that you would position yourself in the right hand lane well before the turn? I almost followed him into the parking lot he turned into just to give him my piece of mind. My opinion on young drivers – chickity check.

On the way home from the parents’ house I found myself sitting at the exact same stoplight that Mr. Right Turn and I were at, only this time I was going the opposite direction. Some broad was next to me in a Toyota Rav-4. When the light turned green she was on it like me on free beer (you could also substitute chicken wings, fat chicks, or Latina porn instead of free beer). Since the right hand turn incident had occurred only an hour or so earlier I made up my mind that I was not going to be had again. I kept up with her with my front bumper right next to her back bumper just in case she did whip on her signal and cut me off. And then… nothing. She just kept accelerating till she hit ten miles an hour over the speed limit and continued on. My jaw actually dropped when I realized that she didn’t want to merge over and was just driving like usual.

What goes through women’s minds when they’re on the road I will never understand. The Renter unintentionally let me in behind the veil once when we were going to play pool on a Sunday night. There were two stop signs placed approximately 40 yards apart (thank goodness football season is almost here and we can start talking in yards again). Going from one stop sign to the other the Renter accelerated to 30 mph and abruptly slammed on the brakes to make the stop. I looked over at her, “You know that isn’t good for your car.” The response I got back: “Huh?” There you have it folks, the great mystery of what goes through women’s minds when they’re on the road and their knowledge of operating a vehicle – absolutely nothing. Sure, they might know how to operate the gas and brakes, just not in a manner that might prolong the life of their car. And this isn’t even getting in to the instruments typically referred to as a “rearview mirror” or “turn signals.”