(Un)Painfully True

When I go out drinking (rare) I would think it’s safe to say that I consume a decent quantity of beer. I believe the pitchers of beer at the corner bar hold 42 ounces and on a good night I might go through four or five or six of them. Running the numbers through my head (calculator), this would amount to anywhere from 168 to 252 ounces of beer over a five hour time period. 252 ounces of any liquid will not get processed (expelled) from your system in five hours. So when I go to bed I usually have quite the tummy full that has to wait till the morning to be released (kind of like catch and release?). The result is whatever is left in my system pushes against my stomach walls stretching my abs outward that leaves me feeling like I did 500 sit-ups in the morning. No matter where I poke on my stomach it will hurt, all the way from top to bottom to side to side. I usually sleep on my side which allows the tub of beer to expand outward to its full extent. This does not help in the matter.

However, recently I tried something new. I can’t sleep on my back because I snore like a mother fucker. The only other alternative to sleeping on my side would be sleeping on my stomach. And you know what? I woke up without any ab pain. The fact that I was sleeping on my stomach kept my stomach muscles from expanding outward leaving me pain free. This, my friends, is pretty fucking cool in my book. Now the only pain I feel is the slight soreness from doing the 5.5 sit-ups every night. Sweet.

Yes, I am a wealth of knowledge. But yet today I farted at the parent's house and crapped in my pants. Now that is painfully true.