The Lollipop

Everybody does it. You eat, you digest, you poop. I do it, you do it, he does it, she does it. Basically, everybody does it. However, I am not your average pooper.

It has been well documented on this site that I am more or less a connoisseur of poop. Like your fine wine tasters and movie reviewers, I have become an expert in the field of poop, even earned a doctorate from an acclaimed university. I know my poop.

There are many kinds of poop. There’s runny poop, clumpy poop, fat poop, skinny poop, long poop, pellet poop, smooth poop, jagged poop, corn poop, lettuce poop, lactose intolerant poop, silent poop, noisy poop, splashing poop, messy poop, clean poop, and my personal favorite, smelly poop. I have been known to take many large, smelly poops. I might have even taken pictures of some of them and posted them on this blog. However, over the last 14 months of living at my current house I have never needed to use the plunger. Somehow, someway, everything manages to make its way down the drain without a problem.

The Renter keeps on telling this story about how I took the plunger and plunged her head with it one night. I don’t remember doing it but I’ll take her word for it. The story sounds a little off the wall but then again it is me we’re talking about. When she tells the story people give me mean, disgusting, “How could you do that?” looks. What they don’t understand is that I have never used the thing and it’s perfectly clean.

On Sunday I grabbed the plunger and took it into the Renter’s room.

Me: I don’t see what the big deal is, this thing is perfectly clean. You could even eat off of it.

I held it up to my mouth and licked it.

The Renter jumped back and screamed, stunned that I had just licked the plunger.

Me: What? I’ve never used it.

Renter: Maybe not, but I have.