All Quiet on the Midwestern Front

Unfortunately for the three or four people who stumble across this site by accident while doing Google searches for pictures of fecal matter (you sick perverts) and what works best for masturbating in the shower (trust me, I know), I haven’t had much to share lately. And if something more important than me getting to work safely or whacking off three times in one hour had occurred, I would have let you know. Actually I would have told you about the three times in one hour, but it didn’t happen. Not saying that it couldn’t be done; I honestly haven’t tried since January 27th of 2006. Even then I don’t think it was three times in one hour, more like six times in three hours, which might be even more impressive depending on your point of view.

Tom Brady’s been in the news lately, what a fucking pimp. He has not only dated a well know actress and an even more well known “super” model (10 years younger than the actress), but he also had sexual intercourse with them. Then there’s me, B to the… I have neither dated an actress (unless you count the porn “star”) nor a Victoria Secrets/Hanes/Lane Bryant model. Even more depressing, I have not had sex with an actress or model of any kind. I have put this on my list of things to do in 2007.

I don’t know Tom personally. It’s not like he calls me up and tells me how he bangs hot women every other day (every other day?). But I do know that he has gotten both women pregnant. This got me thinking just a bit [hamster running in wheel]. Two pregnant women mean two infinks to support. Infinks is Popeye’s way of saying infants, or children, as in two childs, as in two child support payments. I’m not an expert on this topic or anything, but when professional athletes get women pregnant, don’t they have to fork over a shit load of cash? Shawn Kemp has seven kids by six different women. Recent reports say he’s trying to get back in the league at the age of 36. The dude made a lot of money back in his playing days. Soon he’ll be in the papers just like Bobby Brown for not making his child support payments.

If these mega-rich athletes go down in financial ruin over a piece of ass, what would that do to a lowly Midwest accountant? I think in Wisconsin you have to pay 17% of your gross pay (not after taxes) to the mama of your baby. [Cough, cough] Sorry, that was me almost throwing up after doing the calculation. And that was just for one infink. I don’t think they take out another 17% for shit producer #2, but I can guarantee you the figure goes up.

So I’m turning gay. Might as well get fucked in the ass than pay it out the ass, right?

Or I could just use a condom every time.

What the fuck am I talking about? I haven’t had sex in the last six months.

But I think I did pick up a gay reader! In my constant efforts to keep this site free of gay/black/Hispanic/canine bashing (and don’t fault me that “Hispanic” is capitalized and the others aren’t, blame Word), I received this comment:

Hope you aren't offended by a gay guy strolling through your archives and admiring your pics. Very nice.

Too bad you're on the other team. :)


(Don't worry - I'm not a creepy stalker, just an admirer. I'm not here to try to convert you. And I'm originally from Milwaukee too.)

I have since decoded this email to read: “Holy fuck you can pack a lot of shit in your ass! Those turd pictures you took back in November were fucking huge! I know you’re birthday is coming up, I think I could fix your little lack of sex thing. Call me, Snoocums.”

No, really, I’m always honored to hear from you no matter what ethnicity or nationality you are. And thank you for all the boobie pictures I’ve received. Some of you women (and one man) had some pretty impressive racks.

See, I told you not much has happened lately.