Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Just Kidding, Ya'll

Ha, ha, ha! Yesterday I tried my best at writing the most depressing post EVER just to see if I could top the Renter’s “I need sex!” or “Why don’t guys like me?” or “Is it ok if I masturbate three times a day and my fingers get all pruny?” posts. After re-reading it today I think I did a pretty damn good job. Oh, and I thank you all who left helpful comments and words of advice – NONE! You fucking cock suckers.

I haven’t had a haircut in almost three months. It’s getting a little long, but it still looks halfway ok. It’s really bad in the weight room when I start sweating like a pig. It’s really really bad after shoveling snow. This weekend, after shoveling for what seemed like endless hours, I jigged my hair up in funky shapes just to share with you dear readers (who don’t care if I kick the bucket or not). Enjoy.






My camera had been begging to get put in the blog, so I gave it 2 seconds of fame.

Oh, and I didn’t really mean to call you all cock suckers. I’m sure some of you are either recreational cock suckers or professional cock suckers. At any rate, I didn’t mean it. It came out in a moment of rage and anger and I apologize. And if you are a professional please let me know how much you charge and how I can contact you.



I haven’t gotten myself in trouble with emails I’ve posted on here in a long time, so here it goes.


Emails with 39 yr old woman from the gym.

Me: You should probably get to the gym early tomorrow since I know you old people have to stretch and warm up for 20 minutes before you can do anything.

39: Keep talking “smack” boy… cuz that’s the same sound we’ll hear when the ball hits the back of your head.

Me: Would that be kind of like getting it from behind?

39: LOL… I imagine it’s a little, no, more like a lot different. The court is reserved for noon.

Me: Can this be considered a “nooner”?

39: LOL You have a one track mind mister...yes, it could be.

Me: Sweet! You said I have to do something wild and crazy before I turn 30. Now I can say I had a nooner even though it's not really a nooner, but there will be sweating and heavy breathing going on and I'm sure I will be horizontal after I pass out in which case I may require CPR...

39: There is a lot of parallels isn't there...there could be "a lot ofracket" going on too! If this is your first nooner you are well over due, nonetheless I'm honored it will be with me...LOL

Me: Technically it will be the first nooner. 3:30 on a Friday at work doesn't count as a nooner, right? We'll keep that "honored" thing under wraps till we're finished, could be the ugliest game of racquet ball ever and I haven't done any physical activity like that since the summer so I'm sure I'll be covered is sweat after a whole ten minutes.

39: 3:30 p.m. is technically past the nooner time zone according to congress. However, you do score points for "adventurous and risky" for the TGIF event...and even a "dang" if it was on a conference room table.


And no, dear readers, I have not done this at any of my “professional” jobs. Well, depending on how you define "professional" and if being a part-time employee has any influence on the issue.


There was another email conversation that took place but I’m not sure I can share it with you as it might greatly reduce the chances of me having sex before I turn 30 (in exactly 30 days, roughly, give or take). I say “greatly reduce the chances” because going from a 2% chance down to a 1% chance is still a 50% difference. Ok, I put those numbers ridiculously low just to be sarcastic; it’s more like 4% down to 2%. If it were to happen (please pray for me), it would be the first time in (really embarrassing) six months. Pretty soon they’re going to take rule #7 off the wall at the corner bar (#7 - don’t go home with anyone named B to the…). And I’m not having any of that. Back in the day women would go home with me just because my name was on the board. If that goes down then all hope is lost. I should say what little hope is left. I got sick of looking at the unused condoms in my room that I started using them when I whacked off just for a different feel. Let me tell you, if you’re bored with your personal (with self) sex life go ahead and give it a shot. Unless you actually use the condoms with real live women, then save them for the hoes. It’s kind of funny stroking a big blue penis in the privacy of your bedroom when for most of your juvenile through adult life it was more of a tan, fleshy color. I even had visions of reenacting a scene from Star Wars with the light sabers (which I pronounced as “light savors” till I was 12). I’m sorry, but that just reminded me of something. I have to make a trip to the drug store for the glow in the dark condoms, like right now! Well, after I change my underwear.

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