Another news story caught my eye this week and instead of just commenting on it, I decided to do something about it. Tuesday at the gym I did something I haven't done in a long time: leg exercises. You see, I still have four years of eligibility left on my college athletic career. And with this news coming out of Cincinnati, can you blame me?
CINCINNATI (AP) - The University of Cincinnati is looking into claims made in an anonymous letter that four football players and four recruits engaged in sexual activities with a former soccer player at a party.
My application is in the mail.
But my ambition of making the football team and having sex with a soccer player with seven other guys in the room (at this point I can't be picky) came with one major drawback. After months of not doing leg workouts, my lower body did not take it well. I didn't do anything heavy in the weight room, but I did do a lot of exercises that my legs do not do on a daily basis. Wednesday morning I almost went without underwear when I couldn't bend over to pick them up off the bathroom floor. I winced and groaned every time I had to get up out of my chair at work. Even sitting down, letting gravity do the work, was painful.
To top it off, my worst nightmare came true: I wouldn't have been able to have sex even if the entire Vivid cast were naked and flaunting their goods in my bedroom. Seriously, doing exercises to get me on the football field and in bed with a soccer player left me as sexually useful as James Howard Marshall II when he married Anna Nicole Smith (have I ever mentioned her nice boobies before?). Well, I'm sure I could have "gotten it up," but I wouldn't have been good for anything but lying on the bed with a big smile on my face. But today is Friday and I'm pretty much back to normal (just thought I'd let the ladies know).
So it's Friday. I took the day off after a rough week at work. I was hoping to sleep in late and catch up on some Z's, but no, this is what I woke up to at 8:00 this morning.
The City of Milwaukee decided to cut down tree limbs and mulch them on my day off. How dare they.
Since I was up I decided to make some breakfast. Now, I can't cook worth a damn. My cooking accomplishments include scrambled eggs and anything on the grill. That is it. Oh wait, I almost forgot, frozen pizza too. Anyway, I cracked open six eggs, mixed them with a little milk, added some cheese, salt and pepper, and tossed it on the stove.
Yeah, if you blow that up and take a closer look, I burned it. I said I could make scrambled eggs, I didn't say I was good at it.
But that's ok, tonight the Renter is picking up steaks on her way home from work. Last Sunday after the NASCAR race (no, I'm not a big fan), we went to the grocery store and bought some steaks, carrots, dip, salad and salad dressing. $15 and we both ate like kings (I guess that would be "queens" if I were gay). Today it's her turn to buy. I hope I can redeem myself for the poor performance on the eggs.
About a week ago the lawyer at the gym mentioned that the 39 yr old woman had been inquiring about me. I guess she had concerns that she might be a little too old for me. So one day, being the bold manly man that I am, I approached her. I asked her if she was still up for a game of racquet ball. After she agreed she said she'd have to check her schedule and get back to me. Then it happened.
39 yr old: Why don't you give me your email address and I'll email you the dates that I'm free.
Me: Uh, funny thing about that email thing.
39 yr old, looking at me oddly: Huh?
Me: Yeah, well, my email address is B to the... (which of course has my first name in it). Someone started calling me Brian here so I just went along with it, but it really is B to the...
39 yr old, laughing: Are you serious? That's too funny! So, what am I supposed to call you?
Me: Hey, my dad laughs every time I tell him too. But you can't tell anyone.
39 yr old: Yes, I'll keep your secret. So, it's like your secret identity? What, do you really work for the CIA or something?
Me: No, no, I'm actually in the porn industry.
Ok, I didn't say I was in the porn industry (not saying that I couldn't be). We shot a couple emails back and forth and decided on the 28th. She had joked about putting money on it and, by some stroke of genius which I didn't think I had in me, I suggested putting diner on the line. This Wednesday, the loser of a best of three series has to buy dinner that same night. I have this feeling that I will be buying as I'll be sucking wind by the third game and she'll be lobbing balls off the top of my head as I'm bent over gasping for air. Hopefully at the end of the night I'll have her bent over gasping for air.
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