Anna's Boobs

When I first saw that Anna Nicole Smith kicked the bucket yesterday, my first reaction was, “No shit?” Then I started thinking about it and it didn’t really faze me too much. I mean, what, we didn’t see this coming? Looking back on her TV show (painful to watch) and all of her bizarre antics, you could see a very troubled (and busty) individual. Speaking of which, they say she weighed 225 lbs back then (pre-Trim Spa) and this brings a tear to my eye as I have dated (read: screwed) large women before who could certainly top Anna’s 225 lbs but came up well short of Anna’s “Top” (with a capital T). Damn, those were some big hooters. Very, very, very nice.

(tear turns to uncontrollable bawling and self mutilation with letter opener and whiteout)

Then today, the day after the announcement, every freaking news related website has her on the front page. If you would have told me this would happen a month ago I would have replied, “Anna Nicole Smith? Wasn’t she in Playboy 15 years ago? And one of those Naked Gun movies that I thought was semi-funny when I was 12 but now, after watching, leaves my IQ a good 20 points lower.” Anna Nicole Smith. I can’t believe it.

But now that she’s dead and famous, and her body still in decent shape (as in not decomposed too much), I have a plan. No, I don’t want to fuck Anna Nicole Smith’s dead body, that’s just sick (if people catch you). I’ve masturbated a million times while watching “The Naked Gun,” which might account for my diminishing memory skills, so in my mind we were lovers from the age of 12-19 (yes, she was my first). My plan is more business related, a respectable business venture if you will. It’s really nothing new, just combining to already existing ideas into one, with a “time is of the essence” marketing plan (which I know absolutely nothing about).

When I sleep at night I generally like to have a fluffy pillow that comes up on both sides of my head, kind of like the bumpers they put in bowling alleys for when the little kids play. While I toss and turn a little during the night, the “bumpers” ensure that my head will be pointed towards the ceiling where all the necessary oxygen is to keep me snoring. Without the bumpers, you’d see me in a 5 minute CSI episode where Grissom, after dusting for prints and finding all my seamen splashings with his blue light, would be heard stating, “Huh, I’ve never seen anything like this before. The fucker suffocated himself in his sleep. Is that a used condom under the bed on top of the stack of porn? We, uh, better put those in an evidence bag” (as he quietly slips my porn into his briefcase). So, as you can see, the bumpers are essential for me to wake up in the morning.

I’m sure everyone has been in a porn or adult video store at one point or another. Can I be serious for one second? The last time I was in a porn shop I was with a girlfriend who, believe it or not, was browsing the movies for titles that she was in. “In” as in her screen name was listed on the cover. “In” as in she was on the cover. “In” as in not the director or photographer but one of the “actresses.” I’ll leave it at that since I think she reads this and may or may not be able to kick my ass, I really don’t want to find out. Anyway, besides the videos they always have the toys and lotions behind the counter. There you can find Jenna Jameson’s vagina and Ron Jeremy’s penis, life sized plastic/rubber body parts that were molded after various big time porn stars (if you don’t know who those two are I feel very, very bad for you). Here’s one for you: do women masturbate to Ron Jeremy like guys do to Jenna Jameson? I saw him in Vegas one time and was going to shake his hand but thought better of it. It’s pretty obvious how the Ron Jeremy dildo would work, but the Jenna Jameson vagina? What, did they “go exploring” and get everything set with the size and pressure (and, ew, smell)?

Now that Anna Nicole Smith is dead and more famous than ever it’s time for me to cash in. Of the millions of people in the world with sleeping problems, I am confident my product will bring them the sleep they need and deserve. Ok, not everyone, just the straight men and lesbians, so we’ll say 53% of the population. I am going to mass produce and distribute The Anna Nikole Smith Sleep Aide Pillow (trademark #53249821675491, notice I had to change her middle name for legal purposes). While Anna’s breasts are still supple and firm, I’m going to make a mold of her chest while she’s lying down (dead people don’t stand up too often). Once the mold is made and the dimensions have been measured I’m heading off to the senior citizens living (waiting to die) center. There I will have the little old ladies work like slave laborers in Thailand (Phil Knight from NIKE gave me that idea, sorry if you’re actually from Thailand), three shifts of eight hours, a twenty four hour sweat shop of mothball and lysol smelling grandmas sewing my “boobs pillow.” I’ll have the neighbor kid make deliveries of fabric and stuffing every day to ensure there isn’t any idle down time while I’ll be out dressed in my new Armani suit selling the pillows to every area video store. But that’s just step #1. Step #2 involves marketing the pillow on eBay and enrolling more seniors to make sure that supply meets demand. Step #3, after the investors and capital have been acquired, is to build the automated pillow processing plant where Anna Nikole Co. will produce 5,000 pillows a day. Step #4 is the best: the sale of Anna Nikole Co. and me retiring to some beachfront mansion in the Caribbean.

Show me a man who wouldn’t sleep like a baby nestled in between Anna Nicole’s luscious boobs, I dare you. Unlike the Jenna Jameson vagina, the Anna Nikole pillow will have will have a sweet fragrance (after I break into her house and find out what she wore, has to be life-like, right?). I could even make an electric version with heat that would gently warm your ears on a cold winter night.

I could go on and on but I don’t want to give too much info away. I’m sure there’s some other ingenious person out there who is thinking along the same lines so I have to hurry. American Airlines flight #536 is waiting for me; departure is at 9:00 tonight. Wish me luck.