If You Don't Use It...

You know how they say “If you don’t use it you’ll lose it?” Well, the other day I was trying to figure out what circumstances or actions this would apply to. Obviously it doesn’t refer to riding a bike because everyone knows that once you learn how to do it you’ll never forget (unless you become very old and lose all sense of balance or if you’re 29 years old and just plain fucked up on booze). Typing would be another example, how the hell could you forget how to type if you hadn’t done it in a while? Have you ever woken up one morning after years and years of wearing Velcro shoes and find that you have forgotten how to tie your shoe laces? (And don’t knock the Velcro shoes, those things were fucking cool back in grade school!) How about sex? Even if you haven’t done it in a long while (this is just something I’m pulling out of the air) it’s not like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing when the next opportunity rolls around. (Except for the time I mistakenly stuck it in the wrong hole and she yelped and swatted me with a back hand…)

I can see how this would apply to lifting weights. If you don’t go to the gym for a period of time you will lose the muscle. A couple years back I wasn’t exactly allowed to drive my vehicle for a period of time (don’t ask) and it took me a while to be able to change lanes on the freeway without crapping my pants (and I now know what a woman driver feels like). I haven’t shot a basketball in about a year but I’m guessing I could get that back in a couple hours, same with swinging a golf club. I don’t even want to think about how far I’d get if I laced up the Velcro running shoes right now and tried to go for a jog. Trust me, it wouldn’t be far. Hopefully my penis doesn’t shrivel up and fall off from lack of action.

Sunday, after the whole Friday night shower thing, I decided I was going to boot up the computer and spend some quality time with the fan club of whores I have compiled over the past six years (maybe I’m the fan, not sure, they always have smiles on their faces while mine usually has some mean/angry frown with a slight hint of redness and a couple drops of sweat). For the past year my computer has been somewhat fucked up. I get pop-ups all the time about some virus that’s trying to eat my lovely lady friends but I’ve pretty much just ignored it. Because of this I don’t use the computer often. When I sat down in the comfy chair ready to get reacquainted with Jenna Jameson and her crew (ever heard of Mary Carey?), I ran into a problem. No matter what I typed in the box asking for my password I got a rejection notice. Wait, not a rejection notice, but a “Did you forget your password?” message. And you would think if it assumes you forgot your password it would try to help you out or something. But no, that would be too easy. I tried right clicking on it, left clicking on it, nothing worked. I tried more passwords but got the same message every time. No sex for B to the…, not even with myself. The apocalypse must be coming soon.