Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Murry Fawking Crissmas

That pretty much sums up my Christmas weekend. What better way to celebrate the holidays than to get liquored up every night and sleep in till noon the next day? It was truly a great experience but I think my body is trying to tell me something as I now get dizzy when I stand up and my penis refuses to stand up. Just can’t win.

Recently the Renter and I have gotten into the game of pool. What makes it really entertaining is that every game is different and depending on how you play your cards (oops, wrong game) you can hit one shot and leave yourself with a fairly decent second shot. One newbie at the bar didn’t believe me when I told him I’d only been playing for a month. Thankfully my Mentor was standing right there to confirm my lack of experience (and I didn’t mean with women, fuck off!).

My pool Mentor is really anal about pool. Your stance, stroke, spin on the ball, everything has to be perfect and done in good form. He’s anal about pool kind of like how I was anal about my Air Jordans back in grade school (and ok, I’ll admit, high school too). My Air Jordans did not see rain or grass or even dry pavement, they were only worn on the basketball court or in the weight room. I would only wear them outside once a new model of the shoes hit the stores. I’m anal about my Jeep and park it far away from any cars in shopping mall parking lots. Sorry, I can’t lie, just the Walmart parking lot since that’s the only place I go for shit. But the result is I don’t have any door dings or bumper bruises. I’m anal about my recently refurbished wood floors and having women with clunky shoes walk on them. I’m still trying to figure out a way to get back at the FA and his wife scratching them up a bit. Maybe I’ll take a dump in his new home theater when it’s completed. Or, better yet, take a dump behind a wall while it’s still being built, that one sounds better. Oh, I’ll put a mouse in my pocket the next time I’m at his house and let it loose in some corner because everyone knows he’s a total pussy and won’t touch a mouse with his bare hands even if it’s dead (true story, dishwashing gloves up to his elbows and everything).

Anyway, the Mentor is anal about pool. He’s extremely anal about his pool stick. Bad, like he will chalk his stick after every shot to keep the tip protected for longevity. Bad, like I stopped asking to use his stick a long time ago because I always did something “wrong” with it. Playing pool on Tuesday afternoon, these two drunk women show up at the bar. Not the usual drunk you see but a scary, dancing to every song, hugging and kissing each other drunk. And of course they want to play pool. We agree to do partners and I racked and broke, not getting a ball in. The Mentor had walked away and I went up for a beer. When he came back he looked in both corners for his pool stick, looked at me, I looked at the drunk woman and looked back in time to catch the look of horror on his face. The drunk woman was using his prized possession. After she found out it was his stick she kindly asked if she could use it each time and I could hear the sound of regret every time he replied “sure.” And it got even better as at one point the stick was stuck between them as they danced to some blues song. I’ve never seen him jump so fast, sliding the stick up and out of her hands.

How come drunk hot chicks are cool but drunk ugly 50 year old women are pretty fucking nasty?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I thought only FA's wife scratched your floor with her heels. Not FA himself. And wasn't she the one that borrowed the porn as well. It sounds like you only have an issue with one party, not two. Your retaliation should be appropriately directed. I think the only things she really own's without him are clothes, make up, a $1000+ big white bird and recently an I-pod. Use your imagination.

Anonymous

Anonymous said...

Fuck with me bi-otch and u'll never see ur beloved anal sluts 6 again!!! Bwaaahhaaaahaaahaaa!
Mrs. FA

Anonymous said...

unrelated to blog - thught u might find some of these funny (mrs. fa ;) ):

You Know You Drink Too Much When...
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Hotties. <- U!!!! lol

You have a "happy hour" at home

When you are sober, people ask you what's wrong?

You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land

Although you drove home the other night you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car

"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

Your favorite drink is ethanol.

"Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!"

"I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender."

You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before

Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while

You think beer and ramen make a good breakfast

You frequently urinate outdoors.

When you first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half-hour later you're afraid you won't.

You fall asleep taking a dump.

You believe that spilling a beer is alcohol abuse.

You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.

You find it's easier to study drunk.

You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.

Beer ads make sense.

You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.

You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.

The space on your driver's license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".

You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.

You mix your cocktails by the litre.

You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.

You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic Zen-like piss.

When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.

You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

"Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.

You can focus better with one eye closed

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

You fall off the floor.

You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Vampires get woozy after bitting you.

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.

If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

"Take me drunk, I'm home!"

You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

You drink to get over a hangover.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who drink too much.