Almost...Kissed...A...Girl...

I work at the door of an old folks show lounge on Saturday nights. They get some decent bands in (the band this Saturday played at the casino earlier in the week), but the average age of the patrons is 55 nonetheless. Usually the average age is 55 but let me backtrack to Saturday afternoon.

After visiting the parents for a little and shoveling snow I decided I was going to plop my ass on the couch for some quality TV time. Not the usual TV time which consists of 90% sports and 10% MTV (you gotta check out Rob and Big). No, I wanted to watch some movies. I saw the last half of Revolution or something like that where the werewolves and vampires were fighting and kicking each other’s asses. The second movie was Jurassic Park III which was ok but pretty much like the first two. The last movie was Van Helsing. When it first came out it didn’t get very good reviews but I found it to be quite entertaining, maybe a little far fetched but I think that’s what made it entertaining. I later found out G the hairdresser was watching the same movie (which is a little odd since we’re 26 years apart in age). The movie was going to last till 8:30 and I was going to call in my order to the Mexican restaurant so I could pick up my order, eat it, and be ready for “work” (sitting on my ass and making sure no one gets in for free) at 9:00. Since I put in my notice two weeks ago the manager of the two bars and restaurant has been on my case. I don’t know why, I gave them a months notice to find someone else to sit by the door and pick their nose, I thought I was being more than generous. 8:00 I get a phone call. “De wants you to get your ass up here right now.” I know I’m supposed to be there at 9:00 but you never know, she might have a legitimate reason to want me there an hour early. So I quickly got dressed into the “security” shirt, which I have come to loath, but only after I called in my food order. I wasn’t going to let her throw her weight around and screw me out of the free meal I was counting on filling my empty stomach with. When I got to the sports bar I sat in the corner away from the door and quickly ate my burrito just in case she was watching on the cameras or would happen to walk by. After I finished (with head sweating and all from the hot sauce I had them put on it) I punched in, took a shit (might as well get paid for it), and walked through the restaurant. There she was sitting watching TV. “What’s with the 8:00 start time?” “Isn’t that the time you always start?” “Uh, no, it’s usually 9:00.” She turned her head and continued watching TV. Whatever, broad.

So I walked over to the show lounge expecting to see a huge crowd (reason for being called in early?) only to find a total of 19 people. 19 people including three bartenders, one cashier, and six band members. 9 customers had come through the door since they opened at 8:00. I thought great, another boring night trying to sleep with my eyes open. And I guess it must have shown. One guy who comes in every other week stopped by to chat. He’s one of the few normal people there and we usually have a good time making fun of the old people with 80’s hair cuts or telling each other stories about some funny dates/screws/sex with midgets (plural) incidents. But this week it just wasn’t happening. I didn’t want to be there and my personality reflected the same. So he went to the sports bar to talk with the Renter (I heard she even did shots with him and didn’t pee on herself).

Around 11:00 it started to pick up. First one hot chic with her mom (mom had to be helped walking out later that evening!), then a group of three cute girls, then another group of three cute girls (one had to be six feet tall). Before I knew it we had a nice crowd of 25-30 year old party goers who were having a good time. This picked up my spirits somewhat. And it was kind of funny seeing how the young people were all on one side of the bar and all the people on their death beds were on the other side. At least there was eye candy to divert my attention away from the Bucks playing on the TV (can’t stand NBA basketball).

Around 1:30 a group of three rather attractive girls stagger up to me by the door. First girl, “You’re going to remember my face and let me back in again, right?” By the time she got to “right” her face was two inches away from mine. Me, being mister stupid fuck, leans backwards a bit surprised that this girl is that close to my face. And, after she stayed there for three seconds mister stupid fuck still did nothing. Fuck mister stupid fuck! Should have just fucking moved in for the kill and played tonsil hockey with her right there. But in all honesty, her friends were staggering right behind her and she may just have been pushed from behind, I’m not exactly sure. Of course you know if that was the case and I did kiss her I’d probably get slapped in the face or her boyfriend would come over and I’d have some explaining to do. In any case, I was two inches away from making out with a hot chic. Isn’t my love life fucking great?

But wait, it gets better.

Around 2:15 I was talking to an older gentleman who was asking me questions like what I do for a living and stuff (for some reason he thought I was in the military, must have been the new haircut). He wanted a Guinness and the old folks joint doesn’t stock Guinness so he wondered if it was possible for me to get one from the restaurant and bring it in. I wasn’t sure if I could or not and the restaurant was locked up anyway so I told him the sports bar on the other side had Guinness. Being the nice guy that I am (hey, don’t laugh, I am), I walked him to the sports bar in 10 degree weather holding his mixed drink in case a friendly police officer was to drive by and stop him. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if I’d be safe with an open beverage just because I have a stupid shirt on that says “security” but I think I’d have a better chance talking with an officer than someone who wasn’t on the clock. Anyway, I get him in the door, make sure everything’s ok with the other door man bringing the drink in, shake his hand and walk back out into the cold. Guess who I see walking directly toward me? Yup, it’s close face hot girl.

“How are you doing?

“Holy crap, I’m pretty faded.”

“But hey, at least you’re still cute.”

“Why thank you! Hey, look for me on ANTM!”

“Ok.”

“Do you know what that stands for?”

“Uh, no.”

“America’s Next Top Model! You better vote for me!”

And that was it. Of course over the next hour I thought of ten different things I could have said to her to possibly make out with her or get her phone number. Ok fine, I’m still thinking about it three days later (she was that attractive). At any rate, I blew it, I know, I know this all too well. All of the lame lines I have that make women laugh and nothing popped into my head. I could have walked her to her car but mister stupid fuck walked right back to the show lounge that I dislike with a passion only to hang my head in utter disgust at my lack of game. Lack of game and not jumping on the opportunity when it came. What a fucking pussy.