Threesome And The Runs (Sorry, Another Shit Story)

I did the right thing by turning down the threesome with the hot old girlfriend and some strange dude, right? I think so. I mean, I’ve done some stupid stuff in my life like allowing a friend to take pictures of me wearing women’s underwear and peeing in my pants more times this year than I did in kindergarten (come on, we were taking a test and the teacher said she didn’t want any interruptions!), but sex with another naked man in the room? I think that might have been a new high on the “What the FUCK Did I Do Last Night” scale or the “Who’s Hand Is That On My Ass” scale or the “Memorable Moments In My Sex Life For All the Wrong Reasons” scale, topping even the time I had the runs and crapped in some broad’s bed while I was on top and I think some of it might have run down her leg, too. Good thing she was either passed out (might have been the case) or passed out shortly after we finished doing it (more likely the first scenario) because I got my ass out of there pretty damn quickly and made a mental note to delete her number from my phone. If only this story wasn’t true…

And speaking of the runs… After a fun day of watching football and consuming large amounts of beer, the night bartender took over and offered to buy some food for the regulars. He threw out a couple options and finally decided on a shrimp dish that he spoke highly of. Might I add that the restaurant next door is not a place well known for seafood, but instead is a Mexican restaurant. He asked if we liked hot food and everyone agreed so he had the cooks add a little something special to make it spicy. When they brought out the plates everything looked absolutely wonderful. Plump shrimpies, green peppers, potatoes, and some other veggies, all covered in this red sauce that had a hint of spiciness to it. For those that know me, even a hint of spiciness is enough to make my head sweat, so you can picture me wiping my head down with napkins while I shoved this concoction in my mouth with reckless abandon. Not a bad meal, pretty tasty.

Fast forward to this morning. By 10:30 I had used the bathroom (i.e., bathroom stall) twice already. And when I say “used” the bathroom, I wasn’t just relieving my 8:30 coffee. No, no, my friends, I was in the stall gripping my ankles, praying for relief. Normally I’ll have one major “load” everyday just before leaving for the gym (wouldn’t want anything to accidentally happen there in front of the college girls). This major “load” will generally be a decent size and may or may not even stick out of the water. Once in the morning and my body is good for the rest of the day. Today I did that twice, within a two hour time span. Not just a little here and a little there but filling up the bowl each time, the second one being quite memorable as the guy in the stall next to me started making puking noises. For real. And of course I didn’t do the courtesy flush because I’m evil like that, ask the Renter.

This morning, while packing up the car with the gym bag and whatever else crap I had to take to work, I put the to-go box that contained the leftovers on the roof of my car. And I forgot about the to-go box that was on top of my car until I got to work and noticed my lunch was missing. Not like I was going to eat that stuff a second time anyway.

My asshole is currently sore and I’m contemplating using the Renter’s “puff” on it later in the shower to maybe ease the pain. Kidding.