Addicting Shit

Ok, so I stayed away for a day but this shit is addicting. So I'm back, for now...


Conversation with the Renter last night.


Renter: Who lives in Dunbar, Wisconsin?

B to the…: I had an ex-girlfriend who was from Dunbar. Why?

Renter: Someone from Dunbar posted a comment on my blog today.

B to the…: Really? That’s a tiny little hick town. I’m surprised someone up there owns a computer. I’m surprised they even offer internet access there.

Renter: Huh. He/she commented that I need to stop being a whiney bitch and just go pay for sex and get laid.

B to the…: Er, sorry, but that was my comment. I didn’t feel like logging in so I did the anonymous comment. So fork over the $100 and bend over.


This morning at work:


Boss Man: B to the…, why were you late today?

B to the…: Sorry Boss Man, I had a personal issue this morning, won’t happen again.

Boss Man: No, I want to hear this. What kind of a personal issue was it?

B to the…: I really don’t think you want to know.

Boss Man: If one of my employees comes in late I want to know the reason why. Now tell me.

B to the…: Well, my roommate has been leaving for work before me this week so it leaves me with a little personal time alone in the house. Well, I was feeling a little, er, frisky, if you will, this morning so I turned on my computer in hopes of spanking my monkey while viewing 16 year old virgins getting it up the ass. Only problem was my piece of shit computer crashed on me mid stroke so I had to put my only porn DVD on in the living room. For some reason I decided to go all out this morning and busted out the KY jelly to possibly quicken the process. Shortly after lubing up I encountered yet another problem: the calluses on my right hand that developed yesterday at the gym doing 200 lb back exercises did not produce the desired pleasurable feeling, actually caused me a little discomfort. But you know how it is, once you start you can’t stop so I dealt with the pain and continued beating off till the deed was done. Then I jumped in the shower and raced in to work at twice the speed limit in my effort to get here on time.

Boss Man: Oh my god, you are one sick pathetic individual. Go back to your cube. And wash your hands.


Ok, not all of that is completely true. I didn’t speed on the way to work as Jeep Wranglers are slower than fuck. I don’t have 16 year old virgins getting it up the ass on my computer (at least not that I know of, the roommate might have downloaded some, she’s like that). I think there’s one more thing that wasn’t true in there… Oh yeah, OF COURSE I DIDN’T REALLY HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH MY BOSS. But I thought it would sound better that way.

I have to start wearing gloves in the weight room if this is going to continue to happen. Or else stop lifting weights (see where my priorities are?).


How about a joke of the day?


A CORK radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dectionalry yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what’s your name?

Caller: Hi, my name’s Dave.

DJ: Dave, what’s your word?

Caller: Goan. Spelled G-O-A-N, pronounced “go-an.”

DJ: Your are correct, Dave, “goan” is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96FM, what’s your name?

Caller: Hi, my name’s Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what’s your word?

Caller: Smee. Spelled S-M-E-E, pronounced “smee.”

DJ: You are correct, Jeff, “smee” is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!