Sunday, August 20, 2006

My Titties/No Sex

I now know what women feel like when they catch me eyeing up their titties. A guy from some security system company rang my door bell just as I was getting out of the shower. I answered the door in just my underwear and shorts. This guy was obviously gay. He offered me a free $1,500 system if I left a sign advertising for their company in my front yard for the rest of the summer. He went on and on about wanting my house as a promotional house, how my house is pretty and well maintained, how my front lawn is decorated and kept up. He should have seen the tub before I cleaned it. So I’m not sure if this is how they operate, maybe they do this to everyone as a selling tactic and milk the $39 monthly fee out of them for years on end. But several times in our 15 minute conversation I caught him checking out my chest. And I had no idea what to think of it. I’m always on the other end of checking out tits and ass, funny how odd and invading it is when you’re on the other end of it. I didn’t think gay guys liked 215 lb not exactly skinny white guys who shop at Walmart three times a week (they want $15 for a belt, what the fuck, it’s Walmart). Granted my boobs are kind of nice since I work out every day during the week (except the left one is bigger, any way to fix this?). I’ll have to check with the neighborhood gay guy to see if I’m gay worthy. Maybe that’s a new direction for me to take, might increase the odds of me getting laid.

Which brings me to Friday night. I took Friday off of work so I could sleep in and recoup from the week. I slept in till noon, played on the internet for a little while and headed up to the Mexican restaurant that attached to my corner bar at 2:00. Main reason for going there was for some lunch, wasn’t sure if I’d be drinking since all they have are $3 bottles and I could go through a lot of bottles. But when the bartender offered to go next door and get me pitchers it was settled, I was staying at the bar till I got drunk. The Yankees and Red Sox were playing and it was an entertaining game, for some reason I really got into it. Not a bad day off, drinking beer and watching baseball. But by 7:00 I had six pitchers in me, not totally drunk but to the point where I wasn’t sure if I could finish a seventh one. So I went home, made some drunken phone calls, and took a three hour nap. In those three hours I got two phone calls and three text messages, all from the girl I met last Friday at the bar. I guess she stopped over and rang the door bell but you would have needed an air horn outside my window to wake me up. So I called her back and she was willing to come back over (she lives 20 blocks away). We sat and chatted for a while on the deck, one of the classic B drunken openly honest conversations, can’t remember much about it (other than me telling her the pictures that weren’t going to go on the internet are actually on the internet), typical for a B drunken deck talk. At the end I told her I’d either have to kick her off the deck while I go back up to the bar or we can go inside and continue the make out session from last week. Two minutes later we’re naked in my bed (pick up line, kick you out or let’s go make out, anyone else understand why my lame comments get women in my bed?). So we’re fooling around in bed, making out, she goes down on me (which reminds me I should shave soon) and she asks me to go down on her. I ask her if it’s time to put the condom on and go to town when she informs me she’s never “been penetrated” before. Uh, hello, my fingers were just knuckle deep in you vagina, and you’ve never been penetrated before? Is this some sort of way to tell your future husband that you’ve never had sex and you’re still a virgin? I don’t get it. Second day I’ve known you, naked in my bed, and you don’t put out? What the hell? Of course, being the nice guy I am I told her I respected her wishes and thought they were admirable (fuck that), but I’m still in awe. That’s it, think of it what you will. Fuck off as I had a naked woman in my bed and didn’t get laid. Again, fuck off.

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