Monday, October 06, 2008

I’m Inept

Last week the Jeep started making some clunking sounds when I’d hit a bump or turn into a driveway. I can change the oil, swap tires, replace the air filter, rip apart the dash to install a new radio, even put on a new soft top but when it comes to things that go “bump” (in the night) I’m pretty much clueless. It got so bad on Thursday night that I actually started to freak out a bit. Maybe not freak out but I was a bit down and out. I actually went to the corner bar on what was a very nice fall night temperature wise, just to get my mind off of it.

That night I had some fucked up dreams. First I got arrested for stealing soda cans from a soda machine at a rest stop on the freeway. I don’t know why my friend and I didn’t go for the money; no, we went for the soda. As we walked out of the building there were like 40 cops waiting for us. For some reason they weren’t real cops but the training type cops from Police Academy. My friend had four guys on top of him since he tried to flee the scene. I had some hot chic leading me by the hand. I think I got the better end of the deal on that one. Somehow my parents were in there, there was something going on at a water park, and even the little puppy made an appearance. Just plain weird.

Friday morning I dropped the Jeep off at a Firestone shop that’s close to my work. I skipped the gym that day just incase they happened to call around the lunch hour. I didn’t get the call till 2:30. They said they drove it around and couldn’t get it to make the noise but they did notice the sway bar links were almost shot. The price tag: $270. I asked the guy if they were easy to fix and he said they weren’t too hard. I asked him how much if I just came back and picked up the Jeep without doing the repairs and he told me $23. $23 to inspect the whole vehicle which included removing each wheel and checking out the brakes. I know what its like to take off those 31” tires; ain’t fun. So I picked it up knowing that one of the Renter’s friends would be over on Saturday to look at it.

Saturday I picked up the sway bar links for $80. The friend was going to stop over around 5:30 so I had plenty of time to get the new stainless steel exhaust system put on. I figured it wouldn’t be that bad. All the parts were designed to bolt on directly to the factory mounts. So I jacked up the back of the Jeep and took off the right side tire. I took off the rear mounting bracket and moved up to the front one. The stock muffler bolted on to the catalytic converter with two nuts that were partially blocked by a skid plate. The skid plate was bolted on with eight rather large bolts. I had the damndest time getting those off but I figured once that was off I could reach the other bolts without a problem. I left one bolt on the left hand side. As soon as I took the last one off the right hand side the whole transmission dropped a good four inches. I freaked out. As if I wasn’t sweating enough somehow my sweat pores found reserves that instantly soaked my shirt. I tried to get the last bolt back in but I was lifting both the skid plate and the transmission as I tried to get the bolt back in the hole. It didn’t work. There my Jeep sat with the transmission being held up by just the engine connection and motor mounts. And I couldn’t do anything about it.

I went on the deck to watch the Brewers game. I cracked open a couple beers. I figured as soon as the friend showed up we could get everything back together. At least that’s what I hoped.

3:00 came and went. 4:00 came and went. The Renter asked why I was crabby to which I responded with the customary, “I’m not crabby!” at which point I was then crabby at being accused of being crabby. The Renter went inside to watch TV leaving me alone outside with the puppy and the inoperable Jeep.

I looked at my watch: 5:00. I started to panic. I could feel the sweat pores open the floodgates once again. I had to walk around to keep air circulating in my shorts. The cans of beer started to flow at a slightly faster pace.

Our friend showed up at 5:30 on the dot. He took one look at the Jeep. “Exhaust project isn’t going so well?” We looked at it together and he too was surprised that the skid plate was what held up the transmission so I didn’t feel like a total idiot. We got the bolts off the catalytic converter and realized that we’d need to cut the old exhaust off to get it out. I ran to Checker Auto (Renter driving) and picked up a hacksaw since I didn’t have anything at the house that would cut it. By the time I got back he had one of the links fixed and was working on the second one. In all it took him 40 minutes to replace them both. Firestone wanted $270 for $80 in parts and 40 minutes of labor. Dillweeds.

I started hacking away at the tailpipe. Dude, I’m telling you, they should have a freaking hacksaw in the weight room. My hand, triceps, and chest all cramped up after only five minutes of sawing back and forth. After a good 20 minutes and a lot of sweat I had the tailpipe off. Then it was 7:00 and starting to get dark.

We got the new muffler and tailpipe staged in its location fairly easily. We got his jack underneath the skid plate and were able to get the transmission back into its proper location. Everything lined up properly so we tightened it all up. The last piece that I touched was the clamp that held the tailpipe on to the muffler. Yup, I fucked it up. I cross-threaded the nuts on the first try. I had to go and buy a new clamp from the parts store the next morning. The thing that sucks is I think the clamp that came with it was also stainless steel. The one I bought on Sunday was just a cheapie $5 one. I’ll have to find out from the manufacturer what the deal is.

When it comes to simple things I can handle them fairly easily. Fix a toilet seat: check. Change a light bulb: check. Replacing the exhaust or even painting a room: I fail miserably. Hell, I have to have the lights on during sex or who knows where I'd be sticking it.

1 comment:

Swa said...

You can't always go through life on the cheap. Every once in a while you have to leave things to the professionals.