Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Just Like in Cancun – Under-Boobie

Milwaukee had some absolutely beautiful weather this past weekend. It was consistently 85 degrees and sunny. As you know if it’s nice outside I like to spend as much time as possible sitting on the deck either watching the Brewers, playing with the puppy, or just chillin’ by the fire pit. Another added benefit is the puppy is very well potty trained while sitting outside; she just goes down the steps to the grass and takes care of business. Indoors is a different story (but only one accident in the past three weeks, not too shabby).

Anyway, it was freaking nice out. I left work early on Friday to hang out with the puppy. You would have found me sitting on the deck jamming out to some good old classic rock. I did do a little work in cleaning out the gutters. I’ve been putting that off for quite some time. The rickety ladder dad left at my house and I don’t get along very well. I don’t think it was made for 230 pounds.

Saturday continued with the nice weather. As with most nice days people started to show up out of nowhere. First my neighbor Mr. Fudd came strolling up the street. Then it was my buddy the Polack. Somehow everyone knows that I’ve got cold beer sitting there in the cooler. We sat and talked about everything from truck driving to Brett Favre and his request for a release. I put some chicken legs on the grille for the guys and called Mr. Topp when I realized I had way too many legs. With all those people over I realized something the hard way: I didn’t have enough seating for everyone. For the past three years all I’ve used are those canvas chairs that fold up and easily stow away. I have four of them now after that hairdresser dude took two and never returned them. So there I was sitting right on the deck. My ass began to hurt after a whole five minutes.

The Renter kicked everyone off the deck (seriously, turned off the TV, slammed the window and made everyone leave). We went to Walmart where I spent $270 on a couch, two chairs, a table and a lounge chair for the deck. The lounge chair was super cheap ($20) as it didn’t have a UPC tag on it and the assistant manager was sick of people inquiring about it. The rest of it came in this huge box that barely fit in the Renter’s Liberty. The box fit, the lounge chair didn’t. I had the end of the chair hanging out the back window while I sat in the front seat with my left arm holding on to one of the rungs. I didn’t know how hard I needed to squeeze to keep the chair in the car as opposed to sailing out the window and crashing through somebody’s windshield as we flew down the freeway. I’d try to let go a little as my forearm would start to burn and the chair would shift. I told the Renter to hurry the fuck up. You know how those women drivers are.

Made it back to the house ok and started to unpack the box. I helped unwrap everything and decided to sit this one out. I know how the Renter is and I figured I’d just get in the way of assembling everything. I tried to get her to finish it in the morning when it was light out. I popped in a movie, grabbed the puppy and a blanket and relaxed on the lounge chair. Next thing I know it’s light out. The puppy and I had slept all night out on the deck. Wasn’t the first time I’ve done that and it certainly won’t be the last.

Sunday started off with the chewiest steak I’ve ever had. It was so bad I threw the second one I had on the fridge away. I looked at my watch; 10:00. Who says you can’t start drinking till after noon? I was about two beers in when the Polack pulled in to the driveway with his trunk full of junk wood. I helped him unload it and got the Saw-Z-All out from the garage and went to work. The Saw-Z-All isn’t the greatest tool for cutting up wood but it got the job done. Afterwards my forearm and hand were pretty much numb for a good half hour.

The Renter, complaining like usual, said she was hungry. She wanted some BLTs but Mr. Meat Eater doesn’t own a toaster (hey, no gay comments please). Eventually we decided on some chicken and steak kabobs and the Polack and I gave her $10 each. I felt bad as the Polack ended up cutting up most of the meat because the Renter won’t touch raw meat and my dad has made fun of my surgeon-like (not) ability to cut meat for years now. But we got them all on the grill and let them cook for about 45 minutes. Turned out pretty damn well.

At the end of the Brewers game the Polack said he had to go. I tried to watch Hellboy but by 7:00 I was pretty much done drinking. By 9:00 I was pretty much done period. I had a whole weekend of sunning and drinking and I was just beat.

As I was getting ready for bed I noticed some itchiness on my chest. I took my shirt off in the bathroom and saw two pink crescent shaped areas just below my chest. I was pretty sunburned. Then it dawned on me; the lounge chair. I guess when your average chest workout goes like 205 x 11, 225 x 8, 245 x 5 and you’ve been sitting out in the sun in a vertical position the sun doesn’t see too much of the bottom side of your boobs. Lying down on the lawn chair facing the sun at 10:00 in the morning zapped the under-boobie pretty well. Great, I have under-boobie.

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