Small World

Several days ago I posted the “Teabag” picture. I now know whose balls those were.

Mort, my buddy who set me up with a killer rate on my mortgage, called the FA on Thursday. He asked the FA if he had read the blog lately and if he had seen the sack picture. The FA, being the closet homo that he is, quickly pulled up the blog to check out the balls. It turns out there’s a whole story about the guy’s sack and Mort was there from the get go.

You know how people put disposable cameras on tables at their wedding receptions for the guests to take pictures with? Well, Mort was at this particular wedding at which Dave (dude with the saggy balls) took the camera into the bathroom to take the famous picture. What was supposed to be a practical joke turned into, well, you can read it for yourself.

A little background on the characters. Dave is the saggy ball guy. He’s dating Linda who is Jane’s sister. Jane was the bride at the wedding and Chuck was the groom.

Ok, here's Dave's email:


So, the other day my girlfriend, Linda, got a letter in the mail addressed to Mr. Smith [Linda and Jane’s father]. Her dad is living at her house currently while he works in the metro area, but she figured that it was meant for her because he doesn't get mail there. Inside was a letter along with some photos. As has been done at thousands of other weddings, I had taken one of the disposable cameras to the bathroom and took a couple of forgettable pictures of my balls. So this guy thought he could retaliate by sending my girlfriend's dad a letter exposing me. Below is the email I wrote in response.

Linda made me a take a couple of things out that pertained to her friend, but I still think it's funny.


Ah, Chuck. I feel this sudden connection to you. It’s as if I can actually see you with a smug, self-congratulatory look on your face: your beady eyes squinted, and your awkward mannerisms manifesting themselves on your rosacea-stained face. Oh, but it feels so good to retaliate from afar without getting your hands dirty, doesn’t it?—if only you could be a fly on the wall during the aftermath of your well-executed revenge, served up as the proverbial cold dish. But. . . it didn’t quite go down the way you fantasized that it would.

Actually, the self congratulations were all mine. It has been quite a while since I’ve laughed as hard as I did at those pictures and your letter. I had completely forgotten about those pictures taken in a futile attempt to salvage any fun that was possible on that Saturday night. Having those pictures sent back was probably the best thank you I could get from a wedding such as yours. I immediately got on the phone and told half a dozen friends as well as my mother and father. This minor photo gag would never have been worth telling if you hadn’t sent that letter. After the laughter finally subsided, it did occur to me, however, that this guy had a fair amount of nerve to send this addressed to Linda’s dad. Her dad? Really? I mean, to underestimate me and demonstrate that you don’t know who you’re dealing with is understandable. But to involve a 30 year old’s parent? Well that demonstrates something completely different.

Let’s dissect this for a moment.

When evaluating why this letter was sent, the obvious question becomes whether you and your new bride discussed the wording and addressee to whom you would send this, or if you acted alone. Knowing, as we do, that Linda and Jane were at one time very close, it seems illogical that if Jane were upset at the irreverence and disrespect of a couple of nutshots that she would bypass a conversation with Linda directly, and intentionally embarrass her with her dad along with intentionally sabotaging Linda’s relationship with her boyfriend. Also knowing that Jane has had a rocky relationship with her own father, it seems even less likely that she would undermine Linda’s relationship with her dad. An adult woman who feels slighted by a friend’s boyfriend in some way typically would go straight to the person she is upset with, not the father of her friend. If Jane did agree to sending this to Linda’s dad, then the only conclusion would be that she is content with ending their friendship, but it seems very implausible that she was even aware that this letter was sent.

So, the next question becomes: what is good ol’ Chucky’s intention with this since it is obvious he did this on his own?

If it were a matter of simply being offended that a guest took some pictures of his loose, warm testicles with your disposable camera, it would be easy to imagine some type of confrontational email or phone call; maybe a clever prank in return, maybe even a persuasive argument to convince Linda that she should leave her creepy boyfriend. Obviously it was more than that.

Sending a letter to Linda’s dad is clear proof that the intention here was to sabotage the friendship between your wife and Laurie. One thing that became instantly obvious to me as an outsider at your grand event was that you have very few friends. It could just be because you’re an uninteresting toolbox, but I could also easily speculate that you have found ways to sabotage other friendships your wife has as well. Obviously just sending an angry letter, email or the like to Linda or me wouldn’t be enough to ruin their friendship. The only way to do that would be to punish Linda somehow. Maybe you thought you were doubly clever and you could punish me at the same time and somehow break us up in addition to sabotaging their friendship. Oh, the glee of using Linda’s dad as a pawn in your game of manipulation and control! Well, not quite.

Let’s talk now about your word choices in the letter. But first let me quote your terse letter in its entirety:

“Mr. Smith,

I just wanted to let you know what kind of person your daughter is dating in Charles. Apparently this is what he thinks is appropriate to do with a disposable camera left on the table at someone’s wedding reception, where he is a guest. He’s quite a catch.

Happy Holidays”

Your word choices are very telling, Chucky. “Where he is a guest” tells me that you were positively seething at the thought of a stranger coming in and destroying the sanctity of your pseudo-barn reception. The audacity to disrespect Chuck, doctor of pharmacy at the venerable Wal-Mart drug store!

“Happy Holidays” is so easy to read. Look at how smug that sign off is--thinking you have just struck the fatal blow but maintaining a nonchalant breeziness. Ha!

But the best part of the whole thing to me is this: “what he thinks is appropriate. . .”

Appropriate? This is where it all gets funny. I love when a self-righteous person appoints himself the judge of what is moral, ethical, appropriate etc. When I thought of how I might respond to this whole thing, at the very first I was inclined to simply keep retelling the story to anyone I thought would laugh. It’s not often, after all, that a jest such as hijacking a disposable camera at a wedding gets to be relived like this. Too often you never get to find out what became of your funny Kodak moments, and you rarely get a reaction like this. But then I started thinking about the type of letter I might write. I started thinking, “if this guy thinks he can call me out to someone’s parent, I wonder if he’s prepared for the fallout of some of his skeletons being outed to the world?”

How might I begin a letter written to your parents, coworkers and friends (all 3 of them)? Hmmm. Maybe I would begin by recounting the story of how you and your ex advertised on the internet that you would like another woman to have a threesome with you. I would probably go on to say that the person who responded to the ad was Jane. You then had an affair with Jane and eventually left your wife. Appropriate behavior? I don’t really know if it is or not, but I’d be willing to bet that it would be embarrassing if a stranger sprung this on your parents and associates. Or maybe airing dirty laundry that I won't mention on your wife before she finally settled for you--a controlling douche bag of a half-man who thinks tattling to someone’s parents is clever. Let’s talk about who’s “quite a catch.” I guess she found someone in you who is as detrimental to her as other male figures in her life were.

I guess the real kicker in all of this for you is that this email has a number of people blind carbon copied so they can all judge for themselves what might be appropriate. I wonder if Jane will approve of the letter you sent after she sees all of this. Rest assured that in addition to everyone blind copied on this email, I can find addresses to both sets of your parents if you feel this needs to be escalated, Chucky. Unlike you, I don't feel the need to punish Jane as you tried to punish Linda, but the opportunity does exist.

And, for the record, Linda’s dad has two thoughts on this whole thing: that you are a contemptible dildo, and that someone who takes himself as seriously as you needed a good teabagging.

Happy Holidays, indeed.