Monday, January 07, 2008

Schedule

Pretty much everything in my life is set to a schedule. On a typical weekday I’ll get in to the office at 8:30, grab something to eat at 9:00, hit the lunch bag again at 11:00, sit on the shitter around 11:45, lift weights at noon, eat again at 1:00, crap again at 3:00, snack at 4:00, leave work around 5:00, dinner at the parent’s house at 5:30, crap at 6:30, hit the bar around 7:00.

The typical weekend goes like this: wake up at noon, grab something to eat (last Sunday it was a triple Whopper, a Whopper Junior, and onion rings), watch some TV, crap, take a shower, go up to the bar, crap again before I get too loaded (otherwise I could find myself in trouble), and then of course, get loaded.

Does anyone else crap three times a day? It’s not like I’m just sitting there trying to push shit out. All three are healthy, God-I-hope-I-make-it-to-the-bathroom-in-time legitimate shits. And the amazing thing is the last one of the day is the loudest, messiest, stinkiest, and arguably quickest one of the day as the cafeteria food purges my whole digestive tract in one fell swoop. Seriously, ain’t nothin’ solid about Mr. 6:30. The Renter laughs at me when I get home and leave my bag and coat in the hallway and race into the bathroom clenching the seat of my pants. And then all I hear is, “Good God you stink” for the next ten minutes.

I wonder if they’d put me in the Guinness Book of World Records.

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