TV

Saturday morning after I posted the last post (would that be the post post?) I woke up the Renter at around 11:00 to take me shopping. I figured she owed me for making me stay at the casino too long on Friday night (after I was up $100). And I was still “feeling it” and didn’t think driving would be the best idea. By 11:15 we were out the door.

The first stop was Wal*Mart. I had my list in hand and knew exactly what I needed. The Wal*Mart shopping spree went as follows:

10 sets of underwear
2 chairs (since someone lifted two from the deck)
Laundry detergent
Dryer sheets
Paper plates
Enough toilet paper to last an average person for months (me, not so much)
Paper towels
Deodorant
Sunflower seeds
Beef jerky
Ruby Red grapefruit juice
Razors
Chapstick

I thought we were in and out pretty fast but the Renter said no and that her ass was sweating. You should have seen her doing some weird dance in the parking lot trying to get some airflow up her skirt.

(Oh, and I forgot one embarrassing item. I bought a pool stick for $9. That’s pretty fucking cheap for a pool stick.)

The next stop was Pick N Save. Once again I had my list ready and knew exactly where everything was.

Chicken legs/thighs
54 eggs
2 cans of coffee
12 oz of milk
Shredded cheese
4 frozen pizzas
30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best Light
12 pack of Killian’s Irish Red
Big bottle of Southern Comfort
20 stamps

The only thing that took long was the bag lady who took five minutes to bag all that shit. God she was slow.

The last stop was Menards. I stained the deck this spring but I figured another coat wouldn’t hurt anything and since I was trying to spend money I bought four gallons and some brushes.

By 1:00 I had spent $341. I don’t think I splurged or bought anything that wasn’t necessary (and the first person who says the Southern Comfort wasn’t necessary is going to get one square in the jaw). My mission to spend the casino money was accomplished in a swift, organized manner. It was time for beer.

I opened up the first Killian’s and pulled a chair out on to the deck. It was probably close to 80 and sunny and after two hours of shopping I didn’t feel like mowing the lawn or washing the car. So there I sat with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

Things got blurry pretty quickly after that. After Killian’s number eleven we went out to the Saturday $.25 wing place (I’d tell you the name of the place but then I’d have to kill you). Since I was on the Irish Red beer I figured I’d stay red and get a pitcher of DosEquies Amber. A pitcher of amber beer, 30 chicken wings, and a Brewer’s loss later and I was pretty much toast. On the way out I flipped the Renter’s dress up as she was putting the leftover chicken wings in the trunk of her car - in front of all the people sitting on the patio. “Flipped” as in I lifted the bottom over her head. Hey, I never said I was nice.

And then the evening activities took a drastic change. You know how my dad suggested I buy a TV with the casino winnings? Well, even though I lost some back and had spent the rest of it I still had the image of a TV burning in the back of my head.

Usually when people make a purchase like a TV they do a little research and price checking. I must be a fucking genius because I got it all done by going to two stores in under an hour. Actually, I would have gotten it done just by going to Best Buy but the Renter dragged me off to Circuit City just to check it out.

The B to the… method of shopping for big screen TV’s: get drunk, find the biggest TV that looks the best, check the price, find a cheaper big TV that looks nice, double check the price, wave down a salesman, ask him to write it up while you run off to go take a shit, sign the paperwork, find the closest bar and have a shot of Southern Comfort. I’m not saying this is the best way to buy a big screen TV but it sure as hell was easy and painless. Very painless: I left the receipt in the Renter’s car so I don’t even know how much I paid for it. Yeah bitches, that’s how I roll.

But in order for this to work you have to get really loaded. When the salesman asks your driver if he/she was indeed driving you’re doing pretty well. Not shitting you on this one.

We stopped at the corner bar for half an hour. I was pretty much like jello and sucked down two rumcos (rum and cokes) and quietly exited. I think I was in bed by 9:00.

(I guess I missed a big fight in which one of my friends got punched and fractured some of his eye bones. I felt pretty bad for him when I saw him on Sunday with a big shiner.)

I woke up pretty early on Sunday after a full night of sleep. Somehow the salesman managed to have the TV delivered on Sunday. 11:00 the doorbell went off. 11:10 I had the TV sitting on top of the entertainment center. 11:20 I had everything hooked up and the Sunday Countdown was blaring in my living room. 11:30 I was at the bar.

You’d think if someone just had a new TV delivered to their house they’d be watching football on it that day. But no, not me. But hey, you can’t blame me. I had free beer and possible pool tips waiting for me at the corner bar (pulled in $20).

The Packers played an exceptional game against the San Diego Chargers. Brett Favre looked like he was having a blast out there throwing long bombs and underhanded shuffle passes. The usual Packer crowd was in attendance (ave. age 50) and the old smoker lady could be heard in the background yelling, “Get him! Get him!”

The crowd cleared out when the game was over. Lawyer girl’s partner stayed with his friend who’s actually leaving for San Diego this week. But soon everyone left including the Renter. I think I was the only person in the bar for a good 45 minutes. I thought about going home and either playing with the new TV or taking a nap outside on the deck like I did last Sunday. But instead I stayed at the bar. I must have been really drunk on Saturday because the beer wasn’t going down that fast. After sitting at the bar for four hours I had only gone through three pitchers; the usual average is one every 45 minutes. Eventually two of the other bartenders showed up and we had a blast making fun of each other.

As you would expect the beer started to catch up to me and after pitcher number seven I had had enough. I had a couple rumcos and went home during halftime of the Dallas-Chicago game. I had a little cheddar on the Cowboys so I watched most of the second half till I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. This morning I figured out that it wasn’t that my eyes were going shut. It was my cheeks that were forcing my eyes shut. I must have been smiling from ear to ear as I watched the game because my cheeks were really sore this morning. This freaking TV that I bought is absolutely beautiful. I couldn’t be happier. Even though it’s sitting five feet off the ground it doesn’t matter if you’re lying down or standing up; it looks awesome from any angle. And this is all rather surprising. See, I don’t know a damn thing about TVs. I don’t know the difference between LCD, DLP, plasma, projection, or whatever other kinds there are out there. I honestly didn’t do any research besides looking at the TV and the price tag. I have no idea which brands are good or which ones last longer. I have no idea if the $200 two year service plan I got is worth the money or not. All I know is that I have 61” of pure bliss sitting in my living room.

And porn is almost life sized.