Old Roommate

The old roommate (OR) swung by the bar the other day.

OR: Hey, do you ever go on Craigslist?

Me: No, not really.

OR: You should check out all the women who put ads on there for sex.

Me: What?

OR: Yeah, the women will post an ad describing what they do and how much they charge for different things or they have an hourly rate.

Me: Do they have pictures of themselves?

OR: Yeah, sometimes they look pretty damn hot.

Me: How much were they charging?

OR: Most of them were like $150 an hour.

Me: That doesn’t sound too bad.

(Sadly, I’ll admit that I’ve paid more, but that was in Cancun where it was legal. And I was drunk and had problems keeping it up. Yeah, money well spent.)

OR: Some charge more for the GFE.

Me: GFE?

OR: Yeah, girlfriend effect. You know, they’ll kiss and cuddle just like a real girlfriend.

Me, looking at the Renter: The guy’s got the lingo down and everything.

For a guy who’s supposedly never had sex before…

OR: Oh, and I’ve been seeing a lot of prostitutes downtown lately.

Me: Like where?

OR: I was out with [someone I don’t know] at [bar downtown] and the two girls, nice looking girls too, were mingling with the crowd. The came up to us and hinted at paying for sex.

Me: Wow, I’ve never seen that before, not in a big bar like that.

OR: Me neither. And there was this other time at [another bar] where these two black chicks were doing the same thing giving out their phone numbers to a couple of guys. I overheard them talking in more detail about what they wanted.

Me: Black girls? Now you have my attention.

OR: Yeah, the first two I told you about were black too.

All this talk got me to thinking about how long it’s been. It’s been a long time. Not that I’m going to go out and get a hooker. I might have to start trying to woo a woman back to my house one of these days. It just seems like too much work with the flirting and the lying and the trying to seem interested crap. And I’ve been kind of lazy lately.

What was that? You think it’s wrong to lie to a girl to get her to go home with you? Well, my friends, back in the day I was good at it. Damn good if I must say so myself. You don’t get your name put up on the board at your local tavern that says “Don’t go home with anyone named B to the…” for nothing. And I don’t know if I’d actually call it lying, just bending the truth a little. I wouldn’t lie about my occupation or anything like that. I’d just bend the truth to make myself appear to be a nice guy (ha!) and that I’d make a good boyfriend (ha, ha!) and that I was truly interested and would call them the next day (complete bullshit). I don’t know if you consider that lying or just playing the game. In any case, I won the game on many occasions.

Now I just whack off every day in my basement watching porn that I downloaded five years ago. I win those battles of tug of war every time.