Fact You May Not Have Known

The human colon/rectum can hold up to half a gallon of liquefied shit.

Seriously, as soon as I woke up this morning I raced to the can to shit. Had I been standing up and bent over I could have gotten a good five feet of distance on it. For two minutes this went on with brown and yellow liquids either gently flowing or forcibly exiting my butt. Figuring it was all done I wiped and was ready to flush when the growl gargle gulp happened (I know you know that feeling). Instead of flushing I put my ass squarely back on the toilet and continued to flush out my lower intestinal tract. Wiping both the sweat on my forehead and the grotesque liquid from my ass, I was ready to flush again. Grrrrump grrrrop. Oh boy, I wasn’t done yet. Once again I assaulted my toilet with the vilest of shit it has seen to date. And once again, it was 100% liquid. I wiped, flushed, took a shower, and crapped yet one more time before leaving the bathroom. By this point I was exhausted, defeated, and yet still a little proud for what I had just done. I had met the challenge and I was still alive to tell the story.

So yeah, I’ve been sick lately. I started to feel it on Monday when I was just a little bit off key. Tuesday I really noticed it as I was tired and had this really nasty cough and stuffy nose. Tuesday night I didn’t sleep at all. It was all I could do to concentrate on my breathing; a deep breathe would leave me coughing and hacking, too little of a breathe – death. It peaked around 5:00 am on Wednesday morning with me rolling around in bed coughing and choking, sweating and freezing. I was told I should go see the doctor and since I haven’t been this sick in quite some time I agreed. The verdict: bronchitis. I figured that’s what it was. Usually I just try to ride it out on my own and sometimes it passes. But after staying up all night on Tuesday doing to best to breathe and stay alive I figured it was time for some medication. As I write this Thursday night I am a bit better but still not up to snuff.

My body feels like it’s either been beat up by five midgets or I went through a 10 hour weightlifting session during which I worked every body part to absolute failure. This morning standing over the sink shaving my face my lower back tightened up on me to the point where I had to do a rough job and finish up quickly. This after I was doing bent over rows with 150 lbs on Sunday. You know you’re fucked up when that happens. Walking into work today my backpack with my leftover KFC in it (and other manly items – ok, fine, it’s kind of like a purse but it’s a backpack) left my shoulder in more pain than I experience when doing shoulder shrugs with 225 lbs. Backpack with KFC feels heavier than 225 lbs – pitiful. In other words, I’ve been pretty sick the past three days. Yeah, I’m a pussy.

Oh, but it gets worse. You see, I tend to booze it up every once in a while. Boozing it up allows me to sleep like a baby at night holding his little teddy bear. Well, since I’ve been sick I haven’t really been able to do that, or smoke cigarettes for that matter. I’ve slept maybe five hours since Tuesday morning. Yeah, I’m pretty much dragging right now, even with the medication. Unfortunately this is going to go on for a bit longer as I can’t imagine touching a beer; hell, even Mr. Frankie doesn’t want to be touched. I never thought there’d be a day when I felt so crappy that I didn’t even want to whack off.

At work today with the cold sweats and liquid shits, I said a little prayer every time I felt dampness in my shorts as I waddled to the bathroom.