I Fought the Waist and…

A week ago I received a flyer in the mail for Kohl’s department store. I get them about once a month with their special promotions for this or for that. Usually they have offers of 15% or 20% off anything in the store. This one was for 30% off anything in the store. If I were a woman I’d have this image in my head that would read “Practically Free!” with bright flashing lights.But I’m not a woman, just a tight ass soon to be old man, but hell, for 30% off I’ll take a look.

I haven’t really bought any work clothes in quite some time. My navy blue dockers are starting to look like North Carolina blue. My tan pants would be perfect camouflage gear on the white sand beaches in Mexico. I’ve cut hanging strings from the bottoms of my green pants so many times there is hardly any cuff left. Mr. Fudd’s daughter said one of my shirts was kind of confusing (what’s wrong with checkers?). So I figured it was probably about time for some new clothes.

I walked in the store and out of habit I wandered over to the shoe section (surprise). After looking at (fondling) a dozen shoes I headed over to the shorts section. For some reason every casual short they had would have made me look like John Stockton back in his heyday.I looked at my watch; ten minutes had already passed. I knew that I only had 20 minutes left till I started sweating profusely from the pain and anxiety of shopping. I made my way over to the casual pants and found my favorite brand. Just for the hell of it I grabbed a certain size and ducked into the dressing room. And you know what? They fit like a glove! The length was perfect, the waist was perfect; it was like the pants were made specifically for me. I hate trying on clothes at a store and this is usually when I begin to sweat, but not this time. Finding the perfect pants on the first try was like winning the World Series for me. I was elated. The only bad thing? After being a size 36” waist since I was a freshman in high school, I was now wearing a size 38” pant that had no intentions of freely falling off my hips. Yes my friends, I am now 30 and officially have fat pants. They even have the elastic bands on the sides for future expansion. Don’t worry, I planned ahead for that and bought a 40” belt.

I went back to the rack and grabbed two other colors of the same brand, same size. I love getting new things and trying to be different. I bought navy blue pants, tan pants, and green pants. They are the exact same brand and exact same color as the pants I bought two and a half years ago, just two inches bigger in the waist.

I fought the waist and the waist won.

After this life changing experience I raced home and put on the jogging shoes. I ran two miles with only stopping six(teen) times.

And for the record I blame this all on sit-ups. Instead of doing sit-ups like women do, I like to add weight so I’m dead after 20 reps. If I can do 25 sit-ups while holding a ten pound weight behind my head I’ll add another five pounds to it. My abs are massive.

Or it could be the beer and late night feeding frenzies.



Next thing you know I’ll have to get special underwear made for my balls that hang down to my knees.