Feces and Hoes

I was browsing through the local police reports today and found these under the Marquette University section:

Human feces were found in a room at Lubar Hall March 20.

Personally I don’t find anything that would be reportable to the police on this but I have a rather different point of view when it comes to fecal matter.

An employee at Garland Hall received a letter March 21 containing pornographic material and derogatory comments regarding minorities and women. The letter was postmarked Tucson, Ariz.

Uh, how come I don’t get pornographic material in the mail? And isn’t pornographic material usually derogatory to women? Whoever thought up anal sex wasn’t looking to put women on a pedestal or anything. I don’t know why he/she had to throw the comments about minorities in there. I mean, aren’t all minorities used to derogatory remarks by now? Shit, its 2007! I don’t think you could possibly make up anything new that hasn’t already been heard. If the pornographic material contained minority women, then I could see writing, “I’m going to fuck you just like this spic hoe is getting fucked.” God I’d be horrible writing hate mail. I need to work on this. Coming to a mailbox near you…

Just because I’m a sick and perverted (or highly intelligent and imaginative) individual, what if I twisted the two above instances together and instead of shitting in someone’s room and mailing pornographic material, I’m simply going to shit in my own room and mail the pictures (not of me shitting, just the shit). You would think that while being pretty fucking gross and disgusting, it would also be perfectly legal. Hmm, I know a bar manager in New York who might be getting a letter soon.

And just in case you’re wondering, I consider spic hoe an endearing term. I love Hispanic women. I love hoes. I dream about spic hoes every night. Well, that is when I’m not dreaming about black hoes. Some nights when I get really drunk and snort some toothpaste I dream about spic hoes and black hoes at the same time. Reminds me of the good old days back when I was pimping in Brooklyn…


(Sigh…)


While we’re on the topic of spic hoes… The Renter spent some time with the new DVDs and found a scene that has a Hispanic woman dressed in a maid outfit (sans panties of course, cause who needs panties when you’re dusting?) who doesn’t speak a word of English yet knows exactly what to do when the guy, saying nothing, drops his pants. I don’t get it. I usually get the cops called on me when I do that. But no, she dropped to her knees like a professional and took care of business. Besides being a maid I think she might work part-time in the Mexican porn industry but I’m not sure, looked like she knew what she was doing. I think she might have been lying about not knowing English, too. Either way, I’ll still marry her if she needs her green card.

Now I know what I will be doing on my birthday. Thursday night I will be “cleaning” my house with my new maid friend. My house is pretty dirty so I think it might have to be “cleaned” several times. Since I feel really uncomfortable when I escort a woman out of my house after doing it and realize that I don’t even know her name, we will call my maid friend Maria Rodriguez (not to be confused with Heather Rodriguez who I swear told me she was 18 during my freshman year of college). Maria Rodriguez and I are going to spend the evening performing a rare ritual in my house that includes her getting fucked and me feverishly beating off (really, it doesn’t happen that often). I will slip her my man meat and she will scream and moan in her sweet Latin accent. It will be a glorious sight to see (for her and I, not you, sorry), the two of us bonding like no gringo and Mexican maid have ever bonded before. Greatest birthday ever.