Saturday Morning Blog (For No Better Title)

Ok, so mind you I told the roommate I wouldn’t blog about her snoring (does she have a baby pig in her closet?), as I came home one night at 4:30 and she was making noise. Granted she is a little under the weather, but she does snore (only when congested I’ve been told, right). When she wasn’t living here and just sleeping in my bed she’d wait till I fell asleep/passed out and then go to sleep. But not this time, caught her red handed (or baby pig handed). And as I type this she is making moaning sounds in her sleep (7:00 am, she’s going to kill me for this), I can only imagine that her dreams are much better than my sex life (which is currently non-existent, any volunteers, please?). Come on, single guy, 6’4”, 215 lbs who works out every week day, has the stamina to jog two miles (with only stopping twice, that equates to at least 20 minutes in the sack, foreplay adds on), minor gambling problem (losing $1,000, while it does change my mood, does not leave me blowing dudes on North Ave. for dinner {frozen pizza}, still up $2k on them for two weeks), spends way too much time on the internet (small percentage viewing porn), and the other half of his free time either spends at the corner bar or touching his schlong (quality time as I call it). Shit, with all of the above attributes you’d think I’d be a hot commodity. But no, as I am vehically challenged (bad driving record), and my refusal/inability to drive after drinking (40ish woman at the gym can have a glass of wine, I’ll have a coke (soda)), I’m stuck with the selection at the corner bar (which is questionable at best). And the selection at the bar is getting worse, had an ex-girlfriend flash a 12” knife in front of me the other night (granted it was her birthday and she had a cake in front of her, but waving the knife in front of me?). The last one I met blew me but I don’t come off of blow jobs, what the hell? Naked in my bed, no sex, so goes my life. I should change my Yahoo Personal ad. 25 (really 29) yr old lawyer, do corporate takeovers and mergers, single guy with 10” penis (slight exaggeration), run marathons (major exaggeration), penthouse condo downtown (yeah), Beemer M3 (every lawyer needs a Beemer, even though I would never own one, unless I won it), enjoy expensive dinners at Mo’s Steak House (Mc D's), dress impeccably (thank you Walmart/Old Navy), and love kids (all they do is shit, kinda like me). So I’m pretty much screwed (or not screwed, unless someone wants to offer some services, I'll pay for dinner, is that still prostitution?), and my dating life sucks, but I’m happy being single. I mean, really, everyone wants to be posting to their blog at 7:45 am on a Saturday after losing $1,000 at the casino and getting absolutely no sleep as the casino coffee kept you up all night/morning. And still drinking beer (cheap beer at that, thank you Busch Lite). Again, roommate’s going to kill me.