I recently ran into my future ex wife (because what marriage is really going to last?). We didn’t talk to each other, just a long glance (probably more of a longing glance on my part), smile, and wave. Over a year ago she used to be a bartender at the corner bar. She has dark skin (her mom’s white and her dad’s Mexican), long flowing hair, very nice ass/boob combo, with just a hint of tummy/luv handles. If you know my taste in women you’d know I would cut off my pinky toe to get in bed with her, maybe even just to make out with her. Pretty much every Friday I’d go to the bar right after work. There’d be one or two other people in there and the goddess behind the bar. Since there wasn’t anyone else in there her age she was forced to talk to me (maybe not forced, but…). We would watch MTV and VH1 till her shift was up at 8:00, laughing our asses off and making fun of the idiots on the TV. She was always smiling and looking way to damn cute. Although she was a little ditsy, I’ve tried to block this from my memory. I don’t know if she did this on purpose or if it was truly the ditsyness, but after three pitchers of beer my tab would be $5. I love you beer goddess! And because she was the beer goddess who either can’t add or thinks I’m poor or thinks giving me free beer will get her laid (damn I should have realized that before she quit) I’d tip her $10 (would have spent $15 anyway if I was actually paying for them). But last night she was with her boyfriend who is kind of big and mean looking, and while I’m not small or anything I am somewhat of a pussy. See you (and mentally undress you) next time oh beer goddess.
Later in the evening my stomach started feeling a little funny, and standing at the bar (no seats open) did not help any. I don’t know why I called it “a little funny” because shitting your pants in front of your friends in a rage of the runs isn’t “a little funny.” Seeing someone else pee on themselves at the bar is fucking hilarious (please see Asian blog!!!), but when it’s you, not so funny. Around 12:00 I couldn’t hold it any longer, I had to shit. While I hang out at the corner bar a lot, I do not use their bathroom for anything but #1 (and masturbation). While it is a nice establishment the bathrooms can get a little nasty. My house is a block away and I’d much rather poop in the comfort of my own home.
I will save you from the juicy (really) details of sharing my most personal of moments with my toilet, but if you can imagine a bowl of chili with the odor or a five month old dead cat you’d be getting pretty close (only good cat is a dead cat).
After another hour at the bar the roommate and I leave as we both have to work in the morning. She asks if it’s still going to smell in the house. Come on, it’s me, my shits don’t stink (kinda like I’ve never peed in the sink). But oh my God did it ever, almost made me hurl my last pitcher of beer (that would be so wasteful, and sticking my head directly over the source of the stench would encourage another pitcher to spew out). The whole living room, hallway, three bedrooms, and bathroom had a green hazy cloud in them. I think the roommate got off easy as the densest section of the cloud was towards the ceiling and she slipped underneath it. Guess I forgot to use the “B’s Ass Spray.” Sorry, my fault, no, actually I’m sorry again, I forgot to use it on purpose (I’m horrible).
I'm not the only one with horrendous ass stories. I've posted a link to Jason Mulgrew's site. It's a little long but you can skip down halfway to the part where he gets to the party. He has some funny shit to tell.
Mulgrew
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2 comments:
use the spray, the spray is our friend. and if u dont i'm going to start farting on ur pillow!!
So I went to the bathroom down the hall from my office before stepping out for my usual late lunch.
I walked in and immediately noticed the stench of poo. I figured someone was just in there before me, took a hearty number 2 and left. So I step into my usual stall and notice that I'm not acclimating to the smell like I usually do. It usually take 30 seconds. I actually had to use my skirt to cover my nose and mouth. My eyes are watering. My gag reflex, which I thought I lost, began working full force. The smell is getting stronger and sharper. It becomes clear to me that there is something more sinister going on here. And that's when I saw it. In the stall to my left on the floor. It's just sitting there taking pleasure in my pain. It's a small pile of poo. I am not shitting you - pun intended. Someone actually took a shit on the floor. I finished my number one as fast as I could, quickly uncovered my nose and mouth, wiped, flushed and stepped out of my stall. And then that's when it happened. I know people joke about this, but this actually happened. With watery eyes and gasping for air, I almost threw up in my mouth. I had an egg and cheese on a roll this morning and I could taste it coming up the back of my throat. I washed my hands and ran out of there.
Now, I'm beginning to wonder how this happened. It's a ladies restroom, so obviously a woman did this. I initially thought that maybe a toilet-trained child did this, but that poo was too big and too much to come from a small kid. So if it was an adult shitter, she obviously did what I usually do and just squatted over the toilet. The poo rested on the floor right in front of the toilet itself. But what kind of an idiot has such bad aim? So if I am to blame bad marksmanship, fine, but why didn't she clean it up? I know that I have no problem cleaning my own poo. You just grab a huge (and I mean huge) wad of TP and scoop it up then flush it down the toilet. Leaving poo behind is just...RUDE. Rude, I says!
And I'm still too scared to go back in there for fear that I will actually vomit.
( i found this blog post for u. thought it was fitting)
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