My Friends Are Going To Shit Themselves

I’ve been a busy beaver the last two days. Monday I mowed the lawn after work, picked weeds for 30 minutes (filled up a Walmart bag), watered the lawn, and spent 45 minutes moving crap out of my two extra bedrooms (ok, one and a half) all the way to my kitchen (didn’t feel like going all the way downstairs, and I don’t have a kitchen table so there’s plenty of room). I was a sweaty little boy after that so I took a shower, had three vod/lems (four shots each) and three pitchers at the bar where I won $240 playing Ship/Captain/Crew for $5 a pop. For those of you who don’t know that’s a shit load for a $5 game.

Today I got a decent amount of stuff done at work, went to the gym, chatted with the new gym pal/gal, and I think I pulled something in my back (can’t pull the thing in the front at the gym). But here’s where the major shitting will come if you haven’t already. After work I went to Walmart and bought (gasp) cleaning supplies. My philosophy is I’m not home much so I don’t make much of a mess, hence my sparce/zero cleaning schedule (more like zero). The Walmart shopping list was:

22 paper plates (keeps the real plates clean)
Liquid plumber (you should see my slow draining tub)
Shower curtain liner (again, see above)
Scrubbing bubbles (and again…)
Scrubbing sponges (need I say anything?)
Ant/spider killer (for the garage, not the tub)
2 bags of sunflower seeds (Arabs downtown have been ripping me off!)
Shampoo (yes, I do use my filthy shower)
Citrus air freshener (for those days when I forget to shit at work)
Lowrey’s beef jerky (haven’t had that stuff since I was a kid)

All that for $25, god I love Walmart.

When I got home I picked weeds for another 20 minutes, another Walmart bag filled. Watered the grass, poured the drano, all while paying my internet and energy bill (five days of having the radio cranked for 9 hours each day - sorry neighbors - and using the power tools for the deck increased my bill by $30, bastards). Then I busted out the carpet cleaner [insert carpet cleaning/munching joke here]. I’ve been in my house for 5.5 months and haven’t really vacuumed, only when it looked dirty and then (don’t laugh) it was with a hand held Dirt Devil (wonder why I didn’t do it more often?). The carpet cleaner worked like a charm, the dirty disgusting water that I dumped in the toilet would have made any real man proud (reminds me of leaving the sister a “surprise” in her bathroom two weeks ago). In the process of doing the carpets I dripped some of the cleaning solution on the wood floors (which I spent – with pops – 15 hours sanding and refinishing). I didn’t want to screw up the finish so I quickly mopped the living room and kitchen. 9:00 pm, sweaty boy sitting on the steps of his new deck, smoking a cigarette, drinking a root beer, all while totally sober. Sucked. Two days in a row I busted my ass till 9:00, not the usual B. And it will be the same tomorrow cleaning out the tub. You know my cheap ass has only had the air on for one day so I’m sure I’ll have the box fan blowing on me while I’m laboring over the “ring around the collar”. Won’t stop me from sweating I guarantee you. All this in preparation of the slant eyed asian woman moving in. Last time I helped her move I was pretty well lit by 1:00 (and she wants me to drive the moving van? I don’t think so!) and it was quite an entertaining day. Guess I asked some woman I met that day if her boobs (was informed they were fake) were firm or soft. Was later informed she wanted to kick my ass and at that time it wouldn’t have been hard (or firm?).

I’ve got more shit but I’ll save it for a later day. I have to refill my cup (important things first). Peace.