Morning Gas

It's 10:00 a.m. and my farts don't seem to disseminate as quickly as they did at 9:00. I would just go shit and get it over with but my phone is dead. I certainly can't poop without some lame cell phone game to play. Let's just hope and pray that nobody comes in to my office.

New Puppy

New puppy for $40, not a bad deal. Docile and potty trained, perfect.

Puppy Exchange

I'm getting a new puppy today. I figured I've had Molly for over three years now and it's about time I exchange her for a new puppy. I just hope the new one is potty trained.

Abs

Are there any stomach exercises that build side abs while sucking the gut in? I have abs, hidden a bit under a layer of, er, well, hidden, but I swear every situp I do makes my abs stick out farther.

This has absolutley nothing to do with drinking 15-20 beers a day, I might add.

Cell Phone Memory

I bought a Samsung Epic when it first came out. It's not as cool as an iPhone but it can do everything I need it to. It came with a 16 gig memory card which is twice as big as my last phone. Playing around with it this week I noticed that I had less than 2 gigs of memory available. I went through all the apps I had downloaded and removed the ones I never used but that didn't do much good. I painstakingly went through all the porn I had stored and removed the ones with two guys doing one girl and ones where the chick sucked at giving blow jobs. This didn't free up much space either. I tried to delete all the pictures I had taken but in the process I somehow screwed up the whole system as it wouldn't delete any of them. Then I tried to access it through my computer but I don't use my computer at home much and absolutely hate Windows Vista. My last resort was to hand it over to the Renter. After five minutes she gave it back to me with 10 gigs of available space. Sweet!

Bitch had deleted ALL my porn.

Super Glue

The Renter tried to super glue her heel to her high heels, but everything didn't go so well. Photo of the glue glued to her fingers (plural, both of them).

Man Of The House Chair

I picked this up for $170 on Sunday. I dare anyone to sit in it.

Puppy Air Conditioning

So it's 93 degrees today, and of course we're sitting outside enjoying the weather. But the Puppy, all 7.5 pounds of her, has a nice cool spot under the chair with cold water flowing through the hose. Must be rough.

Coming of Age

As I get older I'm starting to realize that I have more choices to make.  When I was younger and someone brought doughnuts in to work, I'd be polite and take one.  Yesterday I had four.  If the "free doughnuts" email went out at 8:30 it's not my fault if someone else didn't take one by 9:30.  On Sunday's, if I don't want to go to church I really don't have to (but I still talk to The Big Guy on a regular basis).  Someone suggested going to the State Fair at 8:00 pm on a Saturday and I nixed that, opting for a noon start time for fun in the sun with plenty of beer and a safe walk home around 8:00 pm (might give you an idea of where I live).  The police used to be the enemy but now I don't have a problem making a call when my neighbor cranks his stereo playing some ghetto-ass music (the ordinance is no noise 50 feet away, not full volume until 10:00 pm as some morans think).
 
But there is one thing that was branded in my upbringing that I've never backed out of: going to the dentist.  I've seen the same dentist my whole life, every six months as a kid, every nine months now that I have to pay for it.  Being a moderate (ehem...) smoker and coffee drinker, regular visits to the dentist are probably advised.  I've had two cavities in my life but I'm 95% sure those happened because of my addiction to sunflower seeds (whole seeds in one cheek and swapping them over to the other side after cracking them, all in the office environment mind you).
 
I got the reminder of my appointment in the mail this week.  It seems that every time I go it ends up running me at least $125.  I've been doing a new savings technique lately (yes, yet another savings plan).  Every paycheck I've been sticking a $100 bill in my wallet.  I've done this for eight paychecks now.  Looking at this small sample, $125 taken out of $800 is a big percentage.  In the grand scheme of things it's a penny in the wishing well (because I'm soooooo looooooaded!) but I like to play these mental money games; keeps me on my toes.  The phone call went like this:
 
Me:  Hi, this is B to the..., I have an appointment for next week Wednesday.
 
Receptionist:  Yes, we have you down for 3:30.
 
Me:  I was wondering if I could cancel that.  It's a week away, is it too late to cancel?
 
Receptionist:  No, that's fine.  Would you like to reschedule the appointment?
 
Me:  Umm, no, not really.
 
Receptionist:  Would you like us to give you a reminder call in three months?
 
Me:  Ahh, I'll put it on my calendar to call you.
 
Receptionist:  Ok, just don't forget about us.
 
Success!  I actually felt a little naughty when I hung up.

Butt Plug

I have a friend who tells me he uses these twice a day. It's a paper towel that he puts in his ass crack to combat sweat. Totally understandable, butt sweat could bleed through and become noticable. But literally digging deeper, I found out that he balls up the end of it, for insertion, so it doesn't fall out (which I've been told it still does on occasion). This scares me a bit, that my friends partake in practices that even I think are weird. I mean, when I get loaded and you pass out there will most definately be pictures of my small penis or white ass looming over your head, but paper towel inserted into your rectum? Uh.

How Was Your Week Off?

When I went back to work on Tuesday a lot of people asked me how my week off was. After having nothing but sunny weather in the 80's I was pretty tan so "sitting outside chillin" was one of my standard responses. It was also pretty much the only work place appropriate response. I couldn't really tell anyone that:

I bought 720 cans of beer because they were on sale.

My shorts (and underwear) came off for photo opportunities many times as friends passed out before me.

I had numerous water balloon fights with friends who came over.

I wrestled with the Renter in my underwear in the kitchen. Also had a bottle of tabasco sause stuck in my butt in said fiasco.

I performed my version of Superman in my underwear on the 4th (without leaving the ground, of course). I didn't remember that at all.

But what I think was the best of the week? I sat on my deck with a cooler of ice cold beer for the most of ten days, leaving my seat only to restock the cooler and use the bathroom. After spending eight hours at work on Tuesday my thighs hurt from walking. Mind you I have a desk job.

Beer On Sale

I had to clean the bathroom and give Puppy a bath, but the Renter made a run to the store for 4th of July supplies and beer was on sale. I saved $1 a 30-pack, might as well stock up.

That is a picture from my kitchen. 720 beers, I should be good for two months.

Brewers Vs. Yankees

Horrible series. The 3rd game, Randy Wolf against CC Sabathia, that's like me walking on to a porn set with Peter North. (As our "actress" for the day eyes his cock with fear and trepidation, she doesn't think twice about letting me fuck her in her belly button.)

CD/Stereo

I've had issues with my neighbors lately, mainly their loud music and pot smoking. So I decided I might be able to fight back, certainly not on the illegal drug use side of it.

I had the Renter pick up an RCA cabel for $5 online, good price assuming it would have cost me at least $4 at Radio Shack.

But in my vacation mode, which means drinking at 1:00 every day, when I asked her for help I wasn't much help. I needed to move the receiver in order t get the 1999 200-disk CD player in the entertainment cabinet, which was a tight squeeze. After getting yelled at and loosing my helper I managed to wedge everything in, ugly as it was.

I'll have to re-route all the wires tomorrow.

But the first random CD that came on was Stevie Ray, classic shit. I turned it up, the guitar stroking at my heart. I knew it was a little loud but hey, first time testing out the stereo and the two 10" subs weren't even turned on.

I'll have to ask the nice neighbor if he'll be around tomorrow, possibly re-route the wires and turn the subs on. That would be six 10" subs, 2 independantly powered, echowing in my basement.

Let's just say REM shakes the house. Ice Cube's "Check Yo Self" might get to the foundation.

10 Days Off

This, my friends, is how I prepare for ten straight days off from work. Seven 30-packs on the floor, two more in the fridge, and ten pounds of ribs (on sale for $1.99/lb). I'm sure I'll be beered and porked out when it's all said and done. At least this week it's supposed to be 80 and sunny. Can't ask for much better weather in Wisconsin.

Dan Gilbert Owes Me 9.5 Minutes Of My Life Back

The NBA Lottery was May 17th. With over a month to interview and work out all the draft prospects, Dan Gilbert and the Cavs management made me wait nine and a half minutes to find out who they were going to select with the number one overall pick. Assholes.

The invoice for my time is in the mail.

Dumpster Diving

I had a chicken burrito at work today. I'm always carefull with the garbage, putting the tray food side up in the garbage so the cleaning lady doesn't have to change the bag.

A co-worker swung by during lunch.

"So what do you do during lunch since you don't go anywhere?"

"I catch up on stuff, nothing major."

"Is that my time off request?", looking at a page on my desk.

"Yep." As I crushed the paper and threw it in the garbage.

"Don't you need that?"

Pulling it out of the garbage, with a hunk of chickenattached from the burrito, "No, I record the hours off your timesheet, not this," as I ate the piece of chicken that was stuck tot the sheet.

The co-worker freaked out, much to my pleasure. She left my office shortly thereafter.

Mission accomplished.

2nd "Outdoor Man Cave" Comment

Some guy riding his bike with his dog practically fell off his bike as he stopped on the sidewalk.

"I don't mean to creep you out or anything but that's pretty sweet! What's the score?"

"8 to 1, not looking good."

"Again, that's pretty slick. Take care."

I think I'm giving the Heinecken guy a run for his money.

Love The Setup

9:00 on Monday I was getting a little hungry. I had a sandwich at work at 4:00 but after lifting weights and eight beers I had to make a trip to the gas station for a pizza.

After pre-heating the oven and putting the pizza in I stepped outside to find a guy in a minivan on the street eyeing up my house.

"I like the setup."

Yeah bitches, I know how to roll.

If only I could get rid of my renting neighbors who are loud and obnoxious. The Renter is on their case, calling the authorities and the property owner. The owner is 83 so I'd hope, dark as it may sound, that the house might be put up for sale eventually.

Only time will tell.

Budget Analysis

I was looking at my budget spreadsheet and what bills were going to be paid from my 6/24 paycheck. Analyzing the budget, if you will. More like anal-yzing; I have every bill scheduled till the end of 2013. I'm pretty anal when it comes to money. Probably the reason why salesmen drool over my credit rating when I apply for those 0% finance deals at retail stores (which I also keep at good amount of attention on in order to avoid any finance charges). But looking at my 6/24 paycheck, I noticed there were two payments listed for the exact amount, $524. I dug around on all my credit card websites and sure enough, I had listed the same payment twice. Grinning ear to ear I deleted the one, swapped $100 over to the "spend" line and moved the rest to the "savings" line. That $100 will come in handy as I have the week off and will most certainly start drinking at 1:00 every day.