The Open

I watched 11 hours of The Open on Friday (and yes, that was 3:00 am to 2:00 pm Central time).  I caught five hours on Saturday and most of Sunday.

My heart was racing as Adam Scott faultered at the end.  I felt so bad for the guy.  To put it lightly, he took a shit over the last four holes.

I, on my ninth day off from work, did the same.  I'm surprised I didn't shit myself on any of the previous eight days.  What I thought would be a clean fart ended up quite juicey.  I had to throw the underwear away.  It was bad.

I'm surprised my dog still sleeps in the same bed with me.

Rawhide

At 8:45, I'd be in bed right now, but Puppy is still working on a rawhide I gave her.  The things I do for my dog.  She better be ready for the early Sunday wakeup for the British Open.

Mom Getting In Touch

"Your mom really knows when to call you.  After you've been drinking, you talk to her for a long time."

I talked to my mom last night?

That's a Spicy Taco

In the restroom with the highest ranking person from the adjacent agency.

I walk in.

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Not too shabby, but then again, Friday's are always good."

"After all my years working I would have to agree with you."

[walking into stall] "I, uh, I had some spicy tacos last night..." [voice trailing off]

Squeak, ffffffftttttt, bawababawababawa.

Squeak.

I might never be able to look him in the eye again.

Corner Bar

As much as I lament the corner bar closing down and becoming a rather expensive Mexican eatery, combined with my new found passion for NOT going to the casino, I have more cash in my account than ever.  I'm loaded, bitches.  Well, as loaded as a middle class person with a 20 beer/night affection can be.  If you love something, make sure it will be there for you.

Still have to kick the bucket before Puppy...

Cole Hamels Pulls the String

Watching the MLB All Star Game, and I know Cole Hamels didn't throw a fast ball, so was that a reference to a feminine product?

Lawn Watering

Christ, I waited till 9:00 to water my lawn, now I'll be up till 10:30 because I can't leave a job half done.  Thank goodness I don't have a huge lot.

Chicken Alfredo Fail #2

The Renter made chicken alfredo on Sunday.  I ate my fair share, but as you all know, my system doesn't handle dairy products very well.

Monday morning, 9:00 am.  I let one slide.  Hoping to just release a little gas I instead let out the most foul smelling fart ever, at least as far as my professional career considered.

It stunk.  I prayed no one would walk into my office.  If no one walked into my office I would be ok, at least that's what I thought.

Co-worker: Why does it smell like a fart in here?

He was 20 ft away.  My fart had drifted out of my office and hit the common area.

I, of course, took full credit for my masterpiece.

75 degrees

My dog doesn't even know how much it's costing me to keep the house at 75 degrees.

It's 92 Fucking Degrees

I sat outside, watching the Brewers, and the A/C was kicking on every 10 minutes, and it was set at 80 degrees.  This heat wave is kicking my ass.

Roger Clemens, Not Guilty

While Roger Clemens may have been found not guilty of lying to Congress, he's 100% guilty of sporting a seriously bad haircut.

Tiger's 75

I think I caught all of 7 strokes from Tiger Woods.  Golf, the great nap enhancer.

Last Fuck

A female friend emailed me last Friday.

FF: 4:22 on a Friday and it's gorgeous outside... realy? (along with the attached e-card)

Me: You shouldn't give that out just because it's a Friday.  Hold out for dinner and a movie at least.

FF: Oh dear god!  B to the..., sometimes I have no words for you.

I, on the other hand, will give up my last fuck (wink) on any day of the week.

Deck

One of my peeps asked me recently, "Your deck is bigger than your living room?"  Yes, it is.

Dog Talker

My neighbor just caught me talking to my dog.  Thank goodness he didn't hear my dog talk back.  That would have been awkward.

Winnie Cooper

Did you guys hear? Winnie Cooper is back on the market!  Giddy up!

Chicken Alfredo Fail

The Renter and I went grocery shopping on Saturday.  I picked up the meat (chicken, steak, ground beef), the Renter got 20 other things she had coupons for.

Those 20 items took 30 minutes to find.

My system doesn't do that well with dairy products, but we had had chicken alfredo two weeks prior at Maggiano's and it was damn tasty.  The Renter tried her hand at making her own on Sunday.

Monday, driving to work, I let one slide.  The Renter was driving.  Within five seconds she smelled it.  I was laughing my ass off, a fart recognition that quickly was worth it.

Until she rolled up her window.

"You're going to have to live with this, too."

Not wanting to dissapate my handywork, I kept my window closed, too.  I started gaging.  My fart was so bad I couldn't stand it.

I've never gagged off my own fart.  I have had a girlfriend puke in my lap from someone else's fart, but not my own.

3:00 pm, Friday

Boss: You look like you're on vacation mode already.

I couldn't have looked drunk at 3:00 pm.  At least I don't think so.

I have the next ten days off from work.  Get ready for a slew of new posts.

That is, if I don't look like I'm on vacation.

Retarded Friend

I tell my co-workers about my retarded friend all the time and they just look at me weird.  I'm not sure if it's because "retarded" is not accepted anymore as a "retarded" way of describing something that is indeed "retarded" or the fact that they just take it for granted that I hang out with retards all the time.  I'm sure they think that's where I get my sense of fashion (or lack there of) from.  So anyway, my retarded friend got in trouble at work and had to write a letter to his boss.  After reading the above letter, you can see that he is indeed retarded.

American Idol Betting Odds

Phillip +105

Jessica +160

Joshua +220

Holly +2200

This astounds me.  I don't know how Phillip is still on there, and being the favorite to top it off.  I'd put money on Joshua before Jessica.  And for the record, the only reason I watch is because the Renter makes me.

That being said, here's to watching Phillip sing/take a shit on stage yet once again.  Somebody get him a laxative.