600-SAN

I get it, you drive a Jaguar, you have Harvard plate holders, but that doesn't mean you can drive like a dick.  I'll keep you on my radar, especially when I have the summer tires on that stick out past my fenders.

Chorus, "Happy Valentine's Day!"

Those were my 16 friends singing, and I thank each and every one of them.  Till tomorrow, my friends.  Just another day.

Digiorno Pizza

It's 9:00 and I have to wait 23 minutes till my Digiorno pizza is ready.  While I'm ready for bed right now.  7:30 am meetings wear on you.

Conference Call

I had a conference calL at work this week.  It involved myself, a co-worker, a person from outside my office who was in the neighborhood, and a governmental agency on the other end of the line.  The three people mentioned were all in the same room.

Earlier in the day the conference call phone wasn't working.  Our awesome IT guys got it up and working shortly after.  Around noon I went to the room with my cell phone to test it out.  I called the number, the phone beeped and I answered it.  Everything seemed to be working just fine.

Co-worker:  Is the conference call phone working now?

Me:  I was just down there and I called it from my cell phone and it worked.

Co-worker:  Who answered it?

Me:  I did.

Co-worker:  How did you make the call and answer it?

Me, with both hands at my ears:  I called it with my right hand and answered it with my left?

Co-worker:  Let's have [guy at work] go see if he can answer it.

Seriously, this was about answering a phone.  The guy who fixes most things in the office (me) can't be relied upon to answer a phone.

Two minutes before our conference call was suppoed to start I decided to test it out again just to be sure it was working.  The governmental agency was calling us so I wanted to make sure an incoming call would go through.  I dailed the number on my cell phone.  The conference phone rang.  I hit the answer button on the conference phone.

Me:  Hello?

My voice came back at us over the conference phone, with about a second delay.

Me:  Hello?  Wow, there's quite a delay there.

Co-worker:  B to the..., stop that, I can't hear.  Hello?

Me, sitting right next to said co-worker, with my cell phone to my head:  You do know that's just me testing it, right?

????????

I later sent an email to the third person who was in the room:  Kind of cruel, but how many "Hello's" do you think we would have exchanged if I had continued my test call?

Third person:  You need to get on with your day, but I didlaugh out loud after reading this.

At the end of the day, I still bring it.

Contagion

A co-worker let me borrow his Netfix DVD of "Contagion.". Good lord, life will never be the same.  With all the sick people at work and touching papers they've touched, I've gotten a little anal about washing my hands.  I was anal before, but now...

Wow.

Actually, funny story (I still have some!).  While watching the movie the Renter kept insisting that I start the movie over (it starts on day 2).  I, of course, resisted, all I did was hit play.  As any good movie would, they showed day 1 at the end of the movie (hence the suspense) and I was vindicated, but still.

I have a great work/conference phone story to tell, but I'll wait till I have another job, sorry.

Hands clapping to all the people who bet on the NY Giants.  Vegas can burn for all I care.

AM or PM?

I had another one.  7:30, dark outside, could have been morning or night.  Thankfully (or not) its night so there's still drinking time left.  Till 7:30 in the morning.

Chula Vista, Wisconsin Dells

Trying to put this into words will not do it justice.

The Renter and I took two friends to the Chula Vista resort in the Wisconsin Dells.  They had their winter/week day special going on: $100 a night for two people, all you can eat, all you can drink.  It ended up being $238 for two nights after they added on their insane hotel tax but still, $119/person for 48 hours of eating and drinking.  I think I got my money's worth six hours after check in.

The first night I had all you can eat steak with three or four green beans.  When you have all you can eat steak there really isn't a need for sides.  For breakfast the next morning I had bacon with a side of eggs.  After overindulging at the indoor water park I kind of missed lunch (travesty) but made up for it with an awesome crab leg and fish dinner.  Mind you, this whole time I was drinking, for free.  Free.

A couple of the highlights of the trip:

While standing outside having a smoke a rather older woman was standing next to me.  I politely asked how she was doing and she said she had just taken a shower and felt wet and damp.  Having eaten like a king, fuel for the fire, I said I felt a little damp since I had just shit myself - and proceeded to rip a pretty decent fart while I was standing right next to her.  She smiled, backed away from me and went back in the hotel.  My friend blew beer out of his nose.

The next night, again standing outside having a smoke, a family guy with two kids in tow asked me where the shuttle bus in front of the hotel was going.  "Titty bar."  Apparently guys in their forties with two kids get brainwashed in marriage and don't know what "titty bar" means.  "No, the shuttle, do you know where it's going?"  I put out my cigarette and walked inside.  He was a lost soul.  Meanwhile, my friend was once again shooting beer out of his nose.

When I usually go out I like to have a pitcher of beer in front of me.  That way, if my glass gets low, at least I know there's more beer right at hand and I don't have to wait for service.  But at Chula Vista, this was not an issue.  The service was phenomenal.  It seemed like I always had at least two beers in front of me (the Renter would order two and pass them over to me).  Seriously, I can't put into words how much fun the whole party had.

When I went back to work, uh, talk about depressing.  After having a Sunday, Monday, and half of Tuesday of all you can eat and drink (yes, I couldn't leave free beer on the table Tuesday morning), and then having to go back to work, it was like the dream was over.

This special goes on till the end of February.  I'll be checking for availability later today.

Pick Me Up At 9:00

9:00 became 10:00 and I walked home.  Thanks.

Joy Shaw

I know, you work for Turbo Tax, but you are the hottest over 50 CPA I've ever met (on Tv).  Please call me.

Birdman $5 Million Bet

I saw on Yahoo! that Bryan "Birdman aka Baby" Williams posted on his Twitter account that he wanted to wager $5 million on the Patriots to win (no mention of against the spread or the money line).  "Birdman" was listed on Forbes as having made $15 million last year.  For the record, my self imposed nickname of "Slap Dick," a combination of my humor and my affinity for playing with my penis, is much better than "Birdman aka Baby."  But my favorite comment listed below the article: Anyone else just suddenly become a Giants fan for no reason?

Classic.

3 Beers, 2 Nights

I've had three beers the last two nights.  Monday, after a full Sunday of NFL playoffs and a Gold Rush marathon, I didn't even feel like drinking.  Tuesday, just out of habit, I had three beers right after work.  Just with this small, small two day sample I've noticed two things.  The first wuld be the totally fucked up dreams I've had.  Ex girlfriends, ex girlfriends families, reliving meetings at work (and what I wanted to say at them, with no employment consequences), encounters with my family, extended family included that I haven't seen in years, you name it, my overactive brain cells have thought it (the ten or so cells that are left).  The second thing I've noticed, which contradicts the dreaming/sleeping frustrations, is that I'm wiped out by 7:00 pm.  You would think, after barely being able to keep my eyes open watching Marquette dismantle Central Florida, that going to sleep at 10:00 wouldn't be a problem.  I'm going to guess cutting out 2,000 calories would lead to the 7:00 lack of energy.

Isn't the average caloric intake for a man supposed to be 2,000?  I'm sure I eat that at the cafeteria at work every day and just double it for desert (beer) when I get home.

Ah yes, the glorious life that I have.

This blog used to be funny, no?  I mean like years, years back?

Gold Rush

With a Gold Rush marathon going on, I had to re-hookup the 22".  roped in to searching for gold, the New England game (which I have $20 on) takes a back seat.

Relationships

The "Goonies," Mikey and his older brother Brand, totally the Renter's and mine relationship.  I'd be Brand, or course, man of the house, and hopefully Mikey would be more like Michelle.

Explaination

I feel a little bad. Most of my posts this last year have come from my cell phone. Short posts, kind of like the Twitter of blogging. Twitter, I still don't know what that's all about.

I've fired up my laptop about six times in the last six months. So posting from my phone, full keyboard and all, the posts have been short, to the point.

Life on my end over here is ok. I've been doing nothing much, and much of nothing. More or less trying to keep friends that I have, certainly not making new friends. I mean, it's me, for God's sake. Unless there are willing and able/flexible ladies out there...

It's coming to that time to send the FA $5,000 for the Roth-I-can't-touch-till-I'm-old-IRA. But the thing is, I don't know if I'll get old. I turn 35 this year. I'd like to think, conservatively thinking, that this is the halfway point. Why sock away that much cash that you may or may not even use, or get to use without tax penalties, in the future? Not like I'd just blow $5,000, but to have it locked in for 25 years? 25 years. Wow. I've done it every other year in the past, but now I think I'm, I don't know, more conservative, or more drunk, one or the other, to put money away like that that I can't touch. More than likely more drunk, if that's even possible.

I think the Renter raped me today. Here's how it started...

A friend plowed out my driveway today. I felt obligated to have some beers, at his request, for plowing the snow. What started as a 10:00 outing lasted most of the afternoon. And multiple bars. And multiple beers.  The first bar wasn't open yet so we hit another.  Once 11:00 passed we went to the bar with the nice bathroom, good shitters and all.  After drinking there for free (we offered our other friend's snow shovelling services), we went to yet another bar, and another.  To top it off we went to the Mexican restaurant that the old corner bar manager recently opened.   I drunkenly said "Hi" to her kid, her hubby, ordered the steak tacos and made my way out.  I know them too well, too well to be that tipsy in their establishment.  I think their son looks up to me to a point, I don't know why, well, being sexy and well liked by everyone, but that's not the point.  Sexy, yes, but...

I got home.  The Renter was in the shower.  I went to go lay down in my bed, drunk, tired.  The Renter, she, she, took my pants off and straddled me.  She fondled my nether regions till it grew to it's full eleven inches.  I felt like I was back in sixth grade when Mr., I mean Mrs. Shroeder kept me after class, extra credit and all..  He, I mean she, said I was his, er her, best student.  Extra credit was good, back in the days.  Extra.  Credit.

But today, the Renter, the raper.  Looking back on it now, wasn't that bad.   A little too much work on my part, though.  I admit it, I was on top for a bit, but only by force. Somehow she forced me to put my eleven inch appendage in her multiple, multiple times, but Barney Stinsen like, she left afterwards, left better friends, better conversations (certainly not better sex, I mean rapeage).  I don't blame her.  Good for her.  The raper.  Unfortunately I didn't orgasm, no physical evidence. 

Scene of the crime.  A great 80's "Who Done It."

So this is what happens when i actually pull out the laptop and spend some time on this website.

And it's only ten, I lied.

Light and Fluffy

We had our work holiday party last night.  However, because we had about four inches of light and fluffy snow, the staff turnout was a little poor.  The city streets wound up being as messy as the last time I thought I was going to let a light and fluffy fart slip out.  Not pretty.

Six Bar Tacos

I haven't been going out much lately.  I used to go out every night to the bar that was 60 steps from my house but since it closed I've been staying home most nights.  I still get out on the weekends, but $.44 Milwaukee's Best Light are the norm now.  I think this whole American economy has another downturn coming.  If I'm not spending money, cheap as I am, who is?

Needless to say I went out on Tuesday night.  The bar I went to had $1.50 tacos, the whole Taco Tuesday thing.  They were busy so I just ordered two around 7:00.  They stopped serving at 10:00 and since it didn't look like anyone else was getting them I asked if they still had taco meat left and ordered four more.  I was trying to help out a small bar while filling my stomach.

I was late to work on Wednesday.  What I initially thought would end up spewing out my mouth came out my ass, with force.  Worse than the last time I had the flu.

After getting to work late I spent another 30 minutes on the shitter.  Thankfully after 10:00 my system leveled out and I felt better, but that lesson will live with me forever: do not get food from a bar that doesn't cook food seven days a week.

Intervention

I thought I was helping my Mom move.  I walked in and my whole family was there.

"We've come here to address yor drinking."

My sister was in town from where ever she's doing her sixth year of college.

My Dad was in from Florida, 22 hour drive.

"We have chosen this facility in Miami, they'll get you off the beer that you so, so love.  As a motivational tool, they tell us you'll get a pool side blowjob every day!"

Sign me up.

Actually, MLK Day, off from work, I felt a little bad drinking beer while watching "Intervention."

I told the Renter this.  She said I had a sexual addiction.  I said I had a lack of blowjobs addiction.  Whacking off before I lift weights is totally a muscle warmup.

Noise Nuisance

A car horn is not to be used as a door bell.

H & R Block Ad

Would you really go on TV if you fucked up your taxes by $8,000?  I wouldn't.

New Year's Resolution 2012

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to put more effort into lifting weights in the basement.  I've used this tender elbow as an excuse for the past six months but that has to stop.  I've finally figured out what I can and can't do as far as not making my elbow worse and now that I know this I should be ok.  The ultimate goal, unlike most people, is to actually gain weight, get back to 230 lbs so I can fill out my suits again.  Nothing worse than being in a meeting with an ill fitting suit.  Just ask Barney Stinsen.