Contagion

A co-worker let me borrow his Netfix DVD of "Contagion.". Good lord, life will never be the same.  With all the sick people at work and touching papers they've touched, I've gotten a little anal about washing my hands.  I was anal before, but now...

Wow.

Actually, funny story (I still have some!).  While watching the movie the Renter kept insisting that I start the movie over (it starts on day 2).  I, of course, resisted, all I did was hit play.  As any good movie would, they showed day 1 at the end of the movie (hence the suspense) and I was vindicated, but still.

I have a great work/conference phone story to tell, but I'll wait till I have another job, sorry.

Hands clapping to all the people who bet on the NY Giants.  Vegas can burn for all I care.

AM or PM?

I had another one.  7:30, dark outside, could have been morning or night.  Thankfully (or not) its night so there's still drinking time left.  Till 7:30 in the morning.

Chula Vista, Wisconsin Dells

Trying to put this into words will not do it justice.

The Renter and I took two friends to the Chula Vista resort in the Wisconsin Dells.  They had their winter/week day special going on: $100 a night for two people, all you can eat, all you can drink.  It ended up being $238 for two nights after they added on their insane hotel tax but still, $119/person for 48 hours of eating and drinking.  I think I got my money's worth six hours after check in.

The first night I had all you can eat steak with three or four green beans.  When you have all you can eat steak there really isn't a need for sides.  For breakfast the next morning I had bacon with a side of eggs.  After overindulging at the indoor water park I kind of missed lunch (travesty) but made up for it with an awesome crab leg and fish dinner.  Mind you, this whole time I was drinking, for free.  Free.

A couple of the highlights of the trip:

While standing outside having a smoke a rather older woman was standing next to me.  I politely asked how she was doing and she said she had just taken a shower and felt wet and damp.  Having eaten like a king, fuel for the fire, I said I felt a little damp since I had just shit myself - and proceeded to rip a pretty decent fart while I was standing right next to her.  She smiled, backed away from me and went back in the hotel.  My friend blew beer out of his nose.

The next night, again standing outside having a smoke, a family guy with two kids in tow asked me where the shuttle bus in front of the hotel was going.  "Titty bar."  Apparently guys in their forties with two kids get brainwashed in marriage and don't know what "titty bar" means.  "No, the shuttle, do you know where it's going?"  I put out my cigarette and walked inside.  He was a lost soul.  Meanwhile, my friend was once again shooting beer out of his nose.

When I usually go out I like to have a pitcher of beer in front of me.  That way, if my glass gets low, at least I know there's more beer right at hand and I don't have to wait for service.  But at Chula Vista, this was not an issue.  The service was phenomenal.  It seemed like I always had at least two beers in front of me (the Renter would order two and pass them over to me).  Seriously, I can't put into words how much fun the whole party had.

When I went back to work, uh, talk about depressing.  After having a Sunday, Monday, and half of Tuesday of all you can eat and drink (yes, I couldn't leave free beer on the table Tuesday morning), and then having to go back to work, it was like the dream was over.

This special goes on till the end of February.  I'll be checking for availability later today.

Pick Me Up At 9:00

9:00 became 10:00 and I walked home.  Thanks.

Joy Shaw

I know, you work for Turbo Tax, but you are the hottest over 50 CPA I've ever met (on Tv).  Please call me.

Birdman $5 Million Bet

I saw on Yahoo! that Bryan "Birdman aka Baby" Williams posted on his Twitter account that he wanted to wager $5 million on the Patriots to win (no mention of against the spread or the money line).  "Birdman" was listed on Forbes as having made $15 million last year.  For the record, my self imposed nickname of "Slap Dick," a combination of my humor and my affinity for playing with my penis, is much better than "Birdman aka Baby."  But my favorite comment listed below the article: Anyone else just suddenly become a Giants fan for no reason?

Classic.

3 Beers, 2 Nights

I've had three beers the last two nights.  Monday, after a full Sunday of NFL playoffs and a Gold Rush marathon, I didn't even feel like drinking.  Tuesday, just out of habit, I had three beers right after work.  Just with this small, small two day sample I've noticed two things.  The first wuld be the totally fucked up dreams I've had.  Ex girlfriends, ex girlfriends families, reliving meetings at work (and what I wanted to say at them, with no employment consequences), encounters with my family, extended family included that I haven't seen in years, you name it, my overactive brain cells have thought it (the ten or so cells that are left).  The second thing I've noticed, which contradicts the dreaming/sleeping frustrations, is that I'm wiped out by 7:00 pm.  You would think, after barely being able to keep my eyes open watching Marquette dismantle Central Florida, that going to sleep at 10:00 wouldn't be a problem.  I'm going to guess cutting out 2,000 calories would lead to the 7:00 lack of energy.

Isn't the average caloric intake for a man supposed to be 2,000?  I'm sure I eat that at the cafeteria at work every day and just double it for desert (beer) when I get home.

Ah yes, the glorious life that I have.

This blog used to be funny, no?  I mean like years, years back?

Gold Rush

With a Gold Rush marathon going on, I had to re-hookup the 22".  roped in to searching for gold, the New England game (which I have $20 on) takes a back seat.

Relationships

The "Goonies," Mikey and his older brother Brand, totally the Renter's and mine relationship.  I'd be Brand, or course, man of the house, and hopefully Mikey would be more like Michelle.

Explaination

I feel a little bad. Most of my posts this last year have come from my cell phone. Short posts, kind of like the Twitter of blogging. Twitter, I still don't know what that's all about.

I've fired up my laptop about six times in the last six months. So posting from my phone, full keyboard and all, the posts have been short, to the point.

Life on my end over here is ok. I've been doing nothing much, and much of nothing. More or less trying to keep friends that I have, certainly not making new friends. I mean, it's me, for God's sake. Unless there are willing and able/flexible ladies out there...

It's coming to that time to send the FA $5,000 for the Roth-I-can't-touch-till-I'm-old-IRA. But the thing is, I don't know if I'll get old. I turn 35 this year. I'd like to think, conservatively thinking, that this is the halfway point. Why sock away that much cash that you may or may not even use, or get to use without tax penalties, in the future? Not like I'd just blow $5,000, but to have it locked in for 25 years? 25 years. Wow. I've done it every other year in the past, but now I think I'm, I don't know, more conservative, or more drunk, one or the other, to put money away like that that I can't touch. More than likely more drunk, if that's even possible.

I think the Renter raped me today. Here's how it started...

A friend plowed out my driveway today. I felt obligated to have some beers, at his request, for plowing the snow. What started as a 10:00 outing lasted most of the afternoon. And multiple bars. And multiple beers.  The first bar wasn't open yet so we hit another.  Once 11:00 passed we went to the bar with the nice bathroom, good shitters and all.  After drinking there for free (we offered our other friend's snow shovelling services), we went to yet another bar, and another.  To top it off we went to the Mexican restaurant that the old corner bar manager recently opened.   I drunkenly said "Hi" to her kid, her hubby, ordered the steak tacos and made my way out.  I know them too well, too well to be that tipsy in their establishment.  I think their son looks up to me to a point, I don't know why, well, being sexy and well liked by everyone, but that's not the point.  Sexy, yes, but...

I got home.  The Renter was in the shower.  I went to go lay down in my bed, drunk, tired.  The Renter, she, she, took my pants off and straddled me.  She fondled my nether regions till it grew to it's full eleven inches.  I felt like I was back in sixth grade when Mr., I mean Mrs. Shroeder kept me after class, extra credit and all..  He, I mean she, said I was his, er her, best student.  Extra credit was good, back in the days.  Extra.  Credit.

But today, the Renter, the raper.  Looking back on it now, wasn't that bad.   A little too much work on my part, though.  I admit it, I was on top for a bit, but only by force. Somehow she forced me to put my eleven inch appendage in her multiple, multiple times, but Barney Stinsen like, she left afterwards, left better friends, better conversations (certainly not better sex, I mean rapeage).  I don't blame her.  Good for her.  The raper.  Unfortunately I didn't orgasm, no physical evidence. 

Scene of the crime.  A great 80's "Who Done It."

So this is what happens when i actually pull out the laptop and spend some time on this website.

And it's only ten, I lied.

Light and Fluffy

We had our work holiday party last night.  However, because we had about four inches of light and fluffy snow, the staff turnout was a little poor.  The city streets wound up being as messy as the last time I thought I was going to let a light and fluffy fart slip out.  Not pretty.

Six Bar Tacos

I haven't been going out much lately.  I used to go out every night to the bar that was 60 steps from my house but since it closed I've been staying home most nights.  I still get out on the weekends, but $.44 Milwaukee's Best Light are the norm now.  I think this whole American economy has another downturn coming.  If I'm not spending money, cheap as I am, who is?

Needless to say I went out on Tuesday night.  The bar I went to had $1.50 tacos, the whole Taco Tuesday thing.  They were busy so I just ordered two around 7:00.  They stopped serving at 10:00 and since it didn't look like anyone else was getting them I asked if they still had taco meat left and ordered four more.  I was trying to help out a small bar while filling my stomach.

I was late to work on Wednesday.  What I initially thought would end up spewing out my mouth came out my ass, with force.  Worse than the last time I had the flu.

After getting to work late I spent another 30 minutes on the shitter.  Thankfully after 10:00 my system leveled out and I felt better, but that lesson will live with me forever: do not get food from a bar that doesn't cook food seven days a week.

Intervention

I thought I was helping my Mom move.  I walked in and my whole family was there.

"We've come here to address yor drinking."

My sister was in town from where ever she's doing her sixth year of college.

My Dad was in from Florida, 22 hour drive.

"We have chosen this facility in Miami, they'll get you off the beer that you so, so love.  As a motivational tool, they tell us you'll get a pool side blowjob every day!"

Sign me up.

Actually, MLK Day, off from work, I felt a little bad drinking beer while watching "Intervention."

I told the Renter this.  She said I had a sexual addiction.  I said I had a lack of blowjobs addiction.  Whacking off before I lift weights is totally a muscle warmup.

Noise Nuisance

A car horn is not to be used as a door bell.

H & R Block Ad

Would you really go on TV if you fucked up your taxes by $8,000?  I wouldn't.

New Year's Resolution 2012

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to put more effort into lifting weights in the basement.  I've used this tender elbow as an excuse for the past six months but that has to stop.  I've finally figured out what I can and can't do as far as not making my elbow worse and now that I know this I should be ok.  The ultimate goal, unlike most people, is to actually gain weight, get back to 230 lbs so I can fill out my suits again.  Nothing worse than being in a meeting with an ill fitting suit.  Just ask Barney Stinsen.

11 Days Off

I have 11 days off for the hollidays.  I'll probably end up going in one day just to keep my agency running, but that's why they pay me the big bucks (1% raises the last four years).  But, on my first day off, I celebrated watching the Dan Patrick show at 8:00 am with a bottle of Fat Tire.  The start of a great vacation.

8:30pm, Sunday Night

Either I pissed off all my peeps or they're all drunk and in bed

 50/50 on that.

The Most Endearing Compliment

The Renter:  I don't know what it is, but when he's on vacation mode he goes hardcore from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm.  It's like he flips a switch and drinks all day and he's able to hang like a champ.

We have a little getaway planned to the Wisconsin Dells.  There's a resort that offers two nights for two people for $100 a night.  Oh, and all the food and booze is included.  I intend to take full advantage of their offer.  I wouldn't be surprised if they ask me to never come back.

48 hr Flu

On Monday I had a couple pichers after work.  No big deal, nothing to get me woozy or anything.  After I got home I had another four beers andwent to bed at 9:30.

1:30 am I felt a controversy brewing in my stomach that I hadn't felt in years.  I got up and hugged the toilet that I have rectolly defiled many times but cleaned much fewer.  I hurled what few contents I had in my stomach with gutwrenching force.

Even worse at 3:30 with even fewer contents left to dispose.

I managed to stay home from work on Tuesday to recouperate, getting up every hour to flush my bowels.

I made it to work on Wednesday and didn't even have to use the spare pants/underware that I brought.  I was pooped by the end of the day, but I hadn't soiled my shorts.

I finally got hungry Wednesday night and went to the gas station for a pre-packaged hame sandwich.  Very over priced put I don't have food in my house.

That night was almost worse than the puking night.  I tossed and turned all night, looking at the clock every 15 minutes.  I don't know if I actually slept enough to have dreams but I had images of watching the running of the bulls and the Rose Bowl from a pool at Penn State with two women playing with my penis (I know, shrinkage!).  In the morning I dug through the garbage and read all the preservatives that were in that sandwich.  I got no sleep at all, but...

If that stupid sandwich gave me those dreams I might be up for a second round.