Intervention

I thought I was helping my Mom move.  I walked in and my whole family was there.

"We've come here to address yor drinking."

My sister was in town from where ever she's doing her sixth year of college.

My Dad was in from Florida, 22 hour drive.

"We have chosen this facility in Miami, they'll get you off the beer that you so, so love.  As a motivational tool, they tell us you'll get a pool side blowjob every day!"

Sign me up.

Actually, MLK Day, off from work, I felt a little bad drinking beer while watching "Intervention."

I told the Renter this.  She said I had a sexual addiction.  I said I had a lack of blowjobs addiction.  Whacking off before I lift weights is totally a muscle warmup.

Noise Nuisance

A car horn is not to be used as a door bell.

H & R Block Ad

Would you really go on TV if you fucked up your taxes by $8,000?  I wouldn't.

New Year's Resolution 2012

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to put more effort into lifting weights in the basement.  I've used this tender elbow as an excuse for the past six months but that has to stop.  I've finally figured out what I can and can't do as far as not making my elbow worse and now that I know this I should be ok.  The ultimate goal, unlike most people, is to actually gain weight, get back to 230 lbs so I can fill out my suits again.  Nothing worse than being in a meeting with an ill fitting suit.  Just ask Barney Stinsen.

11 Days Off

I have 11 days off for the hollidays.  I'll probably end up going in one day just to keep my agency running, but that's why they pay me the big bucks (1% raises the last four years).  But, on my first day off, I celebrated watching the Dan Patrick show at 8:00 am with a bottle of Fat Tire.  The start of a great vacation.

8:30pm, Sunday Night

Either I pissed off all my peeps or they're all drunk and in bed

 50/50 on that.

The Most Endearing Compliment

The Renter:  I don't know what it is, but when he's on vacation mode he goes hardcore from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm.  It's like he flips a switch and drinks all day and he's able to hang like a champ.

We have a little getaway planned to the Wisconsin Dells.  There's a resort that offers two nights for two people for $100 a night.  Oh, and all the food and booze is included.  I intend to take full advantage of their offer.  I wouldn't be surprised if they ask me to never come back.

48 hr Flu

On Monday I had a couple pichers after work.  No big deal, nothing to get me woozy or anything.  After I got home I had another four beers andwent to bed at 9:30.

1:30 am I felt a controversy brewing in my stomach that I hadn't felt in years.  I got up and hugged the toilet that I have rectolly defiled many times but cleaned much fewer.  I hurled what few contents I had in my stomach with gutwrenching force.

Even worse at 3:30 with even fewer contents left to dispose.

I managed to stay home from work on Tuesday to recouperate, getting up every hour to flush my bowels.

I made it to work on Wednesday and didn't even have to use the spare pants/underware that I brought.  I was pooped by the end of the day, but I hadn't soiled my shorts.

I finally got hungry Wednesday night and went to the gas station for a pre-packaged hame sandwich.  Very over priced put I don't have food in my house.

That night was almost worse than the puking night.  I tossed and turned all night, looking at the clock every 15 minutes.  I don't know if I actually slept enough to have dreams but I had images of watching the running of the bulls and the Rose Bowl from a pool at Penn State with two women playing with my penis (I know, shrinkage!).  In the morning I dug through the garbage and read all the preservatives that were in that sandwich.  I got no sleep at all, but...

If that stupid sandwich gave me those dreams I might be up for a second round.

Breakfast of Champions

This was my breakfast today.  Hit the spot pretty well.  But mind you, I'm kind of lactose intolerant.  Didn't think I'd make it back from City Hall this afternoon without shitting myself.

Four Day Weekend

Wow.  You go from drinking twelve hours a day to being resposible for eight.  Tough transition.  For normal people, this wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not normal.

Black Friday

Part of me wants to stay up and see what the Renter bought on Black Friday, but 95% of me wants to go to bed.

Subway, Eat Fresh

It started at 11:00.  The bar offered free beer for an hour before the Packer game.  I had my fair share.  I mean, free beer.  Free beer.

Fast forward four, five, or six hours.  No, wait, I don't remember those.  But the Packers won!

Monday, I got the text.  "You owe me dinner!"  My friend said we stopped at Subway.  I ordered my sub and walked out leaving him to pay.  I ate the whole footlong on the one mile trip home.  "I've never seen anyone eat so fast!"

I have no recollection of this.  It could have happened, or my friend might just be trying to get $5 off me.  Either scenario is viable.

But if true, I think that's a pretty darn good indicator that one drinks too much.

Sleeping Quarters

I have, what some ladies have told me, a mild case of a sleeping disorder. It's one of those things where you stop breathing for a bit - or up to a minute as I have been reported to do. So, while under this nasal congestion ordeal that I'm going through, I've been a bit concerned about, well, waking up. Monday night I "slept" with my head upright against the wall. Numerous times I woke up to a close-to-90°, ear on shoulder neck whip; a rather painfull way to wake up. So tonight I arranged my pillows in the corner of my room to cradle my mellon. I'm not hoping to sleep like a baby, just sleep and wake up Thursday morning. Wish me some sweet zzz's (just not too many!).

(That pink blanket is for the puppy, I swear!)

Popping Pills

I usually don't like taking pills. I might take eight Advils a year, just for headaches. But Monday, man, I came down with something that completely blocked my head up. My right nostrile was completely closed.

I had to run to City Hall today for work so I decided to stop at Walgreen's on my way there. Years ago I would always get the name Tylenol Cold/Flu stuff and it would clear me right up. I didn't mind paying extra for the name brand.

I couldn't find it today. Everything had the Walgreen's brand on it. So I got the congestion relieving gel caps and continued on.

Like a junkie I fought with the packaging at City Hall, right in front of the bubbler, much to the amusement of passerbyes. Nothing like fumbling with pills in a busy hallway.

But wouldn't you know it, by the time I got back to the office I could breathe! It was awesome! Three and a half hours later I was a mess. I had gone through 40 sheets of paper towels, my nose was running like a drippy faucet and there was no end in sight. It was ugly. The stacks of paper on my desk took the worst of it (besides my nose).

I looked closer at the back of the box. "Promotes sinus draining." Had they put that on the front of the box, in a font that was easily readable, I never would have bought the shit.

Worst Joke Ever

A little prelude to this story.

The last seven years of my professional life I've worked with an anti-drug enforcement agency. Seven years, a long time.

I am the accountant/HR bitch. Typically not the position that humorous people hold. I try my best to keep the office light-hearted, passing all my bad humor to my co-workers in hope that they laugh. Mind you, I'm still an accountant, little to no humor in the accounting profession.

I'm trying to break the mold.

We had a meeting this week with some graduate students who offered to help the agency and complete thier grad school thesis. As the meeting was wrapping up, someone asked how they found my agency.

Grad Student: We found your website. I'm totally into the whole drug cartel thing.

Me (after a 5 second uncomfortable pause, someone had to say something): So, are you pro or con on the whole drug cartel thing?

Obviously a sarcastic question. Right?

Grad Student: Actually, a year ago my husband and his brother were kidnapped by a cartel and left for dead in the mountains. They managed to escape and came out of it alive.


Uh.

I could feel my ears burning as my attempt at humor went down faster than (insert penis erection failing story here).

Only way it could have been worse is if her husband died.

No more jokes from this guy (Jon Gruden reference).

But seriously, pro or con for drug cartels? Not a good start for any kind of joke.

36-34 Or...

I like to buy clothes online. When Kohl's gives me a 30% coupon in the mail I go on their website and buy pats and shirts, of course, without trying them on.

I've worn the same two pairs of pants to work for the past two months. Tan on Mon/Wed, blue on Tues/Thurs, complimented with jeans on Friday. That is, until the tan pants lost both buttons. Only the zipper held them up.

Faced with this predicament pulled out a new pair of tan pants on Monday. They were a little tight in the waist but had the 36-34 lable stiched on. Most of my pants have the flex waist feature so I figured I could work through it.

Not these pants.

They were tighter than shit. I had to hitch my belt to the tightest option so it wasn't sagging on my waist. Pained me all day long but I still hung to my new concept of 1st/2nd (11:30/1:30) lunch. I felt bloated all day.

Tuesday I had a suit and tie meeting in the morning. I don't like wearing that stuff all day so I brought clothes to change in to after the meeting; tan pants and golf shirt. Needless to say they were the same tight ass pants that I wore on Monday. I had to deal with the same shit for yet another day.

Those pants are currently in the garbage, not dealing with that again.

What Is This Face Telling Me?

Fall Leaves

So I'm sitting here, watching the Badgers demolish the Boiler Makers, and I see my neighbor's dad raking leaves.

Me: Weren't you doing this last weekend? We still have leaves on the trees!

Neighbor's Dad: I knew you were going to come out and say something, especially after last week's comments. You were drunker last weekend, is there something wrong?

God my neighbors know me too well. But I'm glad they care.

Facebook

I lasted three days on Facebook. I only signed up to get 2,500 credits on Contract Killer, but in the end I guess I ended up referencing a turd pic the FA sent me, which also went out to his 115 "Freiends" on Facebook. Again, I'm not really sure how Facebook works but I'm out of the game. I don't need to follow anything but Yahoo! Finance.

What I Ate On Monday

8:30 Cottage cheese
8:30 Beef stick
10:30 Chicken breast
11:00 Fun size Snickers bar
11:30 2 12oz bowls of veggie soup
1:15 2 12oz bowls of veggie soup
2:30 3 fun size Snickers bars
4:45 Chicken breast
9:00 Large supreme pan style Pizza Hut pizza

After looking over all that, hard to believe as it is, I think I spent more on food than I did on $5.50 pitchers (4) last night.