The Most Endearing Compliment

The Renter:  I don't know what it is, but when he's on vacation mode he goes hardcore from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm.  It's like he flips a switch and drinks all day and he's able to hang like a champ.

We have a little getaway planned to the Wisconsin Dells.  There's a resort that offers two nights for two people for $100 a night.  Oh, and all the food and booze is included.  I intend to take full advantage of their offer.  I wouldn't be surprised if they ask me to never come back.

48 hr Flu

On Monday I had a couple pichers after work.  No big deal, nothing to get me woozy or anything.  After I got home I had another four beers andwent to bed at 9:30.

1:30 am I felt a controversy brewing in my stomach that I hadn't felt in years.  I got up and hugged the toilet that I have rectolly defiled many times but cleaned much fewer.  I hurled what few contents I had in my stomach with gutwrenching force.

Even worse at 3:30 with even fewer contents left to dispose.

I managed to stay home from work on Tuesday to recouperate, getting up every hour to flush my bowels.

I made it to work on Wednesday and didn't even have to use the spare pants/underware that I brought.  I was pooped by the end of the day, but I hadn't soiled my shorts.

I finally got hungry Wednesday night and went to the gas station for a pre-packaged hame sandwich.  Very over priced put I don't have food in my house.

That night was almost worse than the puking night.  I tossed and turned all night, looking at the clock every 15 minutes.  I don't know if I actually slept enough to have dreams but I had images of watching the running of the bulls and the Rose Bowl from a pool at Penn State with two women playing with my penis (I know, shrinkage!).  In the morning I dug through the garbage and read all the preservatives that were in that sandwich.  I got no sleep at all, but...

If that stupid sandwich gave me those dreams I might be up for a second round.

Breakfast of Champions

This was my breakfast today.  Hit the spot pretty well.  But mind you, I'm kind of lactose intolerant.  Didn't think I'd make it back from City Hall this afternoon without shitting myself.

Four Day Weekend

Wow.  You go from drinking twelve hours a day to being resposible for eight.  Tough transition.  For normal people, this wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not normal.

Black Friday

Part of me wants to stay up and see what the Renter bought on Black Friday, but 95% of me wants to go to bed.

Subway, Eat Fresh

It started at 11:00.  The bar offered free beer for an hour before the Packer game.  I had my fair share.  I mean, free beer.  Free beer.

Fast forward four, five, or six hours.  No, wait, I don't remember those.  But the Packers won!

Monday, I got the text.  "You owe me dinner!"  My friend said we stopped at Subway.  I ordered my sub and walked out leaving him to pay.  I ate the whole footlong on the one mile trip home.  "I've never seen anyone eat so fast!"

I have no recollection of this.  It could have happened, or my friend might just be trying to get $5 off me.  Either scenario is viable.

But if true, I think that's a pretty darn good indicator that one drinks too much.

Sleeping Quarters

I have, what some ladies have told me, a mild case of a sleeping disorder. It's one of those things where you stop breathing for a bit - or up to a minute as I have been reported to do. So, while under this nasal congestion ordeal that I'm going through, I've been a bit concerned about, well, waking up. Monday night I "slept" with my head upright against the wall. Numerous times I woke up to a close-to-90°, ear on shoulder neck whip; a rather painfull way to wake up. So tonight I arranged my pillows in the corner of my room to cradle my mellon. I'm not hoping to sleep like a baby, just sleep and wake up Thursday morning. Wish me some sweet zzz's (just not too many!).

(That pink blanket is for the puppy, I swear!)

Popping Pills

I usually don't like taking pills. I might take eight Advils a year, just for headaches. But Monday, man, I came down with something that completely blocked my head up. My right nostrile was completely closed.

I had to run to City Hall today for work so I decided to stop at Walgreen's on my way there. Years ago I would always get the name Tylenol Cold/Flu stuff and it would clear me right up. I didn't mind paying extra for the name brand.

I couldn't find it today. Everything had the Walgreen's brand on it. So I got the congestion relieving gel caps and continued on.

Like a junkie I fought with the packaging at City Hall, right in front of the bubbler, much to the amusement of passerbyes. Nothing like fumbling with pills in a busy hallway.

But wouldn't you know it, by the time I got back to the office I could breathe! It was awesome! Three and a half hours later I was a mess. I had gone through 40 sheets of paper towels, my nose was running like a drippy faucet and there was no end in sight. It was ugly. The stacks of paper on my desk took the worst of it (besides my nose).

I looked closer at the back of the box. "Promotes sinus draining." Had they put that on the front of the box, in a font that was easily readable, I never would have bought the shit.

Worst Joke Ever

A little prelude to this story.

The last seven years of my professional life I've worked with an anti-drug enforcement agency. Seven years, a long time.

I am the accountant/HR bitch. Typically not the position that humorous people hold. I try my best to keep the office light-hearted, passing all my bad humor to my co-workers in hope that they laugh. Mind you, I'm still an accountant, little to no humor in the accounting profession.

I'm trying to break the mold.

We had a meeting this week with some graduate students who offered to help the agency and complete thier grad school thesis. As the meeting was wrapping up, someone asked how they found my agency.

Grad Student: We found your website. I'm totally into the whole drug cartel thing.

Me (after a 5 second uncomfortable pause, someone had to say something): So, are you pro or con on the whole drug cartel thing?

Obviously a sarcastic question. Right?

Grad Student: Actually, a year ago my husband and his brother were kidnapped by a cartel and left for dead in the mountains. They managed to escape and came out of it alive.


Uh.

I could feel my ears burning as my attempt at humor went down faster than (insert penis erection failing story here).

Only way it could have been worse is if her husband died.

No more jokes from this guy (Jon Gruden reference).

But seriously, pro or con for drug cartels? Not a good start for any kind of joke.

36-34 Or...

I like to buy clothes online. When Kohl's gives me a 30% coupon in the mail I go on their website and buy pats and shirts, of course, without trying them on.

I've worn the same two pairs of pants to work for the past two months. Tan on Mon/Wed, blue on Tues/Thurs, complimented with jeans on Friday. That is, until the tan pants lost both buttons. Only the zipper held them up.

Faced with this predicament pulled out a new pair of tan pants on Monday. They were a little tight in the waist but had the 36-34 lable stiched on. Most of my pants have the flex waist feature so I figured I could work through it.

Not these pants.

They were tighter than shit. I had to hitch my belt to the tightest option so it wasn't sagging on my waist. Pained me all day long but I still hung to my new concept of 1st/2nd (11:30/1:30) lunch. I felt bloated all day.

Tuesday I had a suit and tie meeting in the morning. I don't like wearing that stuff all day so I brought clothes to change in to after the meeting; tan pants and golf shirt. Needless to say they were the same tight ass pants that I wore on Monday. I had to deal with the same shit for yet another day.

Those pants are currently in the garbage, not dealing with that again.

What Is This Face Telling Me?

Fall Leaves

So I'm sitting here, watching the Badgers demolish the Boiler Makers, and I see my neighbor's dad raking leaves.

Me: Weren't you doing this last weekend? We still have leaves on the trees!

Neighbor's Dad: I knew you were going to come out and say something, especially after last week's comments. You were drunker last weekend, is there something wrong?

God my neighbors know me too well. But I'm glad they care.

Facebook

I lasted three days on Facebook. I only signed up to get 2,500 credits on Contract Killer, but in the end I guess I ended up referencing a turd pic the FA sent me, which also went out to his 115 "Freiends" on Facebook. Again, I'm not really sure how Facebook works but I'm out of the game. I don't need to follow anything but Yahoo! Finance.

What I Ate On Monday

8:30 Cottage cheese
8:30 Beef stick
10:30 Chicken breast
11:00 Fun size Snickers bar
11:30 2 12oz bowls of veggie soup
1:15 2 12oz bowls of veggie soup
2:30 3 fun size Snickers bars
4:45 Chicken breast
9:00 Large supreme pan style Pizza Hut pizza

After looking over all that, hard to believe as it is, I think I spent more on food than I did on $5.50 pitchers (4) last night.

Off The Hook

I woke up this morning not knowing what the plans were. I knew there was a Halloween party tonight but I realy didn't want to go, having to get dressed up and all. I would rather put a suit and tie on than dress up for Halloween. I wasn't sure if I was committed to going.

I worked out in the bsement. I opened a beer.

Renter: I can't believe you're making me go to this party alone.

Thank you, Jesus. I had figured I had agreed, after 20 beers on Friday, to go to the party. I tend to agree to things I wouldn't usually do after I've been drinking (still regret turning down that three-some, the other dude was hot!). So, being off the hook for this party, and not having to tell the Renter that I didn't want to go after possibly saying I would, ah, golden. I get to stay home and watch the Badgers take care of Michigan State.

Elbow Issues, Last Post

After laying off most back exercises (especially those using body weight or the 90 lb dumbbells), the elbow has gotten significantly better. While I can still bench 275 without pain, any pulling exercises have been limited to 25 lb dumbbells for multiple, multiple reps. While quite depressing, if it makes my elbow flaring go down I'm all for it. I now blame this on msn.com, which had a "big biceps" post that said after doing pullups, you should hang from the bar for added effect. And a stressed tendon, which they failed to mention. Assholes at msn.com.

Diamondbacks/Brewers Game 5

The Brewers and Diamondbacks, playing the game 5 final, you'd think it would be a pretty important game. Game 5, best of 3, and they schedule it for 4:00.

When most people work till 5:00.

I don't understand it. I guess, on the plus side, I won't have to deal with traffic on the way home, but still, not cool.

You Might Have A Problem If...

You have a cooler full of beer in front of you when the fridge is eight feet away.

Go Brewers!

Engine Oil, Any Thoughts?

I like to change the oil in the Jeep Wrangler every six months. I've heard from car people that six months between changes is a bit much, especially with the harsh Wisconsin winters. But the thing is, I think I've put on 1,000 miles since this spring. An oil change might cost me $20 but is it worth it? Keep in mind that this Jeep should last me another 20 years (putting it at 30 total). Commenter's thoughts appreciated.

Fart/Office Visitor

We have a new guy in the office, been here a little over a month now. For some reason he and I get along really well, almost too well. We are 15 years apart but you'd think it was more like five. (I think I'll stop at that before this starts to sound like a love fest.)

Anyway, one day I ordered the chicken nuggets from the cafeteria. The new guy likes to eat healthy stuff and hasonly eaten at the cafeteria once. So I showed him my nuggets (!) and he jokingly mentioned that I should save him one. Not wanting to disappoint him, guess what was sitting on his desk when he got in the next morning? Guess what was in my office the morning after that? So we have this "pass the nugget" thing going on. Apparently it's in my office now but I haven't been able to find it yet.

Last night I had a box and a half of mac and cheese. My body doesn't handle cheese well, even if it's fake cheese, especially when it's covering a pound and a half of macaroni. I was experiencing (and self regulating) some serious gas this morning in my office when the new guy stuck his head in the door, sniffing. "It smells like five day old chicken nugget in here!", referencing our ongoing game. But then his face changed. I didn't have to tell him it wasn't a chicken nugget smell that he was forcibly feeding his nose.