Beer, Flushes

I went to get beer today and this is what I came home to.

Seriously.

This was after three flushes. I thought my shits were spectacular, but this takes the cake.

At the store, buying said beer, eight 30-packs (because that's all my Jeep will hold)...

Cashier: Thirsty?
Me: Just buying in bulk, saving on gas.
Me, thinking: I'm an alcoholic, what the fuck do you care? Want to go out tonight? Or come over to my house since I have all this beer? And get naked? My penis my or may not be operational, you know, being a Saturday and all.

Guy behind me in line: Are you expecting the apocalypse?
Me: No, this is actually a small purchase.
Me, thinking: I usually call ahead of time and they wheel out 30 30-packs for me. Don't give me shit because you have to go back home to your wife and kids, Mr. I have Pampers and tampons in my cart. Asshole.

And now I'm stuck watching HGTV bathroom projects when my bathroom might be 20 square feet (basically enough room for shitting).

Beast Mode

I'd show you Beast Mode but my face was in there, but congats to the Brewers on making the playoffs.

Free Hug Day!

I was walking to City Hall today when I saw a group of girls all dressed in black. I figured there might be some goth convention going on downtown and stayed on the right hand side of the sidewalk. I couldn’t help but sneak peeks at them, trying to not draw their attention. The first three were pretty good looking, one with a shoulder-less shirt on. They passed by me but there was one more to go, a total Sasquatch. Before I got passed her she stopped, and with her arms held out asked, “Would you like a free hug?” First off I’m thinking whoa, I’m standing here looking eye-to-eye with this girl and I don’t think I could possibly wrap my arms all the way around her. But I figured hey, if I don’t give her a hug she might feel let down, so I put on a smile and gladly accepted her offer. As I got in close she put her arms around my shoulders and squeezed. My arms were under hers and somehow (?) found her ass. She whispered, “That’s the best hug I’ve had all day,” without letting go. I turned towards her ear, smelling her hair a bit too deeply to be comfortable, and whispered back, “Well, it is hump day after all.” She slowly pulled away, just far enough to where my hands were on her hips and our faces were inches apart. She nodded to the next building, “You know, I have a room at the Hilton. Can I take you up on that offer?” Sadly, she was 6’4” and 200 lbs, and even worse, I was on company time (not that that has stopped me before in lessor/non-career jobs - also back in the day that I still had a functional penis). “I can’t, I have to go back to work. Could we settle on a ki…” Before I could even finish my sentence she grabbed my head with both hands and planted her lips squarely on mine. In no time it turned into a full-blown make out session. Her friends were cheering her on, people walking on the street were looking at us awkwardly as they had to walk around 400+ lbs of public affection. Eventually I managed to pull away and thanked her as she excitedly waved goodbye.

But could you imagine if I wasn’t on work time? I probably could have gotten one of her friends to join us in some hot, steamy, mid-afternoon three-way action! Mid-afternoon sex is always great, feels a little naughty like you should be doing something productive, wouldn’t you agree? And a three-way? I think, maybe, yeah maybe that would be a first for me.

And could you imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t been a pussy and kindly declined her offer of a hug (which is what really happened)? I swear, God, I appreciate you throwing me a bone every once in a while, but I think Your selection and timing are just a bit off.

[Apparently the Paul Mitchell Academy was at the Grand Avenue Mall today and their students were giving out free hugs. When I got back to the office I quickly looked it up and found video clips of rather stunning women giving hugs on the streets of downtown Milwaukee. And I get a Sasquatch (shaking my fist at the sky).]

First Real Sunday of Football

The Green Bay Packers had their first 12:00 game this past Sunday. In my mind, any other start time is anti-football religion. Getting to a bar at 11:00, watching the game, and getting home around 6:00 with a possible night ending level of intoxication, well, I can't say enough about how muc I enjoy that.

Last weekend we changed it up a bit, going out for the Badgers game (who gets ESPN 3?) on Saturday for beers while the ladies went shopping and stayed at my house on Sunday for the NFL action. It all started around noon on Sunday with the Packers falling down 0-13 in the first. They managed to turn that around for their second win of the season, thank goodness. Oh, and the Renter made some mad steak fa-gina's as we call them over here.

I personally managed to get a little positive action (thank you Packers lack of defense/ability to score, and how could I go against Tom Brady?), and turned a number of beers upside down. I think I polished off 27, but the over/under on that is still to be determined. The truth might never come out, thanks to not one but two conspiracy theories.

I paid for it on Monday. I had a friend's grandmother's funeral to attend Monday morning. I'm not sure if it was the funeral or the beer but I was noticebly sweating for no other reason. I could have just sent flowers but like I told my friend, attending was cheaper. And more personable, that's the main point, right?

After that I don't think I peed all day. I was in a funk all day/night, opting to lie in bed after work instead of lifting weights. I couldn't even crack open a beer during Monday Night Football. I stuck with water and my banky, curled up on the recliner with the puppy.

Unfortunately, I think this Monday night ritual might continue as I'm getting older. Guess you have to take a night off the sauce every once in a while, right?

If you're a pussy, that is!

Fuck, if my life is comingto this...

7:30 am, Saturday

So, I know it's rather early yet, and I have coffee brewing in the kitchen, but I just noticed that I still have 10 beers in the cooler from last night, covered in ice even. That coffee better finish soon...

Tennis Elbow Diagnosis

I think I've finally figured out why my left elbow has been sore for the past month. Hand with me here while I give you the ins and outs.

Over the weekend I started to put a pillow under my arm to protect it from the metal chairs on the deck. I figured the many, many hours that I spend outside watching TV and drinking, sitting in the same chair with metal armrests was irritating a nerve or tendon in my elbow. After a weekend of this "treatment" it started to feel better. I even had the Renter perform some secret Asian message techniques that also seemed to help.

But then, after lifting weights on Monday, it hurt just the same as the previous week. My workout on Monday was just bench press, incline pushups and situps so I didn't really do anything to agrivate it. At that point I started thinking about making a doctor appointment.

Tuesday I went downstairs to lift weights with a little trepidation. It was back and biceps day which really puts stress on the elbow. I started with the normal pre-workout routine - that being playing with my penis while watching porn on my phone to get the blood pumping a bit. This would be totally wrong if I worked out at a club, but in the privacy of my basement, I don't see anything wrong with it.

I've been doing the whole self pleasuring thing pretty much every day since the summer of sixth grade. I'm surprised the little guy hasn't gotten fed up with me and gone on strike by now. Lately it's been four times a week before I lift weights. But, in the past 21 years, I've developed "my" perfect position. I tend to prop one hand on a stationary object, stand on my tippy toes and go to town with the right hand, praying that I'm able to keep my balance for the 2-3 minutes of glory. This has served me very well through the years, except for that one incident with my one friend's sink that detached from his bathroom wall, but I managed to put it back together in some working form or another.

Tuesday I went downstairs like normal. I dropped my drawers, turned on my phone, put my left hand on the clothes washer and went to town. At the peak of raising my heart rate, teetering on my tippy toes and left hand, I felt the pleasure (ahhhh!) and then an intense pain in my elbow. Appearantly my pre-workout routine has been the cause of my elbow pain. Who would have thought?

After figuring this out, I sat downstairs and thought, "Now what?" Having kept this schedule for the past year I knew exactly what I had to do first: hang a sign on the washer reminding myself to not masturbate on the washer, otherwise I'd be down there tomorrow doing the exact same thing. But if I don't use the washer as leverage, what do I use? Do I have to devise a new positon when this one has worked sooooo well for me for the past number of years? Seriously, I do accounting, 98% of what I do is repetitive and change is frowned upon. I live my life the same way. I sweat when something new comes up (meeting new people, public speaking on the rare occasions it happens, auditors), and don't handle change well. And now, something that I've grown to love and cherish has been taken away from me?

I guess at least I figured it out. Next on the list is figuring out why both my eyelashes are burned to the point they're curled up on the ends.

Rough Sunday

It's been a rough Sunday of NFL games, along with a Brewers win, and Puppy's out. And it's not over yet, we're still hoping for a high scoring game in the late game, if you get my drift. Or at least I'm hoping for a high scoring game, don't really care who wins. Kind of weird not having the Packers playing but I'll take the Thursday win non the less.

9/11, I remember very well, many miles away.

Trip (And Fall) To The Casino

Last week Thursday four of us hopped into the Renter's car and made a trip to Potowatomi for some food and games. We ate first at Rui, fine Asian food as always.

I sat down at a table and left up $300. Sat down at another table and picked up another $150. Then we sat at Bar 360 for a bit before I snuck out to another table where I lost $200. I went back to the bar and started booty dancing with my friend's wife, as good (bad) as booty dancing can get for a 6'5" wite guy. And then I biffed it.

I woke up in the morning with a huge bruise on my side. I had no idea where I got it from. I guess, while trying to dance, I fell over and hit the corner of a table. I was told I bounced back up saying I was ok and we headed for the exit but again, that'swhat I was told.

A week later I still have the bruise. I can see how everyone at the bar stood up to look at me lying on the ground. Thank goodness we made a quick gettaway.

Man Child

I have my friend over. The Renter bought him a backpack in one of those back-to-school sales. Now he thinks he can pack it with clothes and spend the weekend. Every weekend. It's not that bad when it's nice out but when it's rainy, as in today, I'm stuck trying to put up with him in my living room. I don't have a big house, maybe 950 sq ft, three bedrooms with one converted to a shoe room. And now, 5:00 pm on a Saturday, he's drunk and sleeping on my $2,500 couch downstairs. I'm starving and want to go out for food but I'm not sure if I can take him out in public. This coming from the guy with a multi-colored bruise on his hip from biffing it at the casino (bruise with $200 extra cash in my pocket = ok with me).

The Renter told him he can't hang with me as far as drinking wise. "The Big Dog" was mentioned. I don't know if that was a compliment or not.

Neighbor(s) Movement

Walking the puppy this morning I noticed both of the neighbor's cars are gone. Not only both of his but the three other cars of the house crashers are also gone. The weird thing is its a nice day and he normally rides his motorcycle to work. Being September 1st, could my greatest dream have come true and my pot smoking/can't afford the rent so let's have eight people live in a two bedroom house neighbors moved out?

Weekend Escape To Michigan

This last weekend the Renter and I got out of Milwaukee and hit the road for Gobles, Michigan. That's about a 240 mile drive but going through Chicago makes it seem like a lot farther. We usually leave after work on a Friday and that timing doesn't help any.

Once we got there everything was lovely. Between our friends' cooking (awesome) and time spent chilling, talking and cruising the lake, you couldn't have asked for a better time. I took three 30-packs and a cooler pre-filled with 22 on ice and managed to go through all but ten cans by Monday night. I've driven there before with nothing but warm beer and the hour spent waiting for the beer to get cold is excruciating; hence the cooler being pre-stocked. I walked up to their house with a cold one in hand.

We left on Monday and were invited to stay at our friends' house in Chicago. The Renter and I have off from work this whole week. I figured this would be a nice break in the drive, dividing it up in half. But I guess, after many beers, it was decided that we'd spend a couple days in Chicago. I felt like getting out of our friends' hair after one night. We had off from work but they didn't and who wants two people camped out in your living room for any extended period of time? And I was down to $30 in my wallet. I caught hell from the Renter for wanting to leave but even she was worn out by the time we got home on Tuesday. Oh, and leaving at 1:00 pm on a Tuesday in Chicago meant there was no traffic on the freeway. That made a huge difference.

I had been getting texts from my friends while I was out of town.

"When are you guys coming back?"

"I'm jonesing to go sit on your deck!"

"How do you put up with babysitting the Man-child?"

Wouldn't you know it, even with the threat of rain looming, I had friends over four hours after I got home. We all huddled under a canopy as the rain came down, watching the Brewers game from the TV in my kitchen window. While leaving one group of friends was tough, seeing the regulars after a four day absence was nice, too.

A Little Vay-cay

I'm currently in Gobles, Michigan. If you blink while driving through downtown you'll miss it. But time spent with friends at there lake house is priceless.

I'll be back in touch once I meander back to the great (ehem) city of Milwaukee.

Tennis Elbow

This slight pain in my elbow that's been bothering me for the last three weeks, I'm starting to think it's tennis elbow. It only hurts on the inside of my elbow. I know, I don't play tennis, but I do enough "swinging og the racket" if you know what I mean. But for that theory to work, tennis elbow would have to be contagous like pink eye since it's my left elbow that hurts and I predominately "bat" right handed.

Back to the drawing board.

August Issues

I've had a number of issues this month. In no particular order...

1. I should get my snowbower fixed. I'm anal about my Jeep, changing the oil every six months even if I've only driven 1,000 miles over those six months. But my snowblower, just two years old, had an oil leak and seized up on me. Two days before we got 24" of snow. I'm guessing it's going to cost me $300 to fix it. I don't want to pay $300. The alternative is shoveling all winter. One of my grandfathers died shoveling snow. I'm still contemplating getting it fixed, wouldn't have to save for retirement that way.

2. The gym membership at Marquette, across the street from my work, would cost me $135 for the fall semester. Not only would I not have to workout after work, I'd have access to more equipment than I have in my basement. I could probably make noticable improvements in those four months. Also, I? Glad the Brewers are doing well, and padding my pocket with low scoring games, but when it takes me an hour to drive six miles after work I don't really feel like working out. I'm still contemplating getting the membership.

3. I thought about doubling up my monthly check to the FA. With the market being down the last month I figured I'd could buy in at some reduced prices. Hopefully, heaven forbid, I won't need the money for years to come, but there are still global worries about pert near everthing. The market might still go down more but shit, I remember how it was three years ago. That was scary. Paying down my 5.5% mortgage doesn't sound that much more appealing but it's always a safe option. I don't pay any interest on my credit cards so I'm good there.

4. Hot tacos. The Renter made some unbelievably hot taco meat on Sunday. On Tuesday I showed a new co-worker my breakfast (tacos). He commented on the smell that was whafting out of my office. It was pretty strong. So was the smell in the bathroom that afternoon. One of those where you don't notice it while you're sitting there, but when you stand up and catch a whiff of what's hovering above you - man. I'd like to add that I missed half of the Brewers game that night due to bathroom issues at home.

I ate more of said tacoes tonight since they were both available and free. Can't wait till tomorrow morning. Fireworks, baby.

5. I've been thinking about looking for a new job. This won't fix all my problems, but it might help. With my job I have to live in the City of Milwaukee. Well, the City of Milwaukee is going to shit. With all the black youth ganging up and beating up white people, with my neighbor's 16-yr-old daughter getting drunk/high and lying in the street, and with me owing more than my house is worth, getting a new job and moving out of the city isn't much of a option. At least the moving out of the city part, getting a new job would just be the first step to freedom. But then again, most of my friends live within walking distance to my house. Sure, I could do without my neighbor and his loud stereo but that's fixable. I could call the MPD about the noise nuisance at midnight and they could call me back, waking me up at 2:00 am, wondering if the loud music is still there. No joke. Now I have two noise nuisances.

My issues, minor/major as they may seem, I hope anyone reading this is doing better.

3:00 Munchies

3:00 pm today at work I got bitten by the munchies. The cafeteria closes at 1:30 so I knew I'd be hittingthe vending machine. I don't like chocolate so my only other option was Ruffles potatoe chips. I grabbed $.85 and went down the hall.

There were some people from the business next door doing a tour so I tried to stay low key - even after my bag of chips didn't fall. My first reaction was to feed a buck in the machine and hopefully two bags of chips would fall but I only had a $5 and some $20's.

Fuck.

I went outside and had a cigarette, thinking about the chips the whole time.

After seeing that the chips were still hanging there (and after trying to rock the machine) I brought up the courage to ask a co-worker for a buck. Being the only financial person at my work this was a little hard, needing cash and all, but all I could think about were those chips.

Thankfully the first person I confronted had a dollar and both bags of chips fell.

My old savings technique of leaving every $1 bill in my pocket at the end of the night at home failed me miserably. My new savings technique of stashing $100's in my wallet didn't help any either.

Some days you just can't win. Thankfully the Milwaukee Brewers are taking care of that for me.

24 oz

I'm not messing around today, starting with the monster 24oz Milwaukee's Best Ice.

Before/After

I've gone through 26 30-packs of beer since July 3rd. Can you say "Ouch?" I figured when the Renter picked up 24 packs that it would last me at least two months. Obviously not the case. Mind you this is with going out occasionally and having two or three pitchers of beer. Sad to say, but thankfully Milwaukee's Best Light is on sale again for $12.79, except this time she's picking up 36 30-packs. I say "she" because if the Renter goes solo they load the Liberty for her, I just have to handle the unload. Maybe 36 will last me two months. God I hope so.

How my blood tests come back with a higher rating than the U.S. credit rating...

State Fair Mob Scene

I'm really surprised this didn't make national news. If it did I didn't see it. The News media here tried to down play it as much as possible.

On Thursday, opening day of the Wisconsin State Fair, a group of 200-300 youth stormed the grounds, beating up fairgoers on their way out and on the streets around the fair.

That's how the media tried to play it off. In reality, it was 200-300 African American youth in the 15-18 age range who were beating up white people. This is not my opinion, just the disturbing truth. State Fair is located is West Allis, also known as White Allis. I'm not talking about rich white people but old school white people, those who've lived there their whole lives who worked in the local factories. Hard working people who don't put up with nonsense. When I heard reports of a standoff with local residents on one side of Greenfield Ave. and the mob of black youth on the other yelling at eachother, it blew my mind. There were ten officers inbetween the two groups. Ten. Individuals were being beaten in the street and anyone who tried to help were also attacked. A State Fair police officer was hit in the face with a Masterlock that was tied to a shoe lace. The black youth blocked 84th St., looked into the windshields of all the cars and attacked more white people. The youth were running over cars on the street and assaulting people as they went north on 84th street. The media reported hardly any of this.

Local representatives of prominant African American organizations went on TV and said the whole situation was not racially motivated but from all the forums I read that was the main cause.

It's really sad that Milwaukee is still like this. I won't be attending the fair this year.

If You Aren't Watching...

The first episode of Jersey Shore Season 4 is on tonight. If you're not watching, you're gay. Or is it you're gay if you are watching? Either way, I'm confident, I'm watching the train wreck.

I'd Like To See This Replay

With Corey Hart on first and George Kottaras on third, this is how the ESPN Gamecast read: Nyjer Morgan struck out swinging, Corey Hart stole second, George Kottaras scored, Corey Hart to third on throwing error by catcher Yadier Molina.

That's a lot of action for a play that starts with a strike out.