Coming of Age

As I get older I'm starting to realize that I have more choices to make.  When I was younger and someone brought doughnuts in to work, I'd be polite and take one.  Yesterday I had four.  If the "free doughnuts" email went out at 8:30 it's not my fault if someone else didn't take one by 9:30.  On Sunday's, if I don't want to go to church I really don't have to (but I still talk to The Big Guy on a regular basis).  Someone suggested going to the State Fair at 8:00 pm on a Saturday and I nixed that, opting for a noon start time for fun in the sun with plenty of beer and a safe walk home around 8:00 pm (might give you an idea of where I live).  The police used to be the enemy but now I don't have a problem making a call when my neighbor cranks his stereo playing some ghetto-ass music (the ordinance is no noise 50 feet away, not full volume until 10:00 pm as some morans think).
 
But there is one thing that was branded in my upbringing that I've never backed out of: going to the dentist.  I've seen the same dentist my whole life, every six months as a kid, every nine months now that I have to pay for it.  Being a moderate (ehem...) smoker and coffee drinker, regular visits to the dentist are probably advised.  I've had two cavities in my life but I'm 95% sure those happened because of my addiction to sunflower seeds (whole seeds in one cheek and swapping them over to the other side after cracking them, all in the office environment mind you).
 
I got the reminder of my appointment in the mail this week.  It seems that every time I go it ends up running me at least $125.  I've been doing a new savings technique lately (yes, yet another savings plan).  Every paycheck I've been sticking a $100 bill in my wallet.  I've done this for eight paychecks now.  Looking at this small sample, $125 taken out of $800 is a big percentage.  In the grand scheme of things it's a penny in the wishing well (because I'm soooooo looooooaded!) but I like to play these mental money games; keeps me on my toes.  The phone call went like this:
 
Me:  Hi, this is B to the..., I have an appointment for next week Wednesday.
 
Receptionist:  Yes, we have you down for 3:30.
 
Me:  I was wondering if I could cancel that.  It's a week away, is it too late to cancel?
 
Receptionist:  No, that's fine.  Would you like to reschedule the appointment?
 
Me:  Umm, no, not really.
 
Receptionist:  Would you like us to give you a reminder call in three months?
 
Me:  Ahh, I'll put it on my calendar to call you.
 
Receptionist:  Ok, just don't forget about us.
 
Success!  I actually felt a little naughty when I hung up.

Butt Plug

I have a friend who tells me he uses these twice a day. It's a paper towel that he puts in his ass crack to combat sweat. Totally understandable, butt sweat could bleed through and become noticable. But literally digging deeper, I found out that he balls up the end of it, for insertion, so it doesn't fall out (which I've been told it still does on occasion). This scares me a bit, that my friends partake in practices that even I think are weird. I mean, when I get loaded and you pass out there will most definately be pictures of my small penis or white ass looming over your head, but paper towel inserted into your rectum? Uh.

How Was Your Week Off?

When I went back to work on Tuesday a lot of people asked me how my week off was. After having nothing but sunny weather in the 80's I was pretty tan so "sitting outside chillin" was one of my standard responses. It was also pretty much the only work place appropriate response. I couldn't really tell anyone that:

I bought 720 cans of beer because they were on sale.

My shorts (and underwear) came off for photo opportunities many times as friends passed out before me.

I had numerous water balloon fights with friends who came over.

I wrestled with the Renter in my underwear in the kitchen. Also had a bottle of tabasco sause stuck in my butt in said fiasco.

I performed my version of Superman in my underwear on the 4th (without leaving the ground, of course). I didn't remember that at all.

But what I think was the best of the week? I sat on my deck with a cooler of ice cold beer for the most of ten days, leaving my seat only to restock the cooler and use the bathroom. After spending eight hours at work on Tuesday my thighs hurt from walking. Mind you I have a desk job.

Beer On Sale

I had to clean the bathroom and give Puppy a bath, but the Renter made a run to the store for 4th of July supplies and beer was on sale. I saved $1 a 30-pack, might as well stock up.

That is a picture from my kitchen. 720 beers, I should be good for two months.

Brewers Vs. Yankees

Horrible series. The 3rd game, Randy Wolf against CC Sabathia, that's like me walking on to a porn set with Peter North. (As our "actress" for the day eyes his cock with fear and trepidation, she doesn't think twice about letting me fuck her in her belly button.)

CD/Stereo

I've had issues with my neighbors lately, mainly their loud music and pot smoking. So I decided I might be able to fight back, certainly not on the illegal drug use side of it.

I had the Renter pick up an RCA cabel for $5 online, good price assuming it would have cost me at least $4 at Radio Shack.

But in my vacation mode, which means drinking at 1:00 every day, when I asked her for help I wasn't much help. I needed to move the receiver in order t get the 1999 200-disk CD player in the entertainment cabinet, which was a tight squeeze. After getting yelled at and loosing my helper I managed to wedge everything in, ugly as it was.

I'll have to re-route all the wires tomorrow.

But the first random CD that came on was Stevie Ray, classic shit. I turned it up, the guitar stroking at my heart. I knew it was a little loud but hey, first time testing out the stereo and the two 10" subs weren't even turned on.

I'll have to ask the nice neighbor if he'll be around tomorrow, possibly re-route the wires and turn the subs on. That would be six 10" subs, 2 independantly powered, echowing in my basement.

Let's just say REM shakes the house. Ice Cube's "Check Yo Self" might get to the foundation.

10 Days Off

This, my friends, is how I prepare for ten straight days off from work. Seven 30-packs on the floor, two more in the fridge, and ten pounds of ribs (on sale for $1.99/lb). I'm sure I'll be beered and porked out when it's all said and done. At least this week it's supposed to be 80 and sunny. Can't ask for much better weather in Wisconsin.

Dan Gilbert Owes Me 9.5 Minutes Of My Life Back

The NBA Lottery was May 17th. With over a month to interview and work out all the draft prospects, Dan Gilbert and the Cavs management made me wait nine and a half minutes to find out who they were going to select with the number one overall pick. Assholes.

The invoice for my time is in the mail.

Dumpster Diving

I had a chicken burrito at work today. I'm always carefull with the garbage, putting the tray food side up in the garbage so the cleaning lady doesn't have to change the bag.

A co-worker swung by during lunch.

"So what do you do during lunch since you don't go anywhere?"

"I catch up on stuff, nothing major."

"Is that my time off request?", looking at a page on my desk.

"Yep." As I crushed the paper and threw it in the garbage.

"Don't you need that?"

Pulling it out of the garbage, with a hunk of chickenattached from the burrito, "No, I record the hours off your timesheet, not this," as I ate the piece of chicken that was stuck tot the sheet.

The co-worker freaked out, much to my pleasure. She left my office shortly thereafter.

Mission accomplished.

2nd "Outdoor Man Cave" Comment

Some guy riding his bike with his dog practically fell off his bike as he stopped on the sidewalk.

"I don't mean to creep you out or anything but that's pretty sweet! What's the score?"

"8 to 1, not looking good."

"Again, that's pretty slick. Take care."

I think I'm giving the Heinecken guy a run for his money.

Love The Setup

9:00 on Monday I was getting a little hungry. I had a sandwich at work at 4:00 but after lifting weights and eight beers I had to make a trip to the gas station for a pizza.

After pre-heating the oven and putting the pizza in I stepped outside to find a guy in a minivan on the street eyeing up my house.

"I like the setup."

Yeah bitches, I know how to roll.

If only I could get rid of my renting neighbors who are loud and obnoxious. The Renter is on their case, calling the authorities and the property owner. The owner is 83 so I'd hope, dark as it may sound, that the house might be put up for sale eventually.

Only time will tell.

Budget Analysis

I was looking at my budget spreadsheet and what bills were going to be paid from my 6/24 paycheck. Analyzing the budget, if you will. More like anal-yzing; I have every bill scheduled till the end of 2013. I'm pretty anal when it comes to money. Probably the reason why salesmen drool over my credit rating when I apply for those 0% finance deals at retail stores (which I also keep at good amount of attention on in order to avoid any finance charges). But looking at my 6/24 paycheck, I noticed there were two payments listed for the exact amount, $524. I dug around on all my credit card websites and sure enough, I had listed the same payment twice. Grinning ear to ear I deleted the one, swapped $100 over to the "spend" line and moved the rest to the "savings" line. That $100 will come in handy as I have the week off and will most certainly start drinking at 1:00 every day.

David Patterson's Penis Photo

Bad aim when you can't see.

Throw Him The Heater!

I have a friend who's not 100% there mentally. He's a good person and I'd do pretty much anything for him as he would for me. But he has his antics. If he has six beers in him he gets a little loose. Watching sports with him takes patience.

He'll get confused with who scores during football games. Third and long might actually be first down.

But the Brewers, that's a different story.

My friend has a strong opinion about the Brewers. Chants of "Go Brew Crew!" and "Come on, Fielder!" echo in my back yard.

But the best is when the Brewer's closer is on the mound. "Throw him the heater!" is the standard call.

I had two friends over on Wednesday. The Brewers were tied in the ninth inning. We joked about my friend yelling the heater pitch request.

I took the puppy out. I got a phone call when I was outside, in the middle of picking up poop.

The voicemail: Throw him the heater!

We all got on our phones to send him a text. I asked all ten of my friends to send him a text, refferencing the heater. The end result: his phone blew up with texts. And the Brewers won.

I'll pick him up a 30-pack of High Life this weekend.

Happy Hour! Happy Hour!

Appearantly my "happy hour, happy hour" chant translates to "drive straight home" in Korean. Home? It's always happy hour there! Sheesh.

Great Golf Ball Whacker Guy

I went to thbe driving range with the Renter on Friday. Sounded fun at the time. Two days later I can't take the covers off me in the morning. Of course I swing like Tiger Woods, they make 9 irons to go 130, 3 irons to go 230, so swing hard every time, right?

If you want to be in pain for two days after.

I swear, 90 lb dumbbells over my chest, no problem, but a little white ball and a club in my hand...

Promises

This post has sence been edited/deleted per the Renter's request/demand

Week Off, Schedule

10:00 Wake up.

10:05 Make coffee.

12:00 Lift weights.

12:45 Take shower.

1:00 Put meat on the grill.

2:00 Afternoon is open.

I just needed a week off from work. Granted, I decided on this a month ago and so far the weather hasn't cooperated but still, my schedule has led to some pretty relaxing days. I still have to go in to work for an hour tomorrow to make sure the payroll went through correctly but other than that I'm good to go.

Overestimating My Abilities

I've been pricing a new kitchen sink and faucet for a while now. The white plastic sink I had was kind of an eye sore. If I left dishes in the sink it took a lot of scrubbing to get food/dish marks off. And my faucet leaked a little, probably just needed a new washer or something but it was getting old, too.

Sunday was a cold day, 50 something and windy. After pissing off the Renter on Friday, not talking all Saturday, I put theolive branch out there and asked her if she wanted to go to a place on Lincoln Ave. I knew they had $2 cheeseburgers and free pool. I didn't know I'd be so rusty at pool.

After splitting the first four games the Renter laid out a bet. I don't even remember what I would have won had I won the 5th game but it doesn't matter. I lost.

Headed to Home Depot.

I could have found a new sink and faucet for cheaper but the one I bought almost lined up perfectly with the drains I currently had. I figured, even though not experienced with plumming of any kind, I'd be able to hook the new one up without any outside help.

(By the way, this plumming thing reminded me, I once dated a girl who "starred" in "Pumping Plumpers 3". Initials TL. Almost lost my watch in that vag, with three fingers in the back end.)

Back to plumming...

Boy was I wrong.

Fairly winded, at least two sheets, I cleared out the cabinet under the sink and took a gander. I had no clue what I was getting into. I got as far as turning the water lines off.

I had to call a friend of a friend to come over on Tuesday to "help" me put the new sink in. Somehow, while having friends over, I managed to discourage anyone from entering the house so we didn't have any distractions putting the new sink in. It went fairly well, two hours with only one trip to the store but we got it in (up to the wrist, fuck, wrong plumming story again). I spotted the guy $60 for two hours of work, most of it lying on his back in my kitchen. There was no way I could have done it by myself.

So now I know, don't try indoor home improvement projects without professional help and don't make wagers on poolgames, even against a girl.

Lunch/Dinner

Renter: What do you want to do do for lunch?

I had taken the day off, I was open.

Renter: How about Indian, Korean?

No, I'm a little partial to bar food, beers, sports on TVs.

We went to a bar with a happy hour special, then followed a friend to a bar by his house. But then, I let the devils in. I was a little hungry, and the Renter took me to a place that I didn't want to go to, no TVs, no bar.

Sitting at a restaurant without a beer and guys to talk to scares me.