Her [running to the doors as they were closing]: Oh, oh ,oh!
Me: Just tick you're arm in there, no big deal.
In her view as the doors were closing I stuck my hand in the six inch opening.
Me: Ah, no, my hand!
I pounded on the door with my free hand.
Me: Help! Help!
The doors opened, as usual. She stood there with her mouth open.
Me: This elevator is pretty tame, no big deal.
She stood there looking at me as the doors closed. Guess she didn't find my act funny.
Oh, and befor the game the best we could find on TV was a Jersey Shore marathon, hence the Renter pic wearing sunglasses indoors
My email:
I'll give you a little slack on the lack of posts lately, but being a man of similar tastes as mine...
I've been without (new) porn on my phone ever since Limewire went down. I know, Limewire, a thing of the past, but as you can see I still use Hotmail. Of course there's Redtube (which I first heard of from you, thank you), but I'm looking for that high quality, downloadable good shit that these new smart phones were surely invented for. I have 18 hours of porn on my phone but it's getting a little old, kind of like dating a girl for three months and and you've litterally had sex with her every one ofthose days, one of those loosey goosey chicks that never says no. So I'm in the "out with the old, in with the new" mode, looking for new material. If you could throw me a bone (ha!) and toss me a free website or two (that don't have viruses or STDs) that you might happen to browse from time to time I'd greatly appreciate it.
Feel free, with your posting dry spell, to use this on your blog if you want.
Jason's responce:
Oh, enough with the not-blogging talk. I've started a new one that I'll be releasing to the public shortly. As for porn, two sites and two sites only: Redtube and Pornhub. They make me happy.
Best,
Jason
Just keeping up with the blogging peeps.
When I got home I changed clothes and went out to the garage to take a look at it. I didn't find anything that was obviously wrong with it. But then I went to start it. I couldn't get the engine to budge. No matter how hard I pulled I couldn't get it to rotate. Then I checked the oil. Over the summer I noticed there was a wet mark under it but I figured it was just leaking gas. Stupid me didn't consider that gasoline would have evaporated. Sure enough, when I checked the dip stick there was little evidence that there was any oil in the tank. My engine was shot, just in time for the biggest snow storm in a decade.
I knew I had off on Wednesday so I stayed home Tuesday night and pounded beers. It was snowing but nothing too serious. I figured I'd just wait till the morning and take my time shoveling snce I didn't have anything else going on.
I woke up Wednesday morning and went to take the dog out. I opened the inside door and pushed on the outside door. To my surprise, just like the snow blower engine, it didn't budge. There was two feet of snow blocking my way. I went to the back door and as able to wedge my way out. Puppy went about five.feet and peed on my snow covered deck. One minute later she was pooping by the garage, quite possibly the fastest I've ever seen her poop. She didn't want anything to do with all the snow.
Around 11:00 I went outside to shovel. It was plenty cold out so the snow was fairly light and fluffy but there was a lot of it. There were drifts by the Renter's car but I figured they were just drifts; all my sidewalks couldn't possibly have the same amount of snow, right?
As I worked my way down the driveway I found out I was wrong. My sidewalks were covered knee deep I snow. The Renter had a girlfriend sleep over so there were three of us shoveling but still, it was a daunting task. I vaulted one drift that went all the way up to my balls. After an hour and a half everything was cleared and I bought the ladies lunch.
My snow blower was only two years old and set me back $800. Since its practically brand new, sans working engine (it still has those little nubbies on the tires), I went online to find out how much new engines cost. Without the exact model number handy I did a basic search for Tecumseh 6 hp models. I found a couple models for $250-$300. That was far, far less than I had expected. A hell of a lot better than $800. I called a friend of mine and he sad it shouldn't be too hard to swap out the old one and install the new one. It's not like we'd be taking everything apart (pistons and such), just replacing the engine. I'm almost certain I could do it myself but my friend is much more handy than I ever will be. I figure it will take us about two hours since everything is still fairly new and clean.
Two hours this summer.
I'm punishing myself by not getting it fixed till this summer. I will be shoveling snow for the rest of the winter. Maybe next year I'll actually make sure there's oil in the tank.
"Diet", at this time of year, relates more to people wanting to lose weight. Diet to me means what I shove down my mouth. Some weeks, when chicken pot pies are on sale for $.50 a piece that's all I eat. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, that's it, same meal. This week they had chicken breasts on sale for $1.88 a pound. I bought three big packages. That's all I've eaten since noon on Sunday. And one would think, just eating chicken breasts, that I would lose weight. I don't know if this is hapenning, I don't typically stand on a scale.
But I have been shitting a lot. A lot. Not solid either. You'd think, straight chicken, your body would cope with something easy like that. Not mine.
I had to change it up with a frozen pizza tonight, see if the system has any problems with that.
Or the red peppers I put on it.
Renter: Can I use your phone, mine's dead.
I left my phone at home, forgot it.
Neither of us had a working phone on us.
Needless to say I wasn't walking for gas.
My electric bill has been $30 higher than usual lately. I've been staying home three days a week, as opposed to boozing it up out on the town (hole in the wall that still allows smoking), so I've been saving money. But the "energy star" TV the sits four feet sway from the thermostat is making the house cold. Namely, when I go to bed at night my room is not (undisclosed low heat reading). No, it's much colder. Thankfully I have a little puppy to keep me warm but still, f'ing cold. Turning on my space heater will only jack the electric bill up higher. Kind of like getting a ten and a six at blackjack.
With dad leaving for Florida this month I made a point to invite him and Butthead over. (I must have been a rough older brother to get my sister to answer to Butthead.) I asked if they could bring dad's two dogs since I really hadn't seen them much since he moved out.
When the crew arrived there was mass chaos. All three dogs were screaming around my living room. There was some growling but mostly play wrestling. Puppy had a blast while they were there.
Saturday, after having two pichters the Renter took me to the puppy store on 86th St. They had two puppies in the window, the cutest, most docile of which is pictured at the top of this post. Very nice dog, nine weeks old, great personality. The combination of not wanting to spend $425 and potty training a puppy in the winter months brought me to decide not to take any action. I really don't need another dog, as cute and cuddly as she was. So life, while on the edge for a bit, is back on even keel. Just the way I like it.
I was on the way back from city hall after picking up a check for work. It wasn't cold but it was windy, snow blowing in my face. I heard a woman talking from accross the street.
"Sir? Sir?"
I looked over. To my surprise she was actually beckoning me.
"Do you have a cigarette I could borrow?"
Did she really think I was going to cross the street to "borrow" her a cigarette? How exactly does one "borrow" a cigarette? Was I going to catch up with her tomorrow?
What goes through these peoples' heads?
I'm sorry I haven't paid much attention to you so far this year. I wish I had a good, solid reason as to why this has happened but I don't. Basically, my life has been pretty boring lately and I don't have much to share/laugh about. That and the only reason I turn on my laptop is for porn and not posting to your site. Sorry, porn conquers all.
Another reason you and I haven't been that close lately is that, I know you won't believe it, but I quit drinking for 3.5 days. Dear blog, you really haven't witnessed this before, but when I'm not drinking I tend to be rather dull personality wise. I don't crack jokes, I don't talk much, and I certainly don't pee myself (as often). Besides lifting weights after work, all I've done this week is watch TV and play on my phone. I know I could have spent some of that time updating/sharing with you, but it just didn't happen. And trust me, I thought about everything I could share as I tossed and turned for three sleepless nights (sobriety sucks). It wasn't that bad spending time with Puppy and just chilling out, but tossing and turning in bed even after staying up till midnight was killing me. I think Puppy even gave me the stink eye after waking her up for the 50th time on Wednesday.
But all is not lost. After not getting any sleep for three days I said enough is enough. I worked out Thursday after work and promptly cracked open a beer. Four beers later and it was off to the bar. Yes, back to the good 'ol routine! I plan on having many stories of me pooping myself or falling down a flight of stairs in the near future. And since I stopped going to the gym during lunch I might even take some time out and fill you in more often.
Just don't get mad at me when I try this little Monday-Thursday sober thing again next week.
Sincerely,
B to the...
6:45 - Left the bar
7:00 - Peed myself walking the dog
11:30 - Almost peed myself again trying to get out of my room after taking a nap
2:00 - Went to bed after watching Hitch
My exciting life. Fairly normal, except for the peeing myself.
My plan for the next 11 days: get as smashing drunk as possible while only eating one large meal a day. I'm going to take advantage of every all-you-can-eat lunch special and every happy hour special within a two mile radius (I already paid the Renter for gas knowing full well my Jeep won't be leaving my garage).
Since I started this post on Thursday (now Saturday), I've diverted from the original plan. By Friday, only two days into the time off, I was beered out. I couldn't even think about beer till after 5:00. And even after that I only lasted five hours at a bar before needing a ride home. Not a good start to what should be a beer marathon session.
This F-R-E-E compulsion seems to get worse during the holidays. This week, for some reason or another, we've had F-R-E-E food in the office every day. It started out nicely with a potluck lunch with a variety of goodies available. I was fine with that, stuffed, but good to go. But the last two days they've put out a sausage/cheese/cracker spread from Usimger's. The past two days all I've eaten are sausage and cheese. Top that off with more orange juice than I've consumed in the previous six months combined and it spelled disaster. And my new bar, at which you can rent an ashtray for $1 and smoke inside, well, there toilet isn't the greatest. It handled my liquid poop, just not the six swipes of TP that I used.
This has happened twice now. I think they're going to catch on that its me soon.
Why even give him that trophy.
