Friday, October 12, 2007
Comments
And in case you feel like commenting today, you will have near instantanious approval of your comment as I have nothing better to do than hit refresh on my hotmail account.
Florida State/Wake Forest
Did anyone see that Florida State/Wake Forest game last night? I've never seen worse officiating in my life, all in the first two minutes of the game. Florida State punted, one of their guys got blocked in the back (flag), it hit their player and then bounced off a Wake Forest player, Forida State recovered (even though it was technically down when it hit their player), after a fifteen minute official review they called the penalty on Florida State, counted off ten yards and gave them the ball on their 40 when it should have been Wake Forest's ball on their 30 after the ten yard penalty. (that was a long sentence, can we say "run on"?) I didn't have any moola on the game but still, pretty ugly.
Feed the Squirrels
I have a squirrel who's nesting in my black walnut tree. He/she hopped on my deck this morning when I was having my coffee and cigarette. All was cool till it got within six feet of me. With the knee I'm as helpless as a one year old. I started to panic just a bit but it ran off. I put some sunflower seeds out on the deck for it. Should keep it busy for a couple of hours.
Gotta Call This One Out
Someone from The Moody Bible Institute was on this site and checked out the 2007 Hooters Swimsuit Pageant photos. Seriously.
I Hereby Do Declare...
The Renter knows her fried eggs. Not scrambled eggs, not omletts, but fried eggs she can do. I was kidding around today and told her to make me eggs and she did, all before she had to leave for work. I felt bad at first, until I tasted the eggs. And then I wanted more. So thank you, Renter, for the delicious breakfast.
And I'm still bored as hell, you'll probably get a bunch of boring posts again today.
And I'm still bored as hell, you'll probably get a bunch of boring posts again today.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
ACL Tear
I'm not a doctor or anything, but if you're going in for a cartilage tear and they find a tear in your ACL can't they fix them both at the same time? Like I want to go through all this again.
Bored
And yes I'm bored so you will probably be getting more boring posts like the last one. Just be happy that I'm thinking about all of you.
October 11th
8:37 am - #1 (do I have to spell it out for you?)
Did you know VH1 and MTV actually play videos early in the morning? I've seen Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, Common, and Kanye West so far. Yeah baby, I'm jamming.
How about a couple emails from the 40 yr-old from the gym who just happened to email me after I had the knee surgery yesterday?
40 yr-old: Hey B to the...! How have you been?
Me: Funny getting your email today. I was thinking about going back to the gym. It's too tempting to not lift weights at home. But... I just had surgery to repair a cartilage tear in my already messed up knee. Those stairs going to the locker room and then up to the gym would kill me right now. Surprisingly I can walk without crutches and I've been told I should have full range of motion in six weeks so we'll see. Has it been busy in there?
Other than that I've been doing aok. Not much really new. I broke down and bought a 61" TV a couple weeks ago so at least I have that to watch while I'm laid up.
Oh, and still single, as always.
And how you doin'?
40 yr-old: Morning!
How did you tear your knee up? Ouch! Sounds like you're recovering rather well...all that working out paid off!
Well, if you decide to return it would be great to have you back, I miss your sense of humor. :) Students (or as you call them, eye candy) have returned so the place has picked up some, but not to a point of craziness. Mike still takes jabs at everyone...he's funny.
You "broke down and bought a 61" t.v." LOL That is quite a break down....Now the po-x-n videos will be like life size! LOL
I'm doin okay. Work responsibilities are increasing, which is very cool. Should equate to bigger raises.
Still single????? What is up with that??? You are such a cutie and fun to hang with, I find that so hard to believe! Jeez, If I were five years younger I'd be making the moves on you boy...
[Seriously, five years? She could outlast me by far in the bedroom. Unless she's talking about five years of maturity, in which case we're actually fifteen years apart.]
Me: Hmmm, what does five years have to do with anything?
Yeah, the 61", started drinking one Saturday at 1:00 and by 11:00 am the next day they were delivering it. Just in time for the Packer game! But it was totally unplanned. No research or anything. Walked in, found a pretty one, checked out the price tag, went down the line and found a cheaper pretty one and signed on the dotted line. Some of those things are expensive as hell.
Bigger raises are always good. Size matters, right?
Today is October 11th, I'm guessing I'll be doing stairs ok by the end of November and you should be able to sign up right when the fall classes end you'd think. I'll have to look into that. I was doing well at home but then the Brewers were doing well and I got wrapped up in that. Oh well.
What's up with this weather?
Hey, the doctor said I can't shower till Saturday. I wonder if I can get a sponge bath out of the gym lady. Hmmm, I'll have to work on that. But seriously, Saturday? My junk smells so bad already that even I don't want to play with it.
Did you know VH1 and MTV actually play videos early in the morning? I've seen Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, Common, and Kanye West so far. Yeah baby, I'm jamming.
How about a couple emails from the 40 yr-old from the gym who just happened to email me after I had the knee surgery yesterday?
40 yr-old: Hey B to the...! How have you been?
Me: Funny getting your email today. I was thinking about going back to the gym. It's too tempting to not lift weights at home. But... I just had surgery to repair a cartilage tear in my already messed up knee. Those stairs going to the locker room and then up to the gym would kill me right now. Surprisingly I can walk without crutches and I've been told I should have full range of motion in six weeks so we'll see. Has it been busy in there?
Other than that I've been doing aok. Not much really new. I broke down and bought a 61" TV a couple weeks ago so at least I have that to watch while I'm laid up.
Oh, and still single, as always.
And how you doin'?
40 yr-old: Morning!
How did you tear your knee up? Ouch! Sounds like you're recovering rather well...all that working out paid off!
Well, if you decide to return it would be great to have you back, I miss your sense of humor. :) Students (or as you call them, eye candy) have returned so the place has picked up some, but not to a point of craziness. Mike still takes jabs at everyone...he's funny.
You "broke down and bought a 61" t.v." LOL That is quite a break down....Now the po-x-n videos will be like life size! LOL
I'm doin okay. Work responsibilities are increasing, which is very cool. Should equate to bigger raises.
Still single????? What is up with that??? You are such a cutie and fun to hang with, I find that so hard to believe! Jeez, If I were five years younger I'd be making the moves on you boy...
[Seriously, five years? She could outlast me by far in the bedroom. Unless she's talking about five years of maturity, in which case we're actually fifteen years apart.]
Me: Hmmm, what does five years have to do with anything?
Yeah, the 61", started drinking one Saturday at 1:00 and by 11:00 am the next day they were delivering it. Just in time for the Packer game! But it was totally unplanned. No research or anything. Walked in, found a pretty one, checked out the price tag, went down the line and found a cheaper pretty one and signed on the dotted line. Some of those things are expensive as hell.
Bigger raises are always good. Size matters, right?
Today is October 11th, I'm guessing I'll be doing stairs ok by the end of November and you should be able to sign up right when the fall classes end you'd think. I'll have to look into that. I was doing well at home but then the Brewers were doing well and I got wrapped up in that. Oh well.
What's up with this weather?
Hey, the doctor said I can't shower till Saturday. I wonder if I can get a sponge bath out of the gym lady. Hmmm, I'll have to work on that. But seriously, Saturday? My junk smells so bad already that even I don't want to play with it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Hospitals Scare Me - Thoughts and Prayers
I went to the hospital on Monday for some pre-surgery tests. As you know I really don’t like hospitals and going to one I’ve never been to made matters even worse. First I got lost. They had little maps of the hospital by the elevators but I swear they were drawn by a woman because even with my engineering/architectural background I couldn’t figure out where the fuck to go. I had to kindly ask a member of the cleaning crew where to go and she politely showed me the way. Just a minor hitch so far.
They showed me to a room where this gigantic black woman took my vitals. I mean huge, like a good 300. I started some light banter with her and had her laughing in no time. Unfortunately the light banter was more for my benefit than hers; I’m like Chandler from Friends and I make pathetic jokes when I’m nervous. And boy was I nervous. She took my blood pressure three times. Normally the healthiest man to walk (hobble) into the hospital, today I was showing a sign of high blood pressure. And my temperature was over 100 degrees. Eventually all the readings got down to an acceptable level and she went to go get the doctor.
I heard a knock at the door. You know I like to make racial jokes and everything on this website but that’s all they are, jokes. Who walks in but this young Indian woman with a huge zit right in the middle of the forehead. I swear I had to check it out several times to make sure it wasn’t some religious symbol or something but no, it was a zit. She went through the usual questions about family history and any past surgeries. After 20 minutes we were done and I was free to go. As I got up off the paper covered examination table I noticed wet marks where I had been sitting. I had sweat through my Dockers and left two damp lines on the paper. I quickly turned around and examined the back of my pants and to my relief they appeared ok. I left the hospital, hopped in my car and lit a cigarette pronto.
Today I had the surgery. I got up at 5:00 am (yuk), got to the hospital at 6:00, and went under the knife at 8:00. To my surprise I was awake (kind of) at 9:30. I was out of the recovery room at 10:30 and on the phone to Pops at 11:00. I didn’t have much pain right away due to the local anesthesia they put on it (in it?) during the surgery. Pops arrived, I picked up my Vikes at the pharmacy and was wheeled out. We swung by Kmart and bought a DVD player since the Renter’s just took a shitter and picked up some subs. The nurse said I should be careful with eating after being put under but Mr. Chicken Wing was starving.
And now I sit here. I don’t think I’ve written it on here but I’ve given the Renter shit for watching shit on the new TV. I mean, come on, it’s my TV, it’s fucking big so it has to cost more to run, the bulb is expensive and has a shelf life, and I can set up her TV so she can watch Rock of Love. But today, fuck, I watched shit. There ain’t much on TV at 2:00 in the afternoon. Around 3:30 some sports shows came on ESPN and I’ve watched two hours of that so far. Damn I’m bored. I wouldn’t write a boring post if I wasn’t.
Eight hours after the surgery and I still really don’t have that much pain. I can hobble on it without the use of crutches pretty much like I could before. I’ve had ice on it the whole time but I really don’t see any use for any pain killers at this point. Which is good; I don’t like taking stuff like that, not even Tylenol. But you should see how many sunflower seeds I’ve gone through. The Renter called and asked if I needed anything. Just sunflower seeds, just the seeds.
I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers at this time. Specifically your thoughts and prayers for my poor penis as I have a brand new DVD player and 15 porns that the Renter bought me last March. I hope the little guy makes it out alive.
They showed me to a room where this gigantic black woman took my vitals. I mean huge, like a good 300. I started some light banter with her and had her laughing in no time. Unfortunately the light banter was more for my benefit than hers; I’m like Chandler from Friends and I make pathetic jokes when I’m nervous. And boy was I nervous. She took my blood pressure three times. Normally the healthiest man to walk (hobble) into the hospital, today I was showing a sign of high blood pressure. And my temperature was over 100 degrees. Eventually all the readings got down to an acceptable level and she went to go get the doctor.
I heard a knock at the door. You know I like to make racial jokes and everything on this website but that’s all they are, jokes. Who walks in but this young Indian woman with a huge zit right in the middle of the forehead. I swear I had to check it out several times to make sure it wasn’t some religious symbol or something but no, it was a zit. She went through the usual questions about family history and any past surgeries. After 20 minutes we were done and I was free to go. As I got up off the paper covered examination table I noticed wet marks where I had been sitting. I had sweat through my Dockers and left two damp lines on the paper. I quickly turned around and examined the back of my pants and to my relief they appeared ok. I left the hospital, hopped in my car and lit a cigarette pronto.
Today I had the surgery. I got up at 5:00 am (yuk), got to the hospital at 6:00, and went under the knife at 8:00. To my surprise I was awake (kind of) at 9:30. I was out of the recovery room at 10:30 and on the phone to Pops at 11:00. I didn’t have much pain right away due to the local anesthesia they put on it (in it?) during the surgery. Pops arrived, I picked up my Vikes at the pharmacy and was wheeled out. We swung by Kmart and bought a DVD player since the Renter’s just took a shitter and picked up some subs. The nurse said I should be careful with eating after being put under but Mr. Chicken Wing was starving.
And now I sit here. I don’t think I’ve written it on here but I’ve given the Renter shit for watching shit on the new TV. I mean, come on, it’s my TV, it’s fucking big so it has to cost more to run, the bulb is expensive and has a shelf life, and I can set up her TV so she can watch Rock of Love. But today, fuck, I watched shit. There ain’t much on TV at 2:00 in the afternoon. Around 3:30 some sports shows came on ESPN and I’ve watched two hours of that so far. Damn I’m bored. I wouldn’t write a boring post if I wasn’t.
Eight hours after the surgery and I still really don’t have that much pain. I can hobble on it without the use of crutches pretty much like I could before. I’ve had ice on it the whole time but I really don’t see any use for any pain killers at this point. Which is good; I don’t like taking stuff like that, not even Tylenol. But you should see how many sunflower seeds I’ve gone through. The Renter called and asked if I needed anything. Just sunflower seeds, just the seeds.
I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers at this time. Specifically your thoughts and prayers for my poor penis as I have a brand new DVD player and 15 porns that the Renter bought me last March. I hope the little guy makes it out alive.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
2007 Hooters Swimsuit Pageant
If you haven't checked the 2007 Hooters Swimsuit Pageant photos yet you're really missing out. I hope to beat it to every one of them while I'm laid up with the knee. Wish me luck.
Hudgens Again...
Somebody please show this girl how to hold a bowling ball. Seriously, your naked photos are on the internet and you got shot holding the ball with your first two fingers? That reminds me, I have to work on getting my naked photos on the internet one of these days...
Costumes
I was browsing the halloween ads today for costumes. Damn it, you got me, I was just looking for women with fake hooters dressed in some slutty outfits. So, which would you take, Angel #1
or Angel #2?
Yeah, that's what I figured. But for me, an angel isn't going to do it. Since I'm going under the knife Wednesday morning, I figure I'll be needing one of these.
or Angel #2?
Yeah, that's what I figured. But for me, an angel isn't going to do it. Since I'm going under the knife Wednesday morning, I figure I'll be needing one of these.
Recognition
Usually when you come to this site you know what to expect. It’s usually either some story about me whacking off or getting drunk or falling down or whacking off while getting drunk and falling down suffering life threatening penile injuries. Seriously, there isn’t much to me besides the animalistic need to fondle my junk and chug a beer. Lately I’ve had this tourettes-like reaction where I yell “titties” every time there are boobs on the TV. Every time. 30 second commercial for Miller Lite = 5 shouts of “titties” with each one getting progressively louder. But come on, you can’t blame me; large pushed up titties on TV deserved to be recognized.
Which brings me to today’s topic – recognition. First, let me introduce you to the FA (financial advisor). FA, can you wave to everyone? Yeah, he’s that goofy guy in the back with that funny grin. FA’s wife, can you please stand and wave to everyone also? No shit, I wondered how he landed her too; dude must go down on chicks or something.
So I got my statements from the FA’s company last night. I’ve been keeping tabs on the market lately and I knew it had jumped quite a bit in the past month so I was eager to open them. I ripped open the envelope. I yelled (more like shrieked). I crapped my pants (and I wish I was kidding on this one). I ran to the bathroom laughing all the way because the numbers were impressive and now I had another shitting-my-pants story to put in the blog. I know how much you guys like those.
Anyone’s retirement strategy should be to earn more money off your investments than you spend so you continually build on your assets. Well my friends, my investments earned more than I spent last month. Fuck, my investments earned more than I did going to work every day. Unfortunately I’m only 30 and can’t rely on the market to do that every month. Good thing too; I don’t think my penis could take all the free time.
We’re talking over 5% here. In one month. FA, if you were here right now I’d kiss you, tongue even.
Wait, the DOW went up 7.2% and the NASDAQ went up 7.6%. FA, you suck! You owe me a 5’3” Asian hooker!
(I can just see the look on his face now. After getting all that praise at the beginning to getting slammed in front of a national audience – priceless!)
To be honest, I was quite impressed with the results and always have been with the FA’s advice. While I didn’t make 7% last month like the indexes did I won’t lose 7% if the market goes back down. My port is pretty stable – something has to be in my life, might as well be it. The FA knows what he’s doing and I appreciate his services.
But I’m not letting him off on the hooker. On second thought, let’s go with a Puerto Rican.
Which brings me to another story. Last Saturday my dad and sister came over in the morning. Dad mowed the lawn and we sat down and watched the Badger game. The game was at 11:00 and they ended up leaving around 3:30. After being cooped up for four and a half hours I needed to get out. And the corner bar wasn’t open yet.
I convinced the Renter to drive to the old Sunday free pool bar. Since we bought the new pool sticks from Wal-Mart we’ve been playing pool more often. The results are still the same (with me kicking her ass), but I think she just likes prancing around with her pink pool stick.
After a while a guy named Mark came in and he and I played eight or so games. We pretty much split the games which was surprising. I don’t think I ever sobered up on Saturday and by pitcher number three I was starting to fade. We took a break so Mark could eat his burger. And then it happened.
“Are you Kent?”
“Nope.” I shook my head no and turned around to see the hottest little Asian girl I have ever seen. 5’3”, maybe 100 lbs (probably less), and cute as a button. She was there for some modeling promotion they were running in the back room. She was wearing a tight tank top and a short mini skirt with high heels. Trust me, if she was offering I was paying, big time. She walked away and eventually found Kent.
For the next hour Mark and I yelled back and forth, “My name’s Kent!”
Cute little Asian girl who was looking for Kent: you have posed and danced in my dreams for three nights now. Please don’t be a stranger. My name’s B to the… but you can call me Kent if that turns you on. I can provide shelter and all the rice you want. I might even be able to scrounge up a cat or two from the neighborhood.
Which brings me to today’s topic – recognition. First, let me introduce you to the FA (financial advisor). FA, can you wave to everyone? Yeah, he’s that goofy guy in the back with that funny grin. FA’s wife, can you please stand and wave to everyone also? No shit, I wondered how he landed her too; dude must go down on chicks or something.
So I got my statements from the FA’s company last night. I’ve been keeping tabs on the market lately and I knew it had jumped quite a bit in the past month so I was eager to open them. I ripped open the envelope. I yelled (more like shrieked). I crapped my pants (and I wish I was kidding on this one). I ran to the bathroom laughing all the way because the numbers were impressive and now I had another shitting-my-pants story to put in the blog. I know how much you guys like those.
Anyone’s retirement strategy should be to earn more money off your investments than you spend so you continually build on your assets. Well my friends, my investments earned more than I spent last month. Fuck, my investments earned more than I did going to work every day. Unfortunately I’m only 30 and can’t rely on the market to do that every month. Good thing too; I don’t think my penis could take all the free time.
We’re talking over 5% here. In one month. FA, if you were here right now I’d kiss you, tongue even.
Wait, the DOW went up 7.2% and the NASDAQ went up 7.6%. FA, you suck! You owe me a 5’3” Asian hooker!
(I can just see the look on his face now. After getting all that praise at the beginning to getting slammed in front of a national audience – priceless!)
To be honest, I was quite impressed with the results and always have been with the FA’s advice. While I didn’t make 7% last month like the indexes did I won’t lose 7% if the market goes back down. My port is pretty stable – something has to be in my life, might as well be it. The FA knows what he’s doing and I appreciate his services.
But I’m not letting him off on the hooker. On second thought, let’s go with a Puerto Rican.
Which brings me to another story. Last Saturday my dad and sister came over in the morning. Dad mowed the lawn and we sat down and watched the Badger game. The game was at 11:00 and they ended up leaving around 3:30. After being cooped up for four and a half hours I needed to get out. And the corner bar wasn’t open yet.
I convinced the Renter to drive to the old Sunday free pool bar. Since we bought the new pool sticks from Wal-Mart we’ve been playing pool more often. The results are still the same (with me kicking her ass), but I think she just likes prancing around with her pink pool stick.
After a while a guy named Mark came in and he and I played eight or so games. We pretty much split the games which was surprising. I don’t think I ever sobered up on Saturday and by pitcher number three I was starting to fade. We took a break so Mark could eat his burger. And then it happened.
“Are you Kent?”
“Nope.” I shook my head no and turned around to see the hottest little Asian girl I have ever seen. 5’3”, maybe 100 lbs (probably less), and cute as a button. She was there for some modeling promotion they were running in the back room. She was wearing a tight tank top and a short mini skirt with high heels. Trust me, if she was offering I was paying, big time. She walked away and eventually found Kent.
For the next hour Mark and I yelled back and forth, “My name’s Kent!”
Cute little Asian girl who was looking for Kent: you have posed and danced in my dreams for three nights now. Please don’t be a stranger. My name’s B to the… but you can call me Kent if that turns you on. I can provide shelter and all the rice you want. I might even be able to scrounge up a cat or two from the neighborhood.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Blockbuster Coupon
The FA’s wife sent me this bogus ass coupon for Blockbuster. I sent her the following email.
Come on, get your facts straight before sending something like this out! I only have 24 hours in a day, 8 of which I'm sleeping. That only leaves 16 hours during which I can play with my penis. Now that I have spent 45 minutes driving to Blockbuster only to have the clerk laugh in my face about this fake coupon, well, the way I see it you owe me 45 minutes of play time. Noting the fact that you are married to the man who has access to a lot of my money I suggest we work out some other form of repayment. How about your cousin Katie? You know how she sneers and spits and glares at me every time I see her? Well, that's love, true love baby. Those looks she gives me are just for show. Deep down inside she has a soft spot for me. And I have a hard spot for her. I know I bought the house that she was looking at buying but I think she's forgiven me for that by now. But if you think about it we'd be the perfect match. Seriously, just think about it: I'm having knee surgery, she's a nurse. Dat-da-da-dah!!! Booyah!!! A match made in heaven. I mean, besides strippers and hookers, who sees more penises in their professional line of work? You'd think she'd pretty much know what to do with it. And unlike that black hooker that left me bruised, battered, and beaten (all with a smile on my face), Katie would know how to nurture, caress, and provide for me in my time of need.
I don't like breaking legs or punching women, but there's a debt to be repaid here. Please be prompt in making these arrangements. And tell Katie to bring lube, we're going to need a lot of it.
Come on, get your facts straight before sending something like this out! I only have 24 hours in a day, 8 of which I'm sleeping. That only leaves 16 hours during which I can play with my penis. Now that I have spent 45 minutes driving to Blockbuster only to have the clerk laugh in my face about this fake coupon, well, the way I see it you owe me 45 minutes of play time. Noting the fact that you are married to the man who has access to a lot of my money I suggest we work out some other form of repayment. How about your cousin Katie? You know how she sneers and spits and glares at me every time I see her? Well, that's love, true love baby. Those looks she gives me are just for show. Deep down inside she has a soft spot for me. And I have a hard spot for her. I know I bought the house that she was looking at buying but I think she's forgiven me for that by now. But if you think about it we'd be the perfect match. Seriously, just think about it: I'm having knee surgery, she's a nurse. Dat-da-da-dah!!! Booyah!!! A match made in heaven. I mean, besides strippers and hookers, who sees more penises in their professional line of work? You'd think she'd pretty much know what to do with it. And unlike that black hooker that left me bruised, battered, and beaten (all with a smile on my face), Katie would know how to nurture, caress, and provide for me in my time of need.
I don't like breaking legs or punching women, but there's a debt to be repaid here. Please be prompt in making these arrangements. And tell Katie to bring lube, we're going to need a lot of it.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Somebody Reads This Blog!!!
Well no, not really, maybe but I doubt it. Maybe I should have gift bags and contests and prizes or something. Or I could give out free condoms (unused of course).
But I did get a phone call today from someone who actually wanted to use my penis. Yeah, I too had to read that twice after I wrote it. After I put the last post out there I figured I’d get at least a couple hundred emails from women who wanted to do me (yeah right). Emails with hot and steamy photos attached (even more far fetched). This stupid blog will never get me laid and more than likely will prevent me from getting laid. Good thing I have porn.
Around 3:00 today I got an email from an ex-coworker. It was one of those hey, how are you kind of emails and I didn’t think much of it. 3:05 my phone rang. You know someone’s pretty damn anxious if they can’t wait five minutes for a response to their email.
Yeah, like with most of my ex-coworkers, we used to do it. I shouldn’t say most of my ex-coworkers; it was only six, seven if you count the woman who put my hand on her breast in the stairwell. Talk about making my hand look small. Some of them I actually dated while others were just for fun. I believe only one of them was married. And as you can guess, none of them ended too well. (Uh, I had to pass one of them every time I had to use the bathroom, that one sucked – but she was hot.) This was all back in my younger and dumber days. But two of them have managed to acquire my number and email address as I have changed jobs and moved – two satisfied customers.
The phone conversation started out slow. I could tell she was testing the water. And then BLAM, the words dry spell and therapy and a woman has her needs came out all in the same sentence. This actually sent me backpedaling for a bit. It’s not every day that a woman calls me up looking for sex (but God that would be great). I didn’t know what to say. If you know me, you can probably guess what happened next.
Think you’ve got it?
Yeah, I declined (fucking pussy).
I don’t know why I declined. I made up some bullshit about having to lift weights (true) and do laundry (did it last night) and that I already had other plans tonight (complete bullshit). I could feel the disappointment in her tone after that. We ended the conversation that we’d put it off for another time.
Man, I turned down sex.
I’m ok, really. I still have the $10 co-pay ball handling/annual checkup coming up in November. Maybe. She wanted me to not drink for 10 days and redo some blood work. That was last November. I might have not drank for 10 days total in that time span. Yeah, I’m kicking the bucket at 40.
But I did get a phone call today from someone who actually wanted to use my penis. Yeah, I too had to read that twice after I wrote it. After I put the last post out there I figured I’d get at least a couple hundred emails from women who wanted to do me (yeah right). Emails with hot and steamy photos attached (even more far fetched). This stupid blog will never get me laid and more than likely will prevent me from getting laid. Good thing I have porn.
Around 3:00 today I got an email from an ex-coworker. It was one of those hey, how are you kind of emails and I didn’t think much of it. 3:05 my phone rang. You know someone’s pretty damn anxious if they can’t wait five minutes for a response to their email.
Yeah, like with most of my ex-coworkers, we used to do it. I shouldn’t say most of my ex-coworkers; it was only six, seven if you count the woman who put my hand on her breast in the stairwell. Talk about making my hand look small. Some of them I actually dated while others were just for fun. I believe only one of them was married. And as you can guess, none of them ended too well. (Uh, I had to pass one of them every time I had to use the bathroom, that one sucked – but she was hot.) This was all back in my younger and dumber days. But two of them have managed to acquire my number and email address as I have changed jobs and moved – two satisfied customers.
The phone conversation started out slow. I could tell she was testing the water. And then BLAM, the words dry spell and therapy and a woman has her needs came out all in the same sentence. This actually sent me backpedaling for a bit. It’s not every day that a woman calls me up looking for sex (but God that would be great). I didn’t know what to say. If you know me, you can probably guess what happened next.
Think you’ve got it?
Yeah, I declined (fucking pussy).
I don’t know why I declined. I made up some bullshit about having to lift weights (true) and do laundry (did it last night) and that I already had other plans tonight (complete bullshit). I could feel the disappointment in her tone after that. We ended the conversation that we’d put it off for another time.
Man, I turned down sex.
I’m ok, really. I still have the $10 co-pay ball handling/annual checkup coming up in November. Maybe. She wanted me to not drink for 10 days and redo some blood work. That was last November. I might have not drank for 10 days total in that time span. Yeah, I’m kicking the bucket at 40.
Packers Vs. Bears?
How are the Packers 3 point favorites at home against the 1-3 Chicago Bears? Granted the Packers aren’t a super power like the Colts or the Patriots but they’re still 4-0 and playing a team that just swapped one bad QB for another bad QB. I usually don’t like betting on the Packers (home team and all) and if I did it would probably be for $20 or so, but since it’s the late game… CATCH UP BET TIME!!! I’ll be going with the green and gold, baby.
In other news, Stifler is 31 today. Happy birthday Stiff Meister.
In other news, Stifler is 31 today. Happy birthday Stiff Meister.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Update on the MRI
Since the NFL season is upon us it only seems fitting that the MRI results came back the way they did: inconclusive. I got a call from the doctor’s office today. I guess the radiologist thought it was a cartilage tear and my doctor thought it was the ACL. They’re going to go over it together and call me tomorrow (Wednesday). Either way I don’t think it looks good. The knee doesn’t hurt much anymore and the swelling has gone down but I don’t think either one of those injuries will heal on its own. I’m just hoping that if surgery is necessary that I’ll be off of crutches by the time the snow starts to fall. I’ve done that before, not fun.
What’s up with the New England Patriots? They only scored 34 points last night after scoring 38 in each of their first three games. Not that it mattered; they still won and covered the 8 point spread. I started the day up $6, ended the day up $11. Yeah, I laid the lumber on the Pats.
Sitting at the bar last night the Renter asked me what I was going to get her for her birthday. Boy, wrong question to ask me. I look at birthdays like I do Valentine’s Day: fuck ‘em. I don’t ask for or expect anything from anyone for my birthdays. It’s just another day for me, nothing special about them. I bought her breakfast but she’s lucky she got that. And I was hungry and needed a ride. Worked out nicely.
I wish I had some good, nasty stories for you but life on the corner has been pretty tame lately. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, kind of nice for a change. I haven’t been to the casino since the spending spree where I bought enough toilet paper to last me for three months. I haven’t puked or crapped my pants or peed in the kitchen sink in quite some time. I think I might be house trained now. Hell, the Renter’s DVD player hasn’t been working so I haven’t even whacked off in who knows how long (oh God, I do remember, twice last Thursday, it’s been four days now). Ladies, any takers to help me out? Seriously, get your emails in quickly, first cum first served. Anyone? Hello?
(Email must not be working.)
Anyway, tonight is weights and wash. I have a big ass pile of clothes in my room and I haven’t touched a weight since last Thursday. While I’ll be limited in the exercises I can do with the knee and all I still need to do something in order to keep my feminine figure intact. God I’d be an ugly woman, 6’5” and 230 lbs. Fuck.
But, sadly, I think I am picking up some feminine qualities. A week and a half ago I bought a 61” TV. I bought underwear and tp and deodorant and razors the same day. You’d think I’d be sick of the shopping thing. But then the unexpected came in the mail yesterday: 30% off coupon at Kohls. Besides the daily necessities that I buy at Walmart, Kohls is the only place I shop for clothes. Kohls is the only place where I can find jeans that are actually long enough for my chicken legs. Every day at work I’m wearing 100% Kohls clothes. I could use some new socks, shirts and pants for work. I could use some new jeans but there’s just one problem: the waist. My waist has been going down lately and I don’t know if it will keep doing that or what; kind of has a mind of its own. Unlike my stretch fit old man pants that I wear for work, jeans don’t stretch. And my ass was getting bigger (muscular) from doing squats but now that the status of the knee is up in the air I’m sure my ass will go back down to normal. Fuck, listen to me bitch, whine, and moan. I’m turning into a woman.
But I’m going shopping for 30% off!!! Wee!!!
What’s up with the New England Patriots? They only scored 34 points last night after scoring 38 in each of their first three games. Not that it mattered; they still won and covered the 8 point spread. I started the day up $6, ended the day up $11. Yeah, I laid the lumber on the Pats.
Sitting at the bar last night the Renter asked me what I was going to get her for her birthday. Boy, wrong question to ask me. I look at birthdays like I do Valentine’s Day: fuck ‘em. I don’t ask for or expect anything from anyone for my birthdays. It’s just another day for me, nothing special about them. I bought her breakfast but she’s lucky she got that. And I was hungry and needed a ride. Worked out nicely.
I wish I had some good, nasty stories for you but life on the corner has been pretty tame lately. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, kind of nice for a change. I haven’t been to the casino since the spending spree where I bought enough toilet paper to last me for three months. I haven’t puked or crapped my pants or peed in the kitchen sink in quite some time. I think I might be house trained now. Hell, the Renter’s DVD player hasn’t been working so I haven’t even whacked off in who knows how long (oh God, I do remember, twice last Thursday, it’s been four days now). Ladies, any takers to help me out? Seriously, get your emails in quickly, first cum first served. Anyone? Hello?
(Email must not be working.)
Anyway, tonight is weights and wash. I have a big ass pile of clothes in my room and I haven’t touched a weight since last Thursday. While I’ll be limited in the exercises I can do with the knee and all I still need to do something in order to keep my feminine figure intact. God I’d be an ugly woman, 6’5” and 230 lbs. Fuck.
But, sadly, I think I am picking up some feminine qualities. A week and a half ago I bought a 61” TV. I bought underwear and tp and deodorant and razors the same day. You’d think I’d be sick of the shopping thing. But then the unexpected came in the mail yesterday: 30% off coupon at Kohls. Besides the daily necessities that I buy at Walmart, Kohls is the only place I shop for clothes. Kohls is the only place where I can find jeans that are actually long enough for my chicken legs. Every day at work I’m wearing 100% Kohls clothes. I could use some new socks, shirts and pants for work. I could use some new jeans but there’s just one problem: the waist. My waist has been going down lately and I don’t know if it will keep doing that or what; kind of has a mind of its own. Unlike my stretch fit old man pants that I wear for work, jeans don’t stretch. And my ass was getting bigger (muscular) from doing squats but now that the status of the knee is up in the air I’m sure my ass will go back down to normal. Fuck, listen to me bitch, whine, and moan. I’m turning into a woman.
But I’m going shopping for 30% off!!! Wee!!!
Bets and the G-men
Oh, Jenna Jameson. Oh, Jenna Jameson. Oh, oh, oh…
[Ready? Action!]
[Lights go on.]
Zzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiipppppppp!!!!!!!
Welcome back ladies and gentlemen for yet another exciting episode here on The Gravitation to the Corner Bar. [Cheers, applause.] Yes, yes, thank you, thank you very much. In today’s show we are going to cover a topic that I firmly believe in and practice on an all too often basis. The topic for today is the catch up bet.
The catch up bet occurs when your weekend bets on college and pro football totally suck donkey dick. Worse yet, Afghan donkey dick.
My weekend started with West Virginia losing to South Florida. Who? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said till I found out that South Florida was ranked. Whatever, I can let one game slide. Saturday afternoon I watched highlights of Penn State losing to Illinois. Since when did Illinois have a football team? And then the Ducks of Oregon lost to the Bears of Cal. After watching Oregon tear apart Michigan I figured they could beat even a good PAC 10 team. Nope. Fuck, down $88.
Sunday didn’t fare much better. First the Jets lost to the winless Buffalo Bills. Then the Atlanta game went over the total (who knew Joey Harrington could throw TD passes?). In the afternoon games I had Seattle (winner!) and Pittsburgh (loser). I was up $40 from the previous weekend but after this weekend’s slaughter (1-7) I was down $94. Tired, dejected, and drunk, I did what any true gambler does in these situations: the catch up bet.
I mulled over the Eagles/Giants game for the good part of an hour. The Eagles had just had an outstanding game against the Detroit Lions but their starting running back was out. The Giants were coming off a second half rally against a decent Washington Redskins team. I was torn between the two teams. But then I started thinking; there were a lot of home dogs that had won outright and the Giants were a three point home dog. In the end the time of possession for the decision was Eagles 55 minutes, Giants 5 minutes, with the Giants claiming the final 5 minutes. I took the G-men for a hundo.
After sitting at the bar from 11:30 to 7:00 I was pretty much beered out so I packed up my shit and headed home. To my giddy delight I found the game on one of the funky digital channels way up in the hundreds. The game came in bright, crisp, and clear. Yeah, it was good.
The Giants played a damn good game. Towards the end I started feeling sorry for Eagle’s quarterback McNabb as he was sacked 11 or 12 times. I was surprised he could still walk after the game with his surgically repaired knee and all. But the Giants won and I was a happy camper. Instead of being down $204 I was up $6. Just a little bit of a swing there.
(During the game my doorbell rang. It was pretty weird because nobody rings my doorbell and certainly not at 9:00 at night. Turns out it was one of the next door neighbors. Early on Saturday I had stopped one of his friends to find out who owned the grey Mercury that’s usually parked on the street. At first his friend was like “What Mercury?” till I told him I saw another neighbor back into his door and drive off on Friday morning. Good thing for that early MRI appointment otherwise I still would have been sleeping. So I gave the guy a pen and paper since I was pretty much done by that point, gave him my info and wished him good luck. I guess the broad who backed into his car was denying it all.)
(And then the Renter’s car almost took one on Saturday, parked in the same spot as the neighbor’s on Friday. Some broad in a full size pickup was backing up while talking on her cell phone. Pops and I couldn’t believe that the Renter’s car didn’t get hit. I had started to walk over just incase the woman decided to drive just like the one on Friday. You won’t find me parking my car there ever again.)
All in all it was a good weekend. Pops and I fixed the rotten boards that were falling off the garage on Saturday and watched a close Badger game. I got shit loads of sleep after getting shit faced early on Saturday and Sunday. And we had good weather in the mid 60’s. Couldn’t have asked for much more.
Oh, and the FA did some research on the TV bulb. After 10 minutes on the phone he too agreed that I should conserve the bulb so BOOYAH!!! (Although he did mention that I’m a dick and an ass but I can live with that.)
[Ready? Action!]
[Lights go on.]
Zzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiipppppppp!!!!!!!
Welcome back ladies and gentlemen for yet another exciting episode here on The Gravitation to the Corner Bar. [Cheers, applause.] Yes, yes, thank you, thank you very much. In today’s show we are going to cover a topic that I firmly believe in and practice on an all too often basis. The topic for today is the catch up bet.
The catch up bet occurs when your weekend bets on college and pro football totally suck donkey dick. Worse yet, Afghan donkey dick.
My weekend started with West Virginia losing to South Florida. Who? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said till I found out that South Florida was ranked. Whatever, I can let one game slide. Saturday afternoon I watched highlights of Penn State losing to Illinois. Since when did Illinois have a football team? And then the Ducks of Oregon lost to the Bears of Cal. After watching Oregon tear apart Michigan I figured they could beat even a good PAC 10 team. Nope. Fuck, down $88.
Sunday didn’t fare much better. First the Jets lost to the winless Buffalo Bills. Then the Atlanta game went over the total (who knew Joey Harrington could throw TD passes?). In the afternoon games I had Seattle (winner!) and Pittsburgh (loser). I was up $40 from the previous weekend but after this weekend’s slaughter (1-7) I was down $94. Tired, dejected, and drunk, I did what any true gambler does in these situations: the catch up bet.
I mulled over the Eagles/Giants game for the good part of an hour. The Eagles had just had an outstanding game against the Detroit Lions but their starting running back was out. The Giants were coming off a second half rally against a decent Washington Redskins team. I was torn between the two teams. But then I started thinking; there were a lot of home dogs that had won outright and the Giants were a three point home dog. In the end the time of possession for the decision was Eagles 55 minutes, Giants 5 minutes, with the Giants claiming the final 5 minutes. I took the G-men for a hundo.
After sitting at the bar from 11:30 to 7:00 I was pretty much beered out so I packed up my shit and headed home. To my giddy delight I found the game on one of the funky digital channels way up in the hundreds. The game came in bright, crisp, and clear. Yeah, it was good.
The Giants played a damn good game. Towards the end I started feeling sorry for Eagle’s quarterback McNabb as he was sacked 11 or 12 times. I was surprised he could still walk after the game with his surgically repaired knee and all. But the Giants won and I was a happy camper. Instead of being down $204 I was up $6. Just a little bit of a swing there.
(During the game my doorbell rang. It was pretty weird because nobody rings my doorbell and certainly not at 9:00 at night. Turns out it was one of the next door neighbors. Early on Saturday I had stopped one of his friends to find out who owned the grey Mercury that’s usually parked on the street. At first his friend was like “What Mercury?” till I told him I saw another neighbor back into his door and drive off on Friday morning. Good thing for that early MRI appointment otherwise I still would have been sleeping. So I gave the guy a pen and paper since I was pretty much done by that point, gave him my info and wished him good luck. I guess the broad who backed into his car was denying it all.)
(And then the Renter’s car almost took one on Saturday, parked in the same spot as the neighbor’s on Friday. Some broad in a full size pickup was backing up while talking on her cell phone. Pops and I couldn’t believe that the Renter’s car didn’t get hit. I had started to walk over just incase the woman decided to drive just like the one on Friday. You won’t find me parking my car there ever again.)
All in all it was a good weekend. Pops and I fixed the rotten boards that were falling off the garage on Saturday and watched a close Badger game. I got shit loads of sleep after getting shit faced early on Saturday and Sunday. And we had good weather in the mid 60’s. Couldn’t have asked for much more.
Oh, and the FA did some research on the TV bulb. After 10 minutes on the phone he too agreed that I should conserve the bulb so BOOYAH!!! (Although he did mention that I’m a dick and an ass but I can live with that.)
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