Taco Bell and Fifth Meal

I had to write the following to Taco Bell today. I was not happy.

Dear Taco Bell,

I know you advertise your late meals as fourth meal, and let me tell you, I love fourth meal. Your steak teqitos along with ample sour cream are just to die for at midnight after a good night of drinking. But you see, fourth meal just isn’t enough for me. I also enjoy fifth meal, an extra menu item that’s designated for consumption in the morning (if you bastards market that I’d better be getting a cut). I personally don’t like the teqitoes nuked in the morning. I prefer the standard bean burrito. It heats up well in the microwave and tastes just like it would have the previous night.

I didn’t get a bean burrito last night. I ordered a bean burrito, but I didn’t get one.

I realized this at midnight on Sunday. There was no way my roommate would take my intoxicated ass back to your store to get the bean burrito that was listed on the receipt. Instead I angrily stuffed the receipt in my wallet so I would remember to write to you today.

This morning I sat at my desk and stared at my computer while my stomach desperately ached for a bean burrito. I told it in the kindest words possible that there wouldn’t be a bean burrito this morning but it didn’t take it too well. I tried some week-old carrots and celery but that didn’t do it. Eventually I had to break down and get a slice of pizza from the creepy cafeteria woman. Greasy pizza vs. bean burrito = bean burrito with a knockout in the first round. I went to the gym during lunch and burped up pizza sauce the whole time. I almost puked a couple of times.

I’m sure there’s some way we can amicably work this out. I’m not looking for bean burritos for life or anything, but for all my trouble I figure one a day for ten years might do it. If that doesn’t work for you we might have to take this case to litigation.

Awe, fuck it, who wants to go to court. I suppose we can settle out of court for a coupon (or two) for a free bean burrito. What do you say?