Nike Keeping Tiger as an Endorser of...

Zombies and Other Scary Things

Why did I watch Resident Evil 3, The Hills Have Eyes, and The Hills Have Eyes 2 knowing full well that I'd be working alone the next day in an office where the lights go off every hour and a half on the weekends?

Yahoo!, Tiger Back in Rehab?

Tiger is making his statement today and will be returning to rehab. I whack off every day, have 20 hours of porn on my cell phone, and "browse" (stalk) women on Yahoo! Personals and post their pictures on my getting lamer by the minute blog. Who really needs help here? Ladies, any offers?

Kentucky Grammar, Part 2

After their OT win at Miss State, DeMarcus Cousins was quoted, "This is probably one of the toughest places we've done played this year." Mr. Cousins, dear friends, will be a multimillionaire this summer. Mr. Cousins will also have a posse, a baby momma, and an unregistered hand gun, preferably a Glock (if he doesn't have all that already, being under Coach Calipari and all).

Hightop Nikes?

Didn't know they still made those (as shown on a cast member of the Jersey Shore, naturaly).

NBA All Star Game

Crime finna be high in Texas tonight, All Star game and all.

Rupp Arena

The Kentucky Wildcats play at 8:00 central time. ESPN is doing their College Game Day presentation today from Rupp Arena. The place is packed with students ten hours before tip off. What are we teaching college students today?

Blue Grass Cuntry

Kentucky players skip Spelling For Third Graders class for foto opportunity (check out John Wall's jersey spelling "Kentcuky").

Workout + Laziness = Pain

Ya'll know that I like to lift weights. I like being 230 lbs, just slightly larger than the average guy. But sometimes when I'm in the basement throwing weights around I just want to be done with it. Usually there's a game on that I want to watch or I'm nearing the end time of a food special at the corner bar.

Last week Wednesday was one of those days. I had some awesome "picks" on the college basketball games and wanted to watch them in style, beer and cigarette in hand. I had finished the wide grip chin ups, underhand chin ups and overhand chin ups. I could already feel my back muscles were getting tight with fatigue. I usually do my rowing exercises with a hand and a knee on the bench while pulling a 90 lb dumbbell up and down (see diagram #1). In this case three sets starts to feel like six doing each arm individually. I wanted to get done sooner so I threw two 45 lb plates on the bar to do bent over rows (see diagram #2). Everything seemed to go ok and I was done in a jiffy.

Two days later I could hardly raise my arm above my shoulder. Four days later, instead of doing shoulder presses with 60 lb dumbbells I was struggling with 20 pounders. Nine days later and it still pains me to hold a phone to my head when I need two hands on the computer. I don't know what I pulled but I'm starting to think I should get it checked out, and I absolutely hate going to see a doctor or chiropractor.

Lesson learned, though: don't try to cheat on your workout or you will pay for it later.

SB Halftime Show

I can hear The Who jamming out but I'm in the shitter because I forgot to poop today. Only the biggest football game of the year...

Portland/Gonzaga

I don't like Gonzaga. I especially don't like Matt Bouldin, pictured above. So I placed a $60 wager on the team they were playing last night, Portland. Boy was I wrong. Then I started to feel bad because my normal bet is just $20. But do you know what cheared me up? I lost $2,750 on the stock market on Thursday. In the gayest voice ever can we all say "Yah"!

Should change the blog name to "The Best Guide to Losing in Every Aspect of Life" or "Stick IT (Any Object) in My Ass, I Might Like it."

I consider any other suggestions you might have.

ExtenZe

Former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson will be promoting ExtenZe male-enhancement pill? I still think Terry Bradshaw's naked ass on the big screen was the best.

Something You Will Never Hear

"Is Kurt Warner really done? If be did come back who do you think he'd play for?"

Living in Wisconsin and retiring quarterbacks has jaded me.

Rumor Has It That...

...there are pictures of Greg Oden's 40 year old penis floating around out there on the interwebs.

Robbed

Playing pool last night, same setup as above, and the guy I'm playing makes the eight in the side and "somehow" the one ball ends up moving to the rail. The only way the one moves straight to the rail is if he hit it first, which would be a foul in our BCA league. But of course our team captain was in the other building talking to the woman who drives his car even though they're not dating (captain? more like asstain) and the guy I'm playing is twice my age so I'm not going to give him shit. I just got fucked.

One of these days...

I can see it coming...

Gayness...

I've been told I'd fit in all too well.

Room Full Of...

I have a room in my house that is dedicated to Converse Chuck Taylor's and purses. Contrary to popular belief, neither of these are mine.

Shit’s Been A’Flying

Last week one of my friends brought a copy of People Magazine up to the bar (he gets it delivered to his house, and he says he’s not gay). This issue had the photos of Heidi Montag and her before and after having ten surgeries in one day procedure. I’ll admit, I drooled for a good 3(0) minutes. Then the Renter showed up. There was another article in there about some broad who weighed 126 pounds and people thought she was fat. I took one look at her picture and stated that yeah, for being 5’1” and in an issue of People Magazine, she certainly could lose a little weight. The chick had some thick arms on her. Then the Renter asked me if New Girl was thin. After looking at Heidi Montag I had to say no, New Girl was not thin in my eyes. Somehow that turned in to New Girl being fat which I totally did not say. That turned in to the Renter looking up this blog and reading off where I said I’d “brain fuck the New Girl but I wouldn’t get very far.” The extent of my relationship with women…

Anyway, the New Girl has been bringing some of her pretty hot friends up to the bar. One was a tall blonde who demanded the attention of the whole bar. I tried to blow her off a little but she caught my attention when she spread her legs with a short skirt on. Memorable conversation piece: So, do you have a boyfriend? Why do you ask, I thought you were taken?

I might as well go gay.

Another girl she brought up was pretty much my dream girl. Cute, nice smile, decent body, but the girl knew her sports. Instant woody. Of course that night I had the annoying Neighbor Boy sitting in between us so that made it a little hard to talk to her. And as it turned out she had a boyfriend anyway so yeah…

I might as well go gay.

I guess I pretty much assume that nobody reads this shit but apparently I have a follower in Michigan. My neighbor Mr. Fudd got a hysterical call the other day because his ex-girlfriend thought that he was the one making out with the much younger girl last week Saturday. Trust me, Mr. Fudd ain’t that lucky. I do have other neighbors, sweety.

Cute Pic

Cute pic for you. Sorry, that's all I've got. Been buzy.

Best Weight Loss Plan Ever

I mentioned before that I have just gotten over the flu for the third time in two and a half months. I know, that’s pretty hard to believe, three times in 75 days, but I’m not joking. The last bout was the worst. When I say that I was shitting 80 times a day I’m not lying. The margin of error on that number is probably 5. With the combination of not eating anything but saltine cracks and water and shitting that many times I have lost a good deal of weight. Even after fixing the shitting problem (thank you Imodium A-D!) I still didn’t have much of an appetite. The end result: I’ve lost a lot of weight.

I first noticed it in my waist. I can usually take the puppy around the block in my jeans without a belt on but now they just fall off me. I had to adjust my belt a notch smaller when I got ready for work today. I must have lost a lot because a couple of my co-workers mentioned it. So, yeh, cool, nothing wrong with losing some poundage around the waist region.

But then as the day went on I noticed something else. The short sleeved polo shirt (by far not the brand name, just the style) that I was wearing has a stretchy cuff at the bottom of the arms around the bicep area. This cuff used to be fairly snug against my arm. To my horror it was no longer snug. It wasn’t even close to being snug, more like two inches from being snug. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not like one of those goofs on The Jersey Shore who work out two hours a day and pose in the mirror another two hours. But I do check myself out for 20 seconds before I hop in the shower after a workout. I do glance in the mirror while playing pool to check out my arm definition. I like being bigger than the average guy. But now, ugh… Just a little depressing.

On a brighter note a hot female roughly ten years younger than I told me I was “cute” on Saturday. She actually said it twice because I wasn’t really expecting someone that hot and young to say that to me, unprovoked, as I walked past her. Of course at the end of the night she was making out with my much older neighbor but hey, I’m still cute. And last week while shooting pool one of the girls on the other team pointed at me and said, “he’s the hottest one.”

So you don’t have to feel too bad for me.

Super Bowl Halftime

Nothing wrong with "The Who", but for the halftime show at the Super Bowl? Got me on that one.

Maybe Brittany Spears hasn't shaved her crotch in a while.