The Gravitation to the Corner Bar

Joy Shaw

2012-01-28T19:48:00.001-06:00

I know, you work for Turbo Tax, but you are the hottest over 50 CPA I've ever met (on Tv). Please call me.

Birdman $5 Million Bet

2012-01-26T19:07:00.001-06:00

I saw on Yahoo! that Bryan "Birdman aka Baby" Williams posted on his Twitter account that he wanted to wager $5 million on the Patriots to win (no mention of against the spread or the money line). "Birdman" was listed on Forbes as having made $15 million last year. For the record, my self imposed nickname of "Slap Dick," a combination of my humor and my affinity for playing with my penis, is much better than "Birdman aka Baby." But my favorite comment listed below the article: Anyone else just suddenly become a Giants fan for no reason?

Classic.

3 Beers, 2 Nights

2012-01-25T19:28:00.001-06:00

I've had three beers the last two nights. Monday, after a full Sunday of NFL playoffs and a Gold Rush marathon, I didn't even feel like drinking. Tuesday, just out of habit, I had three beers right after work. Just with this small, small two day sample I've noticed two things. The first wuld be the totally fucked up dreams I've had. Ex girlfriends, ex girlfriends families, reliving meetings at work (and what I wanted to say at them, with no employment consequences), encounters with my family, extended family included that I haven't seen in years, you name it, my overactive brain cells have thought it (the ten or so cells that are left). The second thing I've noticed, which contradicts the dreaming/sleeping frustrations, is that I'm wiped out by 7:00 pm. You would think, after barely being able to keep my eyes open watching Marquette dismantle Central Florida, that going to sleep at 10:00 wouldn't be a problem. I'm going to guess cutting out 2,000 calories would lead to the 7:00 lack of energy.

Isn't the average caloric intake for a man supposed to be 2,000? I'm sure I eat that at the cafeteria at work every day and just double it for desert (beer) when I get home.

Ah yes, the glorious life that I have.

This blog used to be funny, no? I mean like years, years back?

Gold Rush

2012-01-22T14:27:00.001-06:00

With a Gold Rush marathon going on, I had to re-hookup the 22". roped in to searching for gold, the New England game (which I have $20 on) takes a back seat.

Relationships

2012-01-22T00:16:00.001-06:00

The "Goonies," Mikey and his older brother Brand, totally the Renter's and mine relationship. I'd be Brand, or course, man of the house, and hopefully Mikey would be more like Michelle.

Explaination

2012-01-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

I feel a little bad. Most of my posts this last year have come from my cell phone. Short posts, kind of like the Twitter of blogging. Twitter, I still don't know what that's all about.

I've fired up my laptop about six times in the last six months. So posting from my phone, full keyboard and all, the posts have been short, to the point.

Life on my end over here is ok. I've been doing nothing much, and much of nothing. More or less trying to keep friends that I have, certainly not making new friends. I mean, it's me, for God's sake. Unless there are willing and able/flexible ladies out there...

It's coming to that time to send the FA $5,000 for the Roth-I-can't-touch-till-I'm-old-IRA. But the thing is, I don't know if I'll get old. I turn 35 this year. I'd like to think, conservatively thinking, that this is the halfway point. Why sock away that much cash that you may or may not even use, or get to use without tax penalties, in the future? Not like I'd just blow $5,000, but to have it locked in for 25 years? 25 years. Wow. I've done it every other year in the past, but now I think I'm, I don't know, more conservative, or more drunk, one or the other, to put money away like that that I can't touch. More than likely more drunk, if that's even possible.

I think the Renter raped me today. Here's how it started...

A friend plowed out my driveway today. I felt obligated to have some beers, at his request, for plowing the snow. What started as a 10:00 outing lasted most of the afternoon. And multiple bars. And multiple beers. The first bar wasn't open yet so we hit another. Once 11:00 passed we went to the bar with the nice bathroom, good shitters and all. After drinking there for free (we offered our other friend's snow shovelling services), we went to yet another bar, and another. To top it off we went to the Mexican restaurant that the old corner bar manager recently opened. I drunkenly said "Hi" to her kid, her hubby, ordered the steak tacos and made my way out. I know them too well, too well to be that tipsy in their establishment. I think their son looks up to me to a point, I don't know why, well, being sexy and well liked by everyone, but that's not the point. Sexy, yes, but...

I got home. The Renter was in the shower. I went to go lay down in my bed, drunk, tired. The Renter, she, she, took my pants off and straddled me. She fondled my nether regions till it grew to it's full eleven inches. I felt like I was back in sixth grade when Mr., I mean Mrs. Shroeder kept me after class, extra credit and all.. He, I mean she, said I was his, er her, best student. Extra credit was good, back in the days. Extra. Credit.

But today, the Renter, the raper. Looking back on it now, wasn't that bad. A little too much work on my part, though. I admit it, I was on top for a bit, but only by force. Somehow she forced me to put my eleven inch appendage in her multiple, multiple times, but Barney Stinsen like, she left afterwards, left better friends, better conversations (certainly not better sex, I mean rapeage). I don't blame her. Good for her. The raper. Unfortunately I didn't orgasm, no physical evidence.

Scene of the crime. A great 80's "Who Done It."

So this is what happens when i actually pull out the laptop and spend some time on this website.

And it's only ten, I lied.

Light and Fluffy

2012-01-21T08:20:00.001-06:00

We had our work holiday party last night. However, because we had about four inches of light and fluffy snow, the staff turnout was a little poor. The city streets wound up being as messy as the last time I thought I was going to let a light and fluffy fart slip out. Not pretty.

Six Bar Tacos

2012-01-18T21:38:00.001-06:00

I haven't been going out much lately. I used to go out every night to the bar that was 60 steps from my house but since it closed I've been staying home most nights. I still get out on the weekends, but $.44 Milwaukee's Best Light are the norm now. I think this whole American economy has another downturn coming. If I'm not spending money, cheap as I am, who is?

Needless to say I went out on Tuesday night. The bar I went to had $1.50 tacos, the whole Taco Tuesday thing. They were busy so I just ordered two around 7:00. They stopped serving at 10:00 and since it didn't look like anyone else was getting them I asked if they still had taco meat left and ordered four more. I was trying to help out a small bar while filling my stomach.

I was late to work on Wednesday. What I initially thought would end up spewing out my mouth came out my ass, with force. Worse than the last time I had the flu.

After getting to work late I spent another 30 minutes on the shitter. Thankfully after 10:00 my system leveled out and I felt better, but that lesson will live with me forever: do not get food from a bar that doesn't cook food seven days a week.

Intervention

2012-01-16T19:54:00.001-06:00

I thought I was helping my Mom move. I walked in and my whole family was there.

"We've come here to address yor drinking."

My sister was in town from where ever she's doing her sixth year of college.

My Dad was in from Florida, 22 hour drive.

"We have chosen this facility in Miami, they'll get you off the beer that you so, so love. As a motivational tool, they tell us you'll get a pool side blowjob every day!"

Sign me up.

Actually, MLK Day, off from work, I felt a little bad drinking beer while watching "Intervention."

I told the Renter this. She said I had a sexual addiction. I said I had a lack of blowjobs addiction. Whacking off before I lift weights is totally a muscle warmup.

Noise Nuisance

2012-01-08T16:54:00.002-06:00

A car horn is not to be used as a door bell.

H & R Block Ad

2012-01-08T16:06:00.001-06:00

Would you really go on TV if you fucked up your taxes by $8,000? I wouldn't.

New Year's Resolution 2012

2012-01-04T19:27:00.000-06:00

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to put more effort into lifting weights in the basement. I've used this tender elbow as an excuse for the past six months but that has to stop. I've finally figured out what I can and can't do as far as not making my elbow worse and now that I know this I should be ok. The ultimate goal, unlike most people, is to actually gain weight, get back to 230 lbs so I can fill out my suits again. Nothing worse than being in a meeting with an ill fitting suit. Just ask Barney Stinsen.

11 Days Off

2011-12-23T09:29:00.001-06:00

I have 11 days off for the hollidays. I'll probably end up going in one day just to keep my agency running, but that's why they pay me the big bucks (1% raises the last four years). But, on my first day off, I celebrated watching the Dan Patrick show at 8:00 am with a bottle of Fat Tire. The start of a great vacation.

8:30pm, Sunday Night

2011-12-18T20:43:00.000-06:00

Either I pissed off all my peeps or they're all drunk and in bed

50/50 on that.

The Most Endearing Compliment

2011-12-17T15:21:00.001-06:00

The Renter: I don't know what it is, but when he's on vacation mode he goes hardcore from 11:00 am to 11:00 pm. It's like he flips a switch and drinks all day and he's able to hang like a champ.

We have a little getaway planned to the Wisconsin Dells. There's a resort that offers two nights for two people for $100 a night. Oh, and all the food and booze is included. I intend to take full advantage of their offer. I wouldn't be surprised if they ask me to never come back.

48 hr Flu

2011-12-08T22:16:00.001-06:00

On Monday I had a couple pichers after work. No big deal, nothing to get me woozy or anything. After I got home I had another four beers andwent to bed at 9:30.

1:30 am I felt a controversy brewing in my stomach that I hadn't felt in years. I got up and hugged the toilet that I have rectolly defiled many times but cleaned much fewer. I hurled what few contents I had in my stomach with gutwrenching force.

Even worse at 3:30 with even fewer contents left to dispose.

I managed to stay home from work on Tuesday to recouperate, getting up every hour to flush my bowels.

I made it to work on Wednesday and didn't even have to use the spare pants/underware that I brought. I was pooped by the end of the day, but I hadn't soiled my shorts.

I finally got hungry Wednesday night and went to the gas station for a pre-packaged hame sandwich. Very over priced put I don't have food in my house.

That night was almost worse than the puking night. I tossed and turned all night, looking at the clock every 15 minutes. I don't know if I actually slept enough to have dreams but I had images of watching the running of the bulls and the Rose Bowl from a pool at Penn State with two women playing with my penis (I know, shrinkage!). In the morning I dug through the garbage and read all the preservatives that were in that sandwich. I got no sleep at all, but...

If that stupid sandwich gave me those dreams I might be up for a second round.

Breakfast of Champions

2011-11-30T21:18:00.000-06:00

This was my breakfast today. Hit the spot pretty well. But mind you, I'm kind of lactose intolerant. Didn't think I'd make it back from City Hall this afternoon without shitting myself.

Four Day Weekend

2011-11-28T21:28:00.001-06:00

Wow. You go from drinking twelve hours a day to being resposible for eight. Tough transition. For normal people, this wouldn't be an issue.

I'm not normal.

Black Friday

2011-11-25T18:28:00.001-06:00

Part of me wants to stay up and see what the Renter bought on Black Friday, but 95% of me wants to go to bed.

Subway, Eat Fresh

2011-11-22T14:08:00.001-06:00

It started at 11:00. The bar offered free beer for an hour before the Packer game. I had my fair share. I mean, free beer. Free beer.

Fast forward four, five, or six hours. No, wait, I don't remember those. But the Packers won!

Monday, I got the text. "You owe me dinner!" My friend said we stopped at Subway. I ordered my sub and walked out leaving him to pay. I ate the whole footlong on the one mile trip home. "I've never seen anyone eat so fast!"

I have no recollection of this. It could have happened, or my friend might just be trying to get $5 off me. Either scenario is viable.

But if true, I think that's a pretty darn good indicator that one drinks too much.

Sleeping Quarters

2011-11-16T18:58:00.001-06:00

I have, what some ladies have told me, a mild case of a sleeping disorder. It's one of those things where you stop breathing for a bit - or up to a minute as I have been reported to do. So, while under this nasal congestion ordeal that I'm going through, I've been a bit concerned about, well, waking up. Monday night I "slept" with my head upright against the wall. Numerous times I woke up to a close-to-90°, ear on shoulder neck whip; a rather painfull way to wake up. So tonight I arranged my pillows in the corner of my room to cradle my mellon. I'm not hoping to sleep like a baby, just sleep and wake up Thursday morning. Wish me some sweet zzz's (just not too many!).

(That pink blanket is for the puppy, I swear!)

Popping Pills

2011-11-15T19:58:00.001-06:00

I usually don't like taking pills. I might take eight Advils a year, just for headaches. But Monday, man, I came down with something that completely blocked my head up. My right nostrile was completely closed.

I had to run to City Hall today for work so I decided to stop at Walgreen's on my way there. Years ago I would always get the name Tylenol Cold/Flu stuff and it would clear me right up. I didn't mind paying extra for the name brand.

I couldn't find it today. Everything had the Walgreen's brand on it. So I got the congestion relieving gel caps and continued on.

Like a junkie I fought with the packaging at City Hall, right in front of the bubbler, much to the amusement of passerbyes. Nothing like fumbling with pills in a busy hallway.

But wouldn't you know it, by the time I got back to the office I could breathe! It was awesome! Three and a half hours later I was a mess. I had gone through 40 sheets of paper towels, my nose was running like a drippy faucet and there was no end in sight. It was ugly. The stacks of paper on my desk took the worst of it (besides my nose).

I looked closer at the back of the box. "Promotes sinus draining." Had they put that on the front of the box, in a font that was easily readable, I never would have bought the shit.

Worst Joke Ever

2011-11-11T15:01:00.001-06:00

A little prelude to this story.

The last seven years of my professional life I've worked with an anti-drug enforcement agency. Seven years, a long time.

I am the accountant/HR bitch. Typically not the position that humorous people hold. I try my best to keep the office light-hearted, passing all my bad humor to my co-workers in hope that they laugh. Mind you, I'm still an accountant, little to no humor in the accounting profession.

I'm trying to break the mold.

We had a meeting this week with some graduate students who offered to help the agency and complete thier grad school thesis. As the meeting was wrapping up, someone asked how they found my agency.

Grad Student: We found your website. I'm totally into the whole drug cartel thing.

Me (after a 5 second uncomfortable pause, someone had to say something): So, are you pro or con on the whole drug cartel thing?

Obviously a sarcastic question. Right?

Grad Student: Actually, a year ago my husband and his brother were kidnapped by a cartel and left for dead in the mountains. They managed to escape and came out of it alive.

Uh.

I could feel my ears burning as my attempt at humor went down faster than (insert penis erection failing story here).

Only way it could have been worse is if her husband died.

No more jokes from this guy (Jon Gruden reference).

But seriously, pro or con for drug cartels? Not a good start for any kind of joke.

36-34 Or...

2011-11-09T22:21:00.001-06:00

I like to buy clothes online. When Kohl's gives me a 30% coupon in the mail I go on their website and buy pats and shirts, of course, without trying them on.

I've worn the same two pairs of pants to work for the past two months. Tan on Mon/Wed, blue on Tues/Thurs, complimented with jeans on Friday. That is, until the tan pants lost both buttons. Only the zipper held them up.

Faced with this predicament pulled out a new pair of tan pants on Monday. They were a little tight in the waist but had the 36-34 lable stiched on. Most of my pants have the flex waist feature so I figured I could work through it.

Not these pants.

They were tighter than shit. I had to hitch my belt to the tightest option so it wasn't sagging on my waist. Pained me all day long but I still hung to my new concept of 1st/2nd (11:30/1:30) lunch. I felt bloated all day.

Tuesday I had a suit and tie meeting in the morning. I don't like wearing that stuff all day so I brought clothes to change in to after the meeting; tan pants and golf shirt. Needless to say they were the same tight ass pants that I wore on Monday. I had to deal with the same shit for yet another day.

Those pants are currently in the garbage, not dealing with that again.

What Is This Face Telling Me?

2011-11-09T21:41:00.001-06:00

Fall Leaves

2011-11-05T16:08:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting here, watching the Badgers demolish the Boiler Makers, and I see my neighbor's dad raking leaves.

Me: Weren't you doing this last weekend? We still have leaves on the trees!

Neighbor's Dad: I knew you were going to come out and say something, especially after last week's comments. You were drunker last weekend, is there something wrong?

God my neighbors know me too well. But I'm glad they care.

Facebook

2011-11-02T20:57:00.001-05:00

I lasted three days on Facebook. I only signed up to get 2,500 credits on Contract Killer, but in the end I guess I ended up referencing a turd pic the FA sent me, which also went out to his 115 "Freiends" on Facebook. Again, I'm not really sure how Facebook works but I'm out of the game. I don't need to follow anything but Yahoo! Finance.

What I Ate On Monday

2011-11-01T08:58:00.001-05:00

8:30 Cottage cheese
8:30 Beef stick
10:30 Chicken breast
11:00 Fun size Snickers bar
11:30 2 12oz bowls of veggie soup
1:15 2 12oz bowls of veggie soup
2:30 3 fun size Snickers bars
4:45 Chicken breast
9:00 Large supreme pan style Pizza Hut pizza

After looking over all that, hard to believe as it is, I think I spent more on food than I did on $5.50 pitchers (4) last night.

Off The Hook

2011-10-22T19:49:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning not knowing what the plans were. I knew there was a Halloween party tonight but I realy didn't want to go, having to get dressed up and all. I would rather put a suit and tie on than dress up for Halloween. I wasn't sure if I was committed to going.

I worked out in the bsement. I opened a beer.

Renter: I can't believe you're making me go to this party alone.

Thank you, Jesus. I had figured I had agreed, after 20 beers on Friday, to go to the party. I tend to agree to things I wouldn't usually do after I've been drinking (still regret turning down that three-some, the other dude was hot!). So, being off the hook for this party, and not having to tell the Renter that I didn't want to go after possibly saying I would, ah, golden. I get to stay home and watch the Badgers take care of Michigan State.

Elbow Issues, Last Post

2011-10-11T20:13:00.001-05:00

After laying off most back exercises (especially those using body weight or the 90 lb dumbbells), the elbow has gotten significantly better. While I can still bench 275 without pain, any pulling exercises have been limited to 25 lb dumbbells for multiple, multiple reps. While quite depressing, if it makes my elbow flaring go down I'm all for it. I now blame this on msn.com, which had a "big biceps" post that said after doing pullups, you should hang from the bar for added effect. And a stressed tendon, which they failed to mention. Assholes at msn.com.

Diamondbacks/Brewers Game 5

2011-10-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

The Brewers and Diamondbacks, playing the game 5 final, you'd think it would be a pretty important game. Game 5, best of 3, and they schedule it for 4:00.

When most people work till 5:00.

I don't understand it. I guess, on the plus side, I won't have to deal with traffic on the way home, but still, not cool.

You Might Have A Problem If...

2011-10-01T15:18:00.001-05:00

You have a cooler full of beer in front of you when the fridge is eight feet away.

Go Brewers!

Engine Oil, Any Thoughts?

2011-09-28T21:07:00.001-05:00

I like to change the oil in the Jeep Wrangler every six months. I've heard from car people that six months between changes is a bit much, especially with the harsh Wisconsin winters. But the thing is, I think I've put on 1,000 miles since this spring. An oil change might cost me $20 but is it worth it? Keep in mind that this Jeep should last me another 20 years (putting it at 30 total). Commenter's thoughts appreciated.

Fart/Office Visitor

2011-09-27T10:07:00.001-05:00

We have a new guy in the office, been here a little over a month now. For some reason he and I get along really well, almost too well. We are 15 years apart but you'd think it was more like five. (I think I'll stop at that before this starts to sound like a love fest.)

Anyway, one day I ordered the chicken nuggets from the cafeteria. The new guy likes to eat healthy stuff and hasonly eaten at the cafeteria once. So I showed him my nuggets (!) and he jokingly mentioned that I should save him one. Not wanting to disappoint him, guess what was sitting on his desk when he got in the next morning? Guess what was in my office the morning after that? So we have this "pass the nugget" thing going on. Apparently it's in my office now but I haven't been able to find it yet.

Last night I had a box and a half of mac and cheese. My body doesn't handle cheese well, even if it's fake cheese, especially when it's covering a pound and a half of macaroni. I was experiencing (and self regulating) some serious gas this morning in my office when the new guy stuck his head in the door, sniffing. "It smells like five day old chicken nugget in here!", referencing our ongoing game. But then his face changed. I didn't have to tell him it wasn't a chicken nugget smell that he was forcibly feeding his nose.

Beer, Flushes

2011-09-24T13:57:00.000-05:00

I went to get beer today and this is what I came home to.

Seriously.

This was after three flushes. I thought my shits were spectacular, but this takes the cake.

At the store, buying said beer, eight 30-packs (because that's all my Jeep will hold)...

Cashier: Thirsty?
Me: Just buying in bulk, saving on gas.
Me, thinking: I'm an alcoholic, what the fuck do you care? Want to go out tonight? Or come over to my house since I have all this beer? And get naked? My penis my or may not be operational, you know, being a Saturday and all.

Guy behind me in line: Are you expecting the apocalypse?
Me: No, this is actually a small purchase.
Me, thinking: I usually call ahead of time and they wheel out 30 30-packs for me. Don't give me shit because you have to go back home to your wife and kids, Mr. I have Pampers and tampons in my cart. Asshole.

And now I'm stuck watching HGTV bathroom projects when my bathroom might be 20 square feet (basically enough room for shitting).

Beast Mode

2011-09-23T22:35:00.001-05:00

I'd show you Beast Mode but my face was in there, but congats to the Brewers on making the playoffs.

Free Hug Day!

2011-09-21T18:15:00.001-05:00

I was walking to City Hall today when I saw a group of girls all dressed in black. I figured there might be some goth convention going on downtown and stayed on the right hand side of the sidewalk. I couldn’t help but sneak peeks at them, trying to not draw their attention. The first three were pretty good looking, one with a shoulder-less shirt on. They passed by me but there was one more to go, a total Sasquatch. Before I got passed her she stopped, and with her arms held out asked, “Would you like a free hug?” First off I’m thinking whoa, I’m standing here looking eye-to-eye with this girl and I don’t think I could possibly wrap my arms all the way around her. But I figured hey, if I don’t give her a hug she might feel let down, so I put on a smile and gladly accepted her offer. As I got in close she put her arms around my shoulders and squeezed. My arms were under hers and somehow (?) found her ass. She whispered, “That’s the best hug I’ve had all day,” without letting go. I turned towards her ear, smelling her hair a bit too deeply to be comfortable, and whispered back, “Well, it is hump day after all.” She slowly pulled away, just far enough to where my hands were on her hips and our faces were inches apart. She nodded to the next building, “You know, I have a room at the Hilton. Can I take you up on that offer?” Sadly, she was 6’4” and 200 lbs, and even worse, I was on company time (not that that has stopped me before in lessor/non-career jobs - also back in the day that I still had a functional penis). “I can’t, I have to go back to work. Could we settle on a ki…” Before I could even finish my sentence she grabbed my head with both hands and planted her lips squarely on mine. In no time it turned into a full-blown make out session. Her friends were cheering her on, people walking on the street were looking at us awkwardly as they had to walk around 400+ lbs of public affection. Eventually I managed to pull away and thanked her as she excitedly waved goodbye.

But could you imagine if I wasn’t on work time? I probably could have gotten one of her friends to join us in some hot, steamy, mid-afternoon three-way action! Mid-afternoon sex is always great, feels a little naughty like you should be doing something productive, wouldn’t you agree? And a three-way? I think, maybe, yeah maybe that would be a first for me.

And could you imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t been a pussy and kindly declined her offer of a hug (which is what really happened)? I swear, God, I appreciate you throwing me a bone every once in a while, but I think Your selection and timing are just a bit off.

[Apparently the Paul Mitchell Academy was at the Grand Avenue Mall today and their students were giving out free hugs. When I got back to the office I quickly looked it up and found video clips of rather stunning women giving hugs on the streets of downtown Milwaukee. And I get a Sasquatch (shaking my fist at the sky).]

First Real Sunday of Football

2011-09-20T19:54:00.001-05:00

The Green Bay Packers had their first 12:00 game this past Sunday. In my mind, any other start time is anti-football religion. Getting to a bar at 11:00, watching the game, and getting home around 6:00 with a possible night ending level of intoxication, well, I can't say enough about how muc I enjoy that.

Last weekend we changed it up a bit, going out for the Badgers game (who gets ESPN 3?) on Saturday for beers while the ladies went shopping and stayed at my house on Sunday for the NFL action. It all started around noon on Sunday with the Packers falling down 0-13 in the first. They managed to turn that around for their second win of the season, thank goodness. Oh, and the Renter made some mad steak fa-gina's as we call them over here.

I personally managed to get a little positive action (thank you Packers lack of defense/ability to score, and how could I go against Tom Brady?), and turned a number of beers upside down. I think I polished off 27, but the over/under on that is still to be determined. The truth might never come out, thanks to not one but two conspiracy theories.

I paid for it on Monday. I had a friend's grandmother's funeral to attend Monday morning. I'm not sure if it was the funeral or the beer but I was noticebly sweating for no other reason. I could have just sent flowers but like I told my friend, attending was cheaper. And more personable, that's the main point, right?

After that I don't think I peed all day. I was in a funk all day/night, opting to lie in bed after work instead of lifting weights. I couldn't even crack open a beer during Monday Night Football. I stuck with water and my banky, curled up on the recliner with the puppy.

Unfortunately, I think this Monday night ritual might continue as I'm getting older. Guess you have to take a night off the sauce every once in a while, right?

If you're a pussy, that is!

Fuck, if my life is comingto this...

7:30 am, Saturday

2011-09-17T07:28:00.001-05:00

So, I know it's rather early yet, and I have coffee brewing in the kitchen, but I just noticed that I still have 10 beers in the cooler from last night, covered in ice even. That coffee better finish soon...

Tennis Elbow Diagnosis

2011-09-13T18:57:00.001-05:00

I think I've finally figured out why my left elbow has been sore for the past month. Hand with me here while I give you the ins and outs.

Over the weekend I started to put a pillow under my arm to protect it from the metal chairs on the deck. I figured the many, many hours that I spend outside watching TV and drinking, sitting in the same chair with metal armrests was irritating a nerve or tendon in my elbow. After a weekend of this "treatment" it started to feel better. I even had the Renter perform some secret Asian message techniques that also seemed to help.

But then, after lifting weights on Monday, it hurt just the same as the previous week. My workout on Monday was just bench press, incline pushups and situps so I didn't really do anything to agrivate it. At that point I started thinking about making a doctor appointment.

Tuesday I went downstairs to lift weights with a little trepidation. It was back and biceps day which really puts stress on the elbow. I started with the normal pre-workout routine - that being playing with my penis while watching porn on my phone to get the blood pumping a bit. This would be totally wrong if I worked out at a club, but in the privacy of my basement, I don't see anything wrong with it.

I've been doing the whole self pleasuring thing pretty much every day since the summer of sixth grade. I'm surprised the little guy hasn't gotten fed up with me and gone on strike by now. Lately it's been four times a week before I lift weights. But, in the past 21 years, I've developed "my" perfect position. I tend to prop one hand on a stationary object, stand on my tippy toes and go to town with the right hand, praying that I'm able to keep my balance for the 2-3 minutes of glory. This has served me very well through the years, except for that one incident with my one friend's sink that detached from his bathroom wall, but I managed to put it back together in some working form or another.

Tuesday I went downstairs like normal. I dropped my drawers, turned on my phone, put my left hand on the clothes washer and went to town. At the peak of raising my heart rate, teetering on my tippy toes and left hand, I felt the pleasure (ahhhh!) and then an intense pain in my elbow. Appearantly my pre-workout routine has been the cause of my elbow pain. Who would have thought?

After figuring this out, I sat downstairs and thought, "Now what?" Having kept this schedule for the past year I knew exactly what I had to do first: hang a sign on the washer reminding myself to not masturbate on the washer, otherwise I'd be down there tomorrow doing the exact same thing. But if I don't use the washer as leverage, what do I use? Do I have to devise a new positon when this one has worked sooooo well for me for the past number of years? Seriously, I do accounting, 98% of what I do is repetitive and change is frowned upon. I live my life the same way. I sweat when something new comes up (meeting new people, public speaking on the rare occasions it happens, auditors), and don't handle change well. And now, something that I've grown to love and cherish has been taken away from me?

I guess at least I figured it out. Next on the list is figuring out why both my eyelashes are burned to the point they're curled up on the ends.

Rough Sunday

2011-09-11T17:29:00.000-05:00

It's been a rough Sunday of NFL games, along with a Brewers win, and Puppy's out. And it's not over yet, we're still hoping for a high scoring game in the late game, if you get my drift. Or at least I'm hoping for a high scoring game, don't really care who wins. Kind of weird not having the Packers playing but I'll take the Thursday win non the less.

9/11, I remember very well, many miles away.

Trip (And Fall) To The Casino

2011-09-07T19:37:00.001-05:00

Last week Thursday four of us hopped into the Renter's car and made a trip to Potowatomi for some food and games. We ate first at Rui, fine Asian food as always.

I sat down at a table and left up $300. Sat down at another table and picked up another $150. Then we sat at Bar 360 for a bit before I snuck out to another table where I lost $200. I went back to the bar and started booty dancing with my friend's wife, as good (bad) as booty dancing can get for a 6'5" wite guy. And then I biffed it.

I woke up in the morning with a huge bruise on my side. I had no idea where I got it from. I guess, while trying to dance, I fell over and hit the corner of a table. I was told I bounced back up saying I was ok and we headed for the exit but again, that'swhat I was told.

A week later I still have the bruise. I can see how everyone at the bar stood up to look at me lying on the ground. Thank goodness we made a quick gettaway.

Man Child

2011-09-03T17:05:00.001-05:00

I have my friend over. The Renter bought him a backpack in one of those back-to-school sales. Now he thinks he can pack it with clothes and spend the weekend. Every weekend. It's not that bad when it's nice out but when it's rainy, as in today, I'm stuck trying to put up with him in my living room. I don't have a big house, maybe 950 sq ft, three bedrooms with one converted to a shoe room. And now, 5:00 pm on a Saturday, he's drunk and sleeping on my $2,500 couch downstairs. I'm starving and want to go out for food but I'm not sure if I can take him out in public. This coming from the guy with a multi-colored bruise on his hip from biffing it at the casino (bruise with $200 extra cash in my pocket = ok with me).

The Renter told him he can't hang with me as far as drinking wise. "The Big Dog" was mentioned. I don't know if that was a compliment or not.

Neighbor(s) Movement

2011-09-01T09:32:00.001-05:00

Walking the puppy this morning I noticed both of the neighbor's cars are gone. Not only both of his but the three other cars of the house crashers are also gone. The weird thing is its a nice day and he normally rides his motorcycle to work. Being September 1st, could my greatest dream have come true and my pot smoking/can't afford the rent so let's have eight people live in a two bedroom house neighbors moved out?

Weekend Escape To Michigan

2011-08-31T15:03:00.001-05:00

This last weekend the Renter and I got out of Milwaukee and hit the road for Gobles, Michigan. That's about a 240 mile drive but going through Chicago makes it seem like a lot farther. We usually leave after work on a Friday and that timing doesn't help any.

Once we got there everything was lovely. Between our friends' cooking (awesome) and time spent chilling, talking and cruising the lake, you couldn't have asked for a better time. I took three 30-packs and a cooler pre-filled with 22 on ice and managed to go through all but ten cans by Monday night. I've driven there before with nothing but warm beer and the hour spent waiting for the beer to get cold is excruciating; hence the cooler being pre-stocked. I walked up to their house with a cold one in hand.

We left on Monday and were invited to stay at our friends' house in Chicago. The Renter and I have off from work this whole week. I figured this would be a nice break in the drive, dividing it up in half. But I guess, after many beers, it was decided that we'd spend a couple days in Chicago. I felt like getting out of our friends' hair after one night. We had off from work but they didn't and who wants two people camped out in your living room for any extended period of time? And I was down to $30 in my wallet. I caught hell from the Renter for wanting to leave but even she was worn out by the time we got home on Tuesday. Oh, and leaving at 1:00 pm on a Tuesday in Chicago meant there was no traffic on the freeway. That made a huge difference.

I had been getting texts from my friends while I was out of town.

"When are you guys coming back?"

"I'm jonesing to go sit on your deck!"

"How do you put up with babysitting the Man-child?"

Wouldn't you know it, even with the threat of rain looming, I had friends over four hours after I got home. We all huddled under a canopy as the rain came down, watching the Brewers game from the TV in my kitchen window. While leaving one group of friends was tough, seeing the regulars after a four day absence was nice, too.

A Little Vay-cay

2011-08-27T15:45:00.001-05:00

I'm currently in Gobles, Michigan. If you blink while driving through downtown you'll miss it. But time spent with friends at there lake house is priceless.

I'll be back in touch once I meander back to the great (ehem) city of Milwaukee.

Tennis Elbow

2011-08-23T18:11:00.001-05:00

This slight pain in my elbow that's been bothering me for the last three weeks, I'm starting to think it's tennis elbow. It only hurts on the inside of my elbow. I know, I don't play tennis, but I do enough "swinging og the racket" if you know what I mean. But for that theory to work, tennis elbow would have to be contagous like pink eye since it's my left elbow that hurts and I predominately "bat" right handed.

Back to the drawing board.

August Issues

2011-08-18T21:37:00.001-05:00

I've had a number of issues this month. In no particular order...

1. I should get my snowbower fixed. I'm anal about my Jeep, changing the oil every six months even if I've only driven 1,000 miles over those six months. But my snowblower, just two years old, had an oil leak and seized up on me. Two days before we got 24" of snow. I'm guessing it's going to cost me $300 to fix it. I don't want to pay $300. The alternative is shoveling all winter. One of my grandfathers died shoveling snow. I'm still contemplating getting it fixed, wouldn't have to save for retirement that way.

2. The gym membership at Marquette, across the street from my work, would cost me $135 for the fall semester. Not only would I not have to workout after work, I'd have access to more equipment than I have in my basement. I could probably make noticable improvements in those four months. Also, I? Glad the Brewers are doing well, and padding my pocket with low scoring games, but when it takes me an hour to drive six miles after work I don't really feel like working out. I'm still contemplating getting the membership.

3. I thought about doubling up my monthly check to the FA. With the market being down the last month I figured I'd could buy in at some reduced prices. Hopefully, heaven forbid, I won't need the money for years to come, but there are still global worries about pert near everthing. The market might still go down more but shit, I remember how it was three years ago. That was scary. Paying down my 5.5% mortgage doesn't sound that much more appealing but it's always a safe option. I don't pay any interest on my credit cards so I'm good there.

4. Hot tacos. The Renter made some unbelievably hot taco meat on Sunday. On Tuesday I showed a new co-worker my breakfast (tacos). He commented on the smell that was whafting out of my office. It was pretty strong. So was the smell in the bathroom that afternoon. One of those where you don't notice it while you're sitting there, but when you stand up and catch a whiff of what's hovering above you - man. I'd like to add that I missed half of the Brewers game that night due to bathroom issues at home.

I ate more of said tacoes tonight since they were both available and free. Can't wait till tomorrow morning. Fireworks, baby.

5. I've been thinking about looking for a new job. This won't fix all my problems, but it might help. With my job I have to live in the City of Milwaukee. Well, the City of Milwaukee is going to shit. With all the black youth ganging up and beating up white people, with my neighbor's 16-yr-old daughter getting drunk/high and lying in the street, and with me owing more than my house is worth, getting a new job and moving out of the city isn't much of a option. At least the moving out of the city part, getting a new job would just be the first step to freedom. But then again, most of my friends live within walking distance to my house. Sure, I could do without my neighbor and his loud stereo but that's fixable. I could call the MPD about the noise nuisance at midnight and they could call me back, waking me up at 2:00 am, wondering if the loud music is still there. No joke. Now I have two noise nuisances.

My issues, minor/major as they may seem, I hope anyone reading this is doing better.

3:00 Munchies

2011-08-15T22:21:00.001-05:00

3:00 pm today at work I got bitten by the munchies. The cafeteria closes at 1:30 so I knew I'd be hittingthe vending machine. I don't like chocolate so my only other option was Ruffles potatoe chips. I grabbed $.85 and went down the hall.

There were some people from the business next door doing a tour so I tried to stay low key - even after my bag of chips didn't fall. My first reaction was to feed a buck in the machine and hopefully two bags of chips would fall but I only had a $5 and some $20's.

Fuck.

I went outside and had a cigarette, thinking about the chips the whole time.

After seeing that the chips were still hanging there (and after trying to rock the machine) I brought up the courage to ask a co-worker for a buck. Being the only financial person at my work this was a little hard, needing cash and all, but all I could think about were those chips.

Thankfully the first person I confronted had a dollar and both bags of chips fell.

My old savings technique of leaving every $1 bill in my pocket at the end of the night at home failed me miserably. My new savings technique of stashing $100's in my wallet didn't help any either.

Some days you just can't win. Thankfully the Milwaukee Brewers are taking care of that for me.

24 oz

2011-08-13T13:55:00.001-05:00

I'm not messing around today, starting with the monster 24oz Milwaukee's Best Ice.

Before/After

2011-08-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

I've gone through 26 30-packs of beer since July 3rd. Can you say "Ouch?" I figured when the Renter picked up 24 packs that it would last me at least two months. Obviously not the case. Mind you this is with going out occasionally and having two or three pitchers of beer. Sad to say, but thankfully Milwaukee's Best Light is on sale again for $12.79, except this time she's picking up 36 30-packs. I say "she" because if the Renter goes solo they load the Liberty for her, I just have to handle the unload. Maybe 36 will last me two months. God I hope so.

How my blood tests come back with a higher rating than the U.S. credit rating...

State Fair Mob Scene

2011-08-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

I'm really surprised this didn't make national news. If it did I didn't see it. The News media here tried to down play it as much as possible.

On Thursday, opening day of the Wisconsin State Fair, a group of 200-300 youth stormed the grounds, beating up fairgoers on their way out and on the streets around the fair.

That's how the media tried to play it off. In reality, it was 200-300 African American youth in the 15-18 age range who were beating up white people. This is not my opinion, just the disturbing truth. State Fair is located is West Allis, also known as White Allis. I'm not talking about rich white people but old school white people, those who've lived there their whole lives who worked in the local factories. Hard working people who don't put up with nonsense. When I heard reports of a standoff with local residents on one side of Greenfield Ave. and the mob of black youth on the other yelling at eachother, it blew my mind. There were ten officers inbetween the two groups. Ten. Individuals were being beaten in the street and anyone who tried to help were also attacked. A State Fair police officer was hit in the face with a Masterlock that was tied to a shoe lace. The black youth blocked 84th St., looked into the windshields of all the cars and attacked more white people. The youth were running over cars on the street and assaulting people as they went north on 84th street. The media reported hardly any of this.

Local representatives of prominant African American organizations went on TV and said the whole situation was not racially motivated but from all the forums I read that was the main cause.

It's really sad that Milwaukee is still like this. I won't be attending the fair this year.

If You Aren't Watching...

2011-08-04T22:21:00.001-05:00

The first episode of Jersey Shore Season 4 is on tonight. If you're not watching, you're gay. Or is it you're gay if you are watching? Either way, I'm confident, I'm watching the train wreck.

I'd Like To See This Replay

2011-08-03T15:41:00.001-05:00

With Corey Hart on first and George Kottaras on third, this is how the ESPN Gamecast read: Nyjer Morgan struck out swinging, Corey Hart stole second, George Kottaras scored, Corey Hart to third on throwing error by catcher Yadier Molina.

That's a lot of action for a play that starts with a strike out.

Morning Gas

2011-07-27T10:06:00.001-05:00

It's 10:00 a.m. and my farts don't seem to disseminate as quickly as they did at 9:00. I would just go shit and get it over with but my phone is dead. I certainly can't poop without some lame cell phone game to play. Let's just hope and pray that nobody comes in to my office.

New Puppy

2011-07-24T18:10:00.000-05:00

New puppy for $40, not a bad deal. Docile and potty trained, perfect.

Puppy Exchange

2011-07-24T11:55:00.000-05:00

I'm getting a new puppy today. I figured I've had Molly for over three years now and it's about time I exchange her for a new puppy. I just hope the new one is potty trained.

Abs

2011-07-23T17:59:00.002-05:00

Are there any stomach exercises that build side abs while sucking the gut in? I have abs, hidden a bit under a layer of, er, well, hidden, but I swear every situp I do makes my abs stick out farther.

This has absolutley nothing to do with drinking 15-20 beers a day, I might add.

Cell Phone Memory

2011-07-21T13:52:00.001-05:00

I bought a Samsung Epic when it first came out. It's not as cool as an iPhone but it can do everything I need it to. It came with a 16 gig memory card which is twice as big as my last phone. Playing around with it this week I noticed that I had less than 2 gigs of memory available. I went through all the apps I had downloaded and removed the ones I never used but that didn't do much good. I painstakingly went through all the porn I had stored and removed the ones with two guys doing one girl and ones where the chick sucked at giving blow jobs. This didn't free up much space either. I tried to delete all the pictures I had taken but in the process I somehow screwed up the whole system as it wouldn't delete any of them. Then I tried to access it through my computer but I don't use my computer at home much and absolutely hate Windows Vista. My last resort was to hand it over to the Renter. After five minutes she gave it back to me with 10 gigs of available space. Sweet!

Bitch had deleted ALL my porn.

Super Glue

2011-07-19T21:56:00.003-05:00

The Renter tried to super glue her heel to her high heels, but everything didn't go so well. Photo of the glue glued to her fingers (plural, both of them).

Man Of The House Chair

2011-07-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

I picked this up for $170 on Sunday. I dare anyone to sit in it.

Puppy Air Conditioning

2011-07-17T15:04:00.000-05:00

So it's 93 degrees today, and of course we're sitting outside enjoying the weather. But the Puppy, all 7.5 pounds of her, has a nice cool spot under the chair with cold water flowing through the hose. Must be rough.

Coming of Age

2011-07-15T10:18:00.001-05:00

As I get older I'm starting to realize that I have more choices to make. When I was younger and someone brought doughnuts in to work, I'd be polite and take one. Yesterday I had four. If the "free doughnuts" email went out at 8:30 it's not my fault if someone else didn't take one by 9:30. On Sunday's, if I don't want to go to church I really don't have to (but I still talk to The Big Guy on a regular basis). Someone suggested going to the State Fair at 8:00 pm on a Saturday and I nixed that, opting for a noon start time for fun in the sun with plenty of beer and a safe walk home around 8:00 pm (might give you an idea of where I live). The police used to be the enemy but now I don't have a problem making a call when my neighbor cranks his stereo playing some ghetto-ass music (the ordinance is no noise 50 feet away, not full volume until 10:00 pm as some morans think).

But there is one thing that was branded in my upbringing that I've never backed out of: going to the dentist. I've seen the same dentist my whole life, every six months as a kid, every nine months now that I have to pay for it. Being a moderate (ehem...) smoker and coffee drinker, regular visits to the dentist are probably advised. I've had two cavities in my life but I'm 95% sure those happened because of my addiction to sunflower seeds (whole seeds in one cheek and swapping them over to the other side after cracking them, all in the office environment mind you).

I got the reminder of my appointment in the mail this week. It seems that every time I go it ends up running me at least $125. I've been doing a new savings technique lately (yes, yet another savings plan). Every paycheck I've been sticking a $100 bill in my wallet. I've done this for eight paychecks now. Looking at this small sample, $125 taken out of $800 is a big percentage. In the grand scheme of things it's a penny in the wishing well (because I'm soooooo looooooaded!) but I like to play these mental money games; keeps me on my toes. The phone call went like this:

Me: Hi, this is B to the..., I have an appointment for next week Wednesday.

Receptionist: Yes, we have you down for 3:30.

Me: I was wondering if I could cancel that. It's a week away, is it too late to cancel?

Receptionist: No, that's fine. Would you like to reschedule the appointment?

Me: Umm, no, not really.

Receptionist: Would you like us to give you a reminder call in three months?

Me: Ahh, I'll put it on my calendar to call you.

Receptionist: Ok, just don't forget about us.

Success! I actually felt a little naughty when I hung up.

Butt Plug

2011-07-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who tells me he uses these twice a day. It's a paper towel that he puts in his ass crack to combat sweat. Totally understandable, butt sweat could bleed through and become noticable. But literally digging deeper, I found out that he balls up the end of it, for insertion, so it doesn't fall out (which I've been told it still does on occasion). This scares me a bit, that my friends partake in practices that even I think are weird. I mean, when I get loaded and you pass out there will most definately be pictures of my small penis or white ass looming over your head, but paper towel inserted into your rectum? Uh.

How Was Your Week Off?

2011-07-06T19:19:00.000-05:00

When I went back to work on Tuesday a lot of people asked me how my week off was. After having nothing but sunny weather in the 80's I was pretty tan so "sitting outside chillin" was one of my standard responses. It was also pretty much the only work place appropriate response. I couldn't really tell anyone that:

I bought 720 cans of beer because they were on sale.

My shorts (and underwear) came off for photo opportunities many times as friends passed out before me.

I had numerous water balloon fights with friends who came over.

I wrestled with the Renter in my underwear in the kitchen. Also had a bottle of tabasco sause stuck in my butt in said fiasco.

I performed my version of Superman in my underwear on the 4th (without leaving the ground, of course). I didn't remember that at all.

But what I think was the best of the week? I sat on my deck with a cooler of ice cold beer for the most of ten days, leaving my seat only to restock the cooler and use the bathroom. After spending eight hours at work on Tuesday my thighs hurt from walking. Mind you I have a desk job.

Beer On Sale

2011-07-03T22:17:00.000-05:00

I had to clean the bathroom and give Puppy a bath, but the Renter made a run to the store for 4th of July supplies and beer was on sale. I saved $1 a 30-pack, might as well stock up.

That is a picture from my kitchen. 720 beers, I should be good for two months.

Brewers Vs. Yankees

2011-07-01T07:55:00.001-05:00

Horrible series. The 3rd game, Randy Wolf against CC Sabathia, that's like me walking on to a porn set with Peter North. (As our "actress" for the day eyes his cock with fear and trepidation, she doesn't think twice about letting me fuck her in her belly button.)

CD/Stereo

2011-06-28T20:16:00.001-05:00

I've had issues with my neighbors lately, mainly their loud music and pot smoking. So I decided I might be able to fight back, certainly not on the illegal drug use side of it.

I had the Renter pick up an RCA cabel for $5 online, good price assuming it would have cost me at least $4 at Radio Shack.

But in my vacation mode, which means drinking at 1:00 every day, when I asked her for help I wasn't much help. I needed to move the receiver in order t get the 1999 200-disk CD player in the entertainment cabinet, which was a tight squeeze. After getting yelled at and loosing my helper I managed to wedge everything in, ugly as it was.

I'll have to re-route all the wires tomorrow.

But the first random CD that came on was Stevie Ray, classic shit. I turned it up, the guitar stroking at my heart. I knew it was a little loud but hey, first time testing out the stereo and the two 10" subs weren't even turned on.

I'll have to ask the nice neighbor if he'll be around tomorrow, possibly re-route the wires and turn the subs on. That would be six 10" subs, 2 independantly powered, echowing in my basement.

Let's just say REM shakes the house. Ice Cube's "Check Yo Self" might get to the foundation.

10 Days Off

2011-06-27T14:46:00.000-05:00

This, my friends, is how I prepare for ten straight days off from work. Seven 30-packs on the floor, two more in the fridge, and ten pounds of ribs (on sale for $1.99/lb). I'm sure I'll be beered and porked out when it's all said and done. At least this week it's supposed to be 80 and sunny. Can't ask for much better weather in Wisconsin.

Dan Gilbert Owes Me 9.5 Minutes Of My Life Back

2011-06-23T19:04:00.001-05:00

The NBA Lottery was May 17th. With over a month to interview and work out all the draft prospects, Dan Gilbert and the Cavs management made me wait nine and a half minutes to find out who they were going to select with the number one overall pick. Assholes.

The invoice for my time is in the mail.

Dumpster Diving

2011-06-21T21:45:00.001-05:00

I had a chicken burrito at work today. I'm always carefull with the garbage, putting the tray food side up in the garbage so the cleaning lady doesn't have to change the bag.

A co-worker swung by during lunch.

"So what do you do during lunch since you don't go anywhere?"

"I catch up on stuff, nothing major."

"Is that my time off request?", looking at a page on my desk.

"Yep." As I crushed the paper and threw it in the garbage.

"Don't you need that?"

Pulling it out of the garbage, with a hunk of chickenattached from the burrito, "No, I record the hours off your timesheet, not this," as I ate the piece of chicken that was stuck tot the sheet.

The co-worker freaked out, much to my pleasure. She left my office shortly thereafter.

Mission accomplished.

2nd "Outdoor Man Cave" Comment

2011-06-20T22:19:00.001-05:00

Some guy riding his bike with his dog practically fell off his bike as he stopped on the sidewalk.

"I don't mean to creep you out or anything but that's pretty sweet! What's the score?"

"8 to 1, not looking good."

"Again, that's pretty slick. Take care."

I think I'm giving the Heinecken guy a run for his money.

Love The Setup

2011-06-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

9:00 on Monday I was getting a little hungry. I had a sandwich at work at 4:00 but after lifting weights and eight beers I had to make a trip to the gas station for a pizza.

After pre-heating the oven and putting the pizza in I stepped outside to find a guy in a minivan on the street eyeing up my house.

"I like the setup."

Yeah bitches, I know how to roll.

If only I could get rid of my renting neighbors who are loud and obnoxious. The Renter is on their case, calling the authorities and the property owner. The owner is 83 so I'd hope, dark as it may sound, that the house might be put up for sale eventually.

Only time will tell.

Budget Analysis

2011-06-20T17:53:00.000-05:00

I was looking at my budget spreadsheet and what bills were going to be paid from my 6/24 paycheck. Analyzing the budget, if you will. More like anal-yzing; I have every bill scheduled till the end of 2013. I'm pretty anal when it comes to money. Probably the reason why salesmen drool over my credit rating when I apply for those 0% finance deals at retail stores (which I also keep at good amount of attention on in order to avoid any finance charges). But looking at my 6/24 paycheck, I noticed there were two payments listed for the exact amount, $524. I dug around on all my credit card websites and sure enough, I had listed the same payment twice. Grinning ear to ear I deleted the one, swapped $100 over to the "spend" line and moved the rest to the "savings" line. That $100 will come in handy as I have the week off and will most certainly start drinking at 1:00 every day.

David Patterson's Penis Photo

2011-06-12T21:07:00.000-05:00

Bad aim when you can't see.

Throw Him The Heater!

2011-06-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who's not 100% there mentally. He's a good person and I'd do pretty much anything for him as he would for me. But he has his antics. If he has six beers in him he gets a little loose. Watching sports with him takes patience.

He'll get confused with who scores during football games. Third and long might actually be first down.

But the Brewers, that's a different story.

My friend has a strong opinion about the Brewers. Chants of "Go Brew Crew!" and "Come on, Fielder!" echo in my back yard.

But the best is when the Brewer's closer is on the mound. "Throw him the heater!" is the standard call.

I had two friends over on Wednesday. The Brewers were tied in the ninth inning. We joked about my friend yelling the heater pitch request.

I took the puppy out. I got a phone call when I was outside, in the middle of picking up poop.

The voicemail: Throw him the heater!

We all got on our phones to send him a text. I asked all ten of my friends to send him a text, refferencing the heater. The end result: his phone blew up with texts. And the Brewers won.

I'll pick him up a 30-pack of High Life this weekend.

Happy Hour! Happy Hour!

2011-06-03T17:09:00.000-05:00

Appearantly my "happy hour, happy hour" chant translates to "drive straight home" in Korean. Home? It's always happy hour there! Sheesh.

Great Golf Ball Whacker Guy

2011-05-29T23:25:00.001-05:00

I went to thbe driving range with the Renter on Friday. Sounded fun at the time. Two days later I can't take the covers off me in the morning. Of course I swing like Tiger Woods, they make 9 irons to go 130, 3 irons to go 230, so swing hard every time, right?

If you want to be in pain for two days after.

I swear, 90 lb dumbbells over my chest, no problem, but a little white ball and a club in my hand...

Promises

2011-05-25T16:43:00.002-05:00

This post has sence been edited/deleted per the Renter's request/demand

Week Off, Schedule

2011-05-25T15:00:00.000-05:00

10:00 Wake up.

10:05 Make coffee.

12:00 Lift weights.

12:45 Take shower.

1:00 Put meat on the grill.

2:00 Afternoon is open.

I just needed a week off from work. Granted, I decided on this a month ago and so far the weather hasn't cooperated but still, my schedule has led to some pretty relaxing days. I still have to go in to work for an hour tomorrow to make sure the payroll went through correctly but other than that I'm good to go.

Overestimating My Abilities

2011-05-18T23:04:00.000-05:00

I've been pricing a new kitchen sink and faucet for a while now. The white plastic sink I had was kind of an eye sore. If I left dishes in the sink it took a lot of scrubbing to get food/dish marks off. And my faucet leaked a little, probably just needed a new washer or something but it was getting old, too.

Sunday was a cold day, 50 something and windy. After pissing off the Renter on Friday, not talking all Saturday, I put theolive branch out there and asked her if she wanted to go to a place on Lincoln Ave. I knew they had $2 cheeseburgers and free pool. I didn't know I'd be so rusty at pool.

After splitting the first four games the Renter laid out a bet. I don't even remember what I would have won had I won the 5th game but it doesn't matter. I lost.

Headed to Home Depot.

I could have found a new sink and faucet for cheaper but the one I bought almost lined up perfectly with the drains I currently had. I figured, even though not experienced with plumming of any kind, I'd be able to hook the new one up without any outside help.

(By the way, this plumming thing reminded me, I once dated a girl who "starred" in "Pumping Plumpers 3". Initials TL. Almost lost my watch in that vag, with three fingers in the back end.)

Back to plumming...

Boy was I wrong.

Fairly winded, at least two sheets, I cleared out the cabinet under the sink and took a gander. I had no clue what I was getting into. I got as far as turning the water lines off.

I had to call a friend of a friend to come over on Tuesday to "help" me put the new sink in. Somehow, while having friends over, I managed to discourage anyone from entering the house so we didn't have any distractions putting the new sink in. It went fairly well, two hours with only one trip to the store but we got it in (up to the wrist, fuck, wrong plumming story again). I spotted the guy $60 for two hours of work, most of it lying on his back in my kitchen. There was no way I could have done it by myself.

So now I know, don't try indoor home improvement projects without professional help and don't make wagers on poolgames, even against a girl.

Lunch/Dinner

2011-05-13T20:17:00.001-05:00

Renter: What do you want to do do for lunch?

I had taken the day off, I was open.

Renter: How about Indian, Korean?

No, I'm a little partial to bar food, beers, sports on TVs.

We went to a bar with a happy hour special, then followed a friend to a bar by his house. But then, I let the devils in. I was a little hungry, and the Renter took me to a place that I didn't want to go to, no TVs, no bar.

Sitting at a restaurant without a beer and guys to talk to scares me.

Price Of Oil

2011-05-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

Normally product pricing doesn't affect my budget too much. I don't really buy that much in mass quantities, except for beer, of course. When 30 packs of Milwaukee's Best went up $1 I complained but hey, it's still pretty cheap at $13.50.

The recent increase at the pump hasn't hurt me too much. I only drive 36 miles a week and even at 16 mpg I don't use that much. I should be griping about my home heating oil that went from $300 five years ago to $550 this year, but I took that hit without thinking about it too much. I did go online to compare the rates of different providers but they were all about the same price that I paid.

Today I went to buy oil for the Jeep. I've always bought Valvoline. It used to be $2.50 a quart. Last fall it was $4 and I ended up getting the O'Reilly brand because that was much, much cheaper. Now Valvoline is $6 and the O'Reilly oil is $3.50. Six quarts and a filter ended up costing me $25. You used to be able to take your car in for an oil change for less than $20 and not have to crawl underneath your car.

I've always changed the oil in my cars myself and will continue to do so. Again, since I don't put that many miles on, I think the cheap oil should be fine.

The guy at O'Reilly looked at me like I was crazy when I told him I only put on 2,000 miles a year and change my oil twice a year but if $25 keeps my car going strong I'll stick with it.

Big Guy, Small Dog

2011-05-11T10:17:00.001-05:00

I was walking the puppy this morning, half awake and just trying to get my eyes to focus properly when a neighbor stopped me. My dog does draw a bit of attention. I prefer the 20-year-old girls who bend over to pet my puppy while showing their puppies than the older crowd that I usually run in to. But this woman was armed and ready, waiting for me.

Old, old lady: My husband said I have to give this to you.

She handed me a neatly folded piece of newspaper. It was an article about the Packer's AJ Hawk and his little dog.

Old, old lady: He said you and your dog look just as comical as AJ and his dog!

Thank God it was 8:00 am and my brain wasn't functioning yet or I would have asked what exactly she meant by that.

Where's Waldo?

2011-05-05T22:21:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday I was looking at the TV in the living room. I noticed the Wii sensor had fallen from on top of the TV to behind it. The TV itself was a bit off kilter, too. I'm sure the Renter would know something about it.

Me: So, what happened to the TV?

Renter: You don't remember?

Me: Um...

I had started working on the Jeep at 10:00. I have two sets of tires for it, spiffy chrome rims for the summer, stock ones for the winter. I had just finished with the last one when a freind showed up at 11:00. That's when the first beer was opened.

Renter: You almost knocked over the TV on you're way to bed. You hit it and thanked God you didn't knock it over.

I fairly recall that. I wouldn't doubt the Renter's recollection.

All I remember was that it was a good long Sunday.

There might be a puppy hidden in that photo.

Dad's Wedding

2011-05-05T12:52:00.000-05:00

I can't go to the wedding, the way you left mom, moved to Florida, I'd be lying if I said congrats. Feel like you bailed out on me. I'm sorry.

Right Turn, Clyde

2011-04-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

Most people won't know this movie reference. Sad shame. As much as I dislike my Dad right now, he raised me well movie wise.

The Renter and I have a new coffee maker, programable. When we set it it makes coffee at 7:15 in the morning. Good shit.

Making a left hand turn, on a busy street, I say:

Me: Don't touch your co...

As I have to shift into second gear. Needless to say someone's fingers got pinched. I tried to give warning, but...

No Means No

2011-04-25T20:51:00.001-05:00

I have a friend who used to live accross the street. He's a little slow but yet good natured. He's always willing to help and I appreciate that. I gave him $20 for ten minutes of work to clean my gutters because I don't likme heights. I try to help the guy out whenever I can.

Today leaving work it had to be 60 degrees outside. I was thinking I could lift weights and sit outside till at least 7:00. But mother nature wasn't having it and after grilling some ribeyes for dinner the temperature dropped, too cold for Pupy and I to sit outside with a shivering fur ball on my lap. But that wasn't going to stop my friend.

Our five minute conversation:

Friend: Are you going to watch the Brewer's outside and have a fire?

Me: No, it's too cold.

Friend: But I have a box of wood for thefire pit!

Me: No, it's too cold.

Five minutes of that. The guy wouldn't take no for an answer. Can't wait till it gets warm outside.

Me: I need a BJ first.

Really don't want to know his answer to my request in jest.

2:00 4/23/2011

2011-04-23T13:55:00.001-05:00

Christ (Good Friday being yesterday and all), I'm four beers in to the day and already feeling the effects. Guess Southern Comfort on the rocks wasn't a good idea for a night cap. At least it wasn't a school night.

If Only I Had Tivo

2011-04-22T22:23:00.000-05:00

Some broad at the Brewer's game held up a sign, "Marry me, Ryan Braun", with her phone number listed. They showed it on TV, along with her reaction as her phone blew up with calls/texts. She was shocked to say the least.

Wish I had Tivo, be able to go back and get the fat bitch's number. Would have told her to lay off my man.

Sunglasses Galore!

2011-04-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

I hopped in the Renter's car Thursday morning to go to work. I drive three days a week, she drives two and to any local pub within a mile on the weekends. So no, I don't get out much but I have 18 hours of porn on my phone so don't worry about me.

Thursday was different from the norm. Being 6'5", my head tends to hover near the headliner in any car. I noticed things that looked like bats swooping down at me.

Nope, just the Renter's sunglasses hitched on the ceiling.

Ryan Braun, Signed Through 2020

2011-04-21T16:04:00.001-05:00

When I heard that Ryan Braun signed a five year extension to add on to the five years he already has left, well, I was running around the office with my fist in the air. My coworkers, non sports fans, just looked at me like I was crazy, even more so than usual.

Puppy Haircut

2011-04-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday the Renter and I took Puppy over to the FA's house to get her a haircut. The FA's wife does a lovely job trmming dogs. Pretty much the only person I would take Puppy to. And damn if Puppy doesn't look cute. The only problem, while looking like a prom queen, she doesn't have much insulation. I had to turn the heat up past the usual 60 degrees and put a sweater on her. Hopefully our Wisconsin weather will cooperate in the coming weeks.

Catch 22

2011-04-14T19:46:00.000-05:00

Along with the rather nice weather last night came a rather warm, fuzzy feeling. I started drinking right at 5:30 when I got home from work. Had the cooler filled full, Puppy on the leash, all set for a good evening. After the Brewer's won 6-0 I watched a movie on Netflix until 11:30. I went to bed, managed to put my left contact lense into the side with the big "R" and went to bed.

I felt like shit all day. Since I took Friday off there were things I had to get done so I went about my work, making sure to double check every calculation. After my 3:00 poop I looked in the mirror and I looked like shit. 5:00 couldn't come soon enough.

When I got home I assessed the damage. 22 beers were unaccounted for. I had no idea I had 22 beers, on a school night nonetheless. I have to start keeping track of the beers this summer, hopefully making a 30 pack last two whole nights.

Love/Hate Relationship

2011-04-13T20:39:00.001-05:00

6:00 Brewer's games. Either I get home, let the dog out and hit the weights in the basement for 30 minutes and get ready for the start or I get ready for a lazy evening outside (fill the cooler, make cigarettes). Since it was still 60 degrees when I got home I opted for the latter. Supposed to be 40 on Friday so I figured I'd take advantage of the nice weather. I can always hit the weights later in the week.

Speaking of which, it seems like every 12 months I put too much weight on the bench and tweak something in my upper back, right where the edge of the bench would be right below the weight. I only had 225 on the bar last week but I'd wince in pain right now if I tried to cradle a phone between my head and shoulder. So I'm sticking to 70 lb dumbells and pushups for the time being. Like I said, I've dealt with this before and it takes a month to clear up.

Sign of getting old?

(turned 34 last month)

AM Radio

2011-04-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

How lame is this. I have an eight year old radio at work. The AM stations don't work so I can't get the Brewer's games. But I don't want to pay $20 for a new one because the FM still works perfectly fine. This is the shit I think of in the middle of the night.

Stephon Marbury Tie

2011-04-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

For the bargain price of $30.94 (including shipping!) you to could have this wonderful New York Knicks Sthephon Marbury neck tie from the Fox Sports shopping site! What a bargain!

Beer Delivery

2011-04-02T16:15:00.001-05:00

I have many issues, maybe more personal problems if you will. I recently found out that I can't sit in a movie theater unless I'm on the end seat. What this means about my next plane flight, since I haven't been on one in five years, I don't even want to think about. Airport security, TSA, I'll end up flipping out and in jail. If not over the confined space, the $8 beers.

I have a thing with people in confined areas. Not even confined areas, just people in general. The general public. I don't know if it's me or them. Normal people buying groceries, going about their daily lives. Me waiting behind them at the checkout, with (just) six 30 packs of beer, I can't deal with it. I don't know if it's because I'm such a degenerate that I need to purchase six 30 packs at once or that these people feel the need to stall my simple purchase (simi arrogant B talking there). I just can't stand waiting in line at the checout. I'd buy more than six 30 packs at a time if I could fit them in my car, trust me.

The Renter thinks I'm an asshole, that I can't wait for other people. Part of her opinion might be true. I am an asshole. I didn't say anything to the little girl who bumped in to me at the bank because she was wandering around with her coat over her head, but I wanted to. "What the fuck?" "Can you watch your kid?" But I needed $300 out of my account, didn't want to piss off the bank tellers.

Last weekend I was at the store, strolling at a snail's pace behind this old lady. By the time I got to the cashier I was a sweaty mess. My fingers hurt from squeezing the life out of the shopping cart.

"Thanks for waiting."

The cashier was making small talk, or so I thought.

"No, no problem." I lied.

"I saw the look on your face. Really, thanks for waiting."

Was it that obvious?

So now I'm left at a quandry. Do I go back to the store with the cheapest prices and have to wait in line? Or I could hit a local liquor store, with no wait, but without shopping carts, make three trips in and out the door to get my weekly fix?

The Renter knows how I am. She's at Sam's Club calling me with things she thinks I might like, deals on bulk items, because she knows I can't spend more than 15 minutes in a store without having an anxiety attack. Surprisingly she's ok with this, not cool with it but she understands.

That said, I'd pay big bucks to have beer delivered to my house every Saturday. And chicken breasts and frozen pizza.

Beer delivery.

Excuse Me?

2011-03-31T23:04:00.001-05:00

Watching "Weeds" on Netflix (which is totally out of there if you knew where the Renter and I work).

Renter, burping: "Excuse me."

Me: " What? I burp and fart all the fucking time. I don't say "excuse me." I'd be saying that every ten minutes if I was of that nature. Mr. Efficiency, I'm not wasting my breath. Not worth it. If you shit on my couch you better say 'excuse me' and get the fuck out of my house for three hours because I will kill you, but a belch?"

Renter: "But what if we need to order this for the meeting next week?"

Do I look like I'm at work? If there's a beer in my hand I'm not at work. Save it for tomorrow.

And then there's my brilliant idea.

"If I rubbed Doritoes cheese on my cock would my penis be suckable?"

Not knowing what Doritoes cheese would feel like, and with the Renter offering the 3/4 empty bag of chips to dip my penis in, I respectably declined. I mean, I've had WD40 on my cock before and that shit burned. Spicy Sweet Chili Doritoes, I don't think that would end well, even if I had lips wraped around my penis.

The average Thursday night at my house.

New Tires

2011-03-26T19:01:00.001-05:00

The Renter and I have abnormal driving habits. Abnormal to the typical Midwestern peep. Our financial advisor (FA) wanted us to sign some paperwork out in Brookfield and we both balked at it. Driving to his office would equal 20% of our weekly driving routine. (Sorry, FA, thanks for bringing the paperwork over.)

Somehow the Renter and I ended up working at the same job. I might have helped a bit in getting her hired but she's perfect for the job. My company wouldn't be what it is without her. In a good way, of course.

Since we work/live together we car pool to work every day. I drive three days a week with the understanding that she will drive on the weekends if we go somewhere. Being Mr. Efficient I purchased my house six miles from downtown Milwaukee and six miles from Brookfield Square (good luck finding me, stalkers). Even for those not mathmatically inclined that's 36 miles I drive a week, even less for the Renter assuming we don't do anything on the weekends.

I have a 2002 Jeep Wrangler with 35,000 miles.

This weeked the Renter got a bug up her ass that she needed new tires. Back up a year, I used to goat her that she needed to save money for new tires, when the time came. I just wanted her to save money period and I know how much she likes her car so perfect, right?

Today she wanted tires. Actually got a good deal from Sears, $550 for four. I went outside and checked out her car. Still had a quarter of an inch of tread on them. Since we drive so little that quarter inch could last aother year. I could just see the service guys (who most certainly have bigger penises than I) laughing as we trade in perfectly good tires for new ones. Not wanting to be taken advantae of I round-aboutly got her to not get new tires (sit in her room for four hours) and not spend the $550 (because saving $550 is so bad).

And that has been my Saturday so far, sitting with puppy watching basketball, no human contact unless you count the FA texting me from the Bucks/Bulls game. Who watches pro ball in March?