Evidence

Little Puppy was a free puppy last night, snuggled up next to me in my bed. But at some point during the night she went into my backpack, pulled out my 80 page notepad/checking account ledger and ate it. Little Puppy's literally in the dog house right now.

Email to Jason:

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Restaurants.com Sucks Ass

The FA (of all people) pointed out to me that my corner bar/Mexican restaurant had coupons available on restaurants.com. The coupons at the time were a very good deal. You had to pay $1 for a $25 coupon. The coupon had stipulations that you had to spend $35 on food (no drinks) and they’d tack on 18% for gratuity. I bought two of them and ended up spending $20 each time after the $25 was taken off. No big deal, three of us ate very well for $20, including tip. But then a month later I got a bill on my credit card from Shopessplus.com. After doing a little research (complaintsboard.com) I found out that after ordering the coupons from restaurants.com they had in turn enrolled me in a monthly membership at Shopessplus.com. at a monthly rate of $19.95.

Say what?!

If this happens to you, call 1-888-243-6185, enter “#” when they ask for a membership number, and they will cancel your membership for you. I just did it with no problems. Although I do have to call back; the whole process went way too smoothly and I forgot to ask that they take the charges off my card.

And, to add insult to injury, I received the following email:

This email confirms that your cancel request for your membership in Shopping Essentials+ has been processed on 10/21/2009. Your cancellation confirmation number is 124333378-20091021. You do not need to do anything else to cancel your membership.

We thank you for your interest in Shopping Essentials+, and we hope your membership experience was a positive one.

If you have any comments or suggestions that might help us better serve our members, please feel free to email us at membersavings@shoppingessentialsplus.com.

Sincerely,

Shopping Essentials+
Member Savings

Nothing like a “We took you for $20 and you liked it!” email.

And my email to restaurants.com after I got the shopessplus.com membership canceled:

I received charges from shopessplus.com, after doing research I found out it came from a purchase on your website. Please delete all my personal info from your files. If I receive another email/charge related to my business with your company I will look into pressing charges.

B to the…

To which I got the response:

Hello,

At the end of your order there is an offer to receive $10 cash back for completing a survey and becoming a member with Shopping Essentials. For completing this survey you have agreed to let Restaurant.com give Shopping Essentials your information, including the credit card information that was used in your order. If you do not wish to continue your membership with Shopping Essentials after your 30-day free trial, you will need to contact Shopping Essentials before you get charged the $14.95 monthly membership fee, which will start 30 days after the completion of your survey, which is also the same date as your Restaurant.com order. Shopping Essentials number is 888-999-0564.




Sincerely,

Robert Guercio
Customer Support
Restaurant.com
Tel. 800.979.8985
Fax 847.506.9685
Email rguercio@restaurant.com
www.restaurant.com

Fuck you, dude. I never do online surveys. $10 cash back on my $2 purchase? Where’s my $8? Fuck you, dude.

Text Message Marathon

If you get more than twelve text messages in less than twelve hours from a woman who is more than fifteen years younger than you, run.

Kazemi, 4:04 p.m.: Baby I have to be w u 2nite. I dnt care where
Kazemi, 4:16 p.m.Tell me u gonna be w me
Kazemi, 8:34 p.m.: baby where u gonna be at when I get off
McNair, 8:50 p.m.: I'm at home baby what time u get off
Kazemi, 8:51 p.m.: round 11
Kazemi, 9:10 p.m.: where u gonna be at baby
McNair, 9:15 p.m.: at home til the kids fall asleep
Kazemi, 9:18 p.m.: k ill call when I get off
Kazemi, 10:23 p.m.: do u wanna get out n drink
McNair, 10:35 p.m.: Probably not baby having trouble with the kids getting to sleep
Kazemi, 10:45 p.m.: k im going to the condo in a min
McNair, 10:59 p.m.: ok
Kazemi, 11:28 p.m.: they asleep babe
McNair, 11:34 p.m.: they are on the way
McNair, 12:38 a.m.: On my way
Kazemi, 12:38 a.m.: k
Kazemi, 12:48 a.m.: u want me to open the gate
McNair, 12:52 a.m. (sent twice): No open the front door
Kazemi, 1:14 a.m.: its open

RIP, Steve McNair

Out Of Touch?

I went to a Halloween party on Saturday night. Not having a beet until 7:00 pm on a Saturday is not fun. I wore the cummed on Plaxico Burress jersey that the Renter made with the gunshot wound on the leg (which surprisingly the FA's mom understood!). More on the party later. Here's what I didn't get: the FA's wife, all sexy and that, had some skimpish outfit on. She said she was going as Lady Gaga.

?

I have no idea who Lady Gaga is. Am I out of touch with the world?

Bank It

Last night the Renter had a straight in shot on the 8 ball.

Me: Stop, stop, hit it off the rail so you don't...

She hits it.

Me: ...scratch.

This led to a huge argument because I tried to help out. Now my Halloween costume is sitting in the garbage and the last thing I remember putting in there was sperm; not in a napkin or paper towel, just on top off everything else in the garbage. Don't think I can bring myself to where that.

Steve Phillips' Affair

For some reason I thought she'd be hot and sexy; definitely not the case.

Donatella Versace To Star In New Batman Movie As Female Joker

My Yahoo! Personals Ad

I don’t know why but I still have a Yahoo! Personals page floating around out there. While I’m on Yahoo! Finance a lot I rarely go into the personal pages looking for my next victim, I mean date. When I set it up I really didn’t have visions of grandeur, women contacting me left and right, enjoying more sex than is physically healthy for a man. I started the blog for the sex (a rousing success, I might add). My page looks like the following:

Ok, I’m not really here to find a girlfriend or anything like that. My life is pretty much set in its way. I’ve worked hard(ly) to get where I’m at and I just don’t feel like changing much anymore. But I have been told I’m fun to hang out with (you know, the whole stimulating conversation along with fits of laughter complete with the occasional fart joke – sans actual fart). Beers, drinks, sports, and a sports bar – sound like fun? And as a gentleman should, I’ll even pick up the tab. Hey, if you don’t have any fun at least you’ll get some drinks for free. You know what they say, free drinks always taste better. And I might even look like Brad Pitt if you have enough of them (wink).

God, after re-reading all that, sounds pretty freaking corny. Lame.

Like I said, I haven’t been in the actual site for a long time. Today I clicked over after the markets were closed and checked out the mailbag. To my surprise Lynda had left me a note:

Reading your profile made me, well, lol. (and you thought you were lame.) Funny stuff. So you’re looking to meet a stimulating conversation friend… is that right?

…a stimulating conversation friend who fucks. Come on bitches, wake up and smell the coffee!

Here are Lynda's pictures.

Stephon Marbury

Stephon Marbury turned down the Boston Celtics offer of $1.3 million to play this season. "I'm resting, doing what Michael Jordan did, enjoy life, do things I haven't done in 16 years, keep building my empire." Empire? I'm not gay but I'd gladly take it in the ass 82 times for $1.3 million.

I don't understand how these athletes can turn down this kind of money.

Halloween Costume – Have a Great Day!

Since it’s about that time of year again I figured I’d bring up this old email I received from the FA’s wife’s cousin Katie. The story goes that she had posted some pictures of a Halloween party she had attended on her Myspace page. Her Myspace page is listed as private or something like that; my Myspace page lasted about 30 days so I’m not all that knowledgeable about the site. The FA kindly saved them and emailed them to me (thanks again, I’ve “enjoyed” them more than you’d probably like to know).



After posting the pictures and doing my little write-up I received this email from Katie:

OK! I’VE EXCUSED YOUR BULLSHIT IN THE PAST BUT HOW THE FUCK DID I GET DRAGGED INTO YOUR SICK “I HAVE A SMALL DICK THAT I JERK OFF EVERYDAY” BLOG!! YES I’M YELLING!!!!! YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE AND THERE ISN’T A CHANCE IN HELL YOU’D EVER GET A PIECE OF THIS!!!

YOUR HOTTIE OF THE DAY-KATIE

FUCK YOU

Katie Pxxxxx
Have a Great day!

(One of the reasons why I don’t an email signature on any of my email accounts.)

To which I had to respond: It really isn’t all that small… but you’re right, I do jerk off a bit too much. Wouldn’t have to if you helped me out…

Katie: You’re an asshole!

Katie Pxxxxx
Have a Great day!


As for my Halloween costume, I’m thinking about either getting a Plaxico Burress jersey online or making my own, letters and numbers painted on with fake blood, sweatpants, more blood on my left leg and a toy gun. I’ve told others my idea. From the responses I received I gather that most of the chicks won’t get it but the guys will – just the crowd I’m going for.

I

Can’t

Win...



Ever.

Taking it All For Granted

I like to joke around. Some of the stuff I make fun of might not be socially acceptable as something to make fun of, but that doesn’t stop me. About six months ago I made fun of this subject. It had just burst on to the news channels and I thought it was a big hubbub about nothing serious. That’s what I thought then. Now that I have it it’s a little bit different.

I started to feel ill Wednesday night. I sat downstairs and stared at my weight set trying to get the motivation to do something but I just wasn’t up to it. I had to leave a meeting on Thursday because my throat was horribly scratchy and sore. I “made an appearance” at work on Friday but ended up leaving at 2:00. When people started to avoid me like I had the plague I decided it was time to leave. Friday night I sat and watched TV with six blankets on me alternating between the chills and the sweats. I went to bed at 2:00 am, fell asleep in a pool of sweat around 5:00 am, and got up on Saturday surprisingly refreshed. Still I thought it might be wise to see a doctor about my condition. Sure enough, H1N1. The doctor was flabbergasted that I had recovered from it in such a short time period. I wasn’t completely recovered; if you had put a lawn mower in front of me I would have lasted 30 seconds pushing that thing around. Same thing with a flight of stairs. I called my boss and told him the news. Guess who can't go in to work this whole week?

Good health is something that I take for granted. Now that I can’t do much more than walk and talk, I think of all the times that I should have lifted weights but didn’t due to sheer laziness. Before I got sick I hadn’t touched a weight for over a week. By the time I am actually able to lift it will probably be three weeks in between sessions. When I get back in the swing I’m going to change it up. Instead of doing everything in one day I’m going to break it out by body part; chest one day, back the next, etc… Hopefully that way I’ll be in the basement more than twice a week, expend a little more energy, and maybe get back in shape to the extent where I can enter the Wisconsin State Fair’s body building competition again. The last time I did it I faired pretty well, but that was five years ago.

Frustrated

Broncos #10, Jabar Gaffney

I'll bet you $1,000 Jabar Gaffney gets a fine from Mr. Roger Goodell for taking his retro striped socks and twisting them to make spirals. Knowing the NFL, this is a bet I can't lose.

Football Talk

Renter: Do you think Archie Manning likes either Peyton or Eli more than the other?

Seriously? This is football, not the Dr. Phil show.

Bill Simmons, The Sports Guy

Reader question: I'm a senior in high school and was assigned a project in lit class to create my own university, which other students would then "apply" to. Both me and my partner for the project are fans of yours and, remembering a podcast in which you discussed your dream of having a college named after you, decided on Bill Simmons University. We went back to the podcast and created it exactly to your specifications. We even put in your admissions requirement: female applicants just send pictures. We got a D on the assignment and a lecture from the teacher about sexism and taking the class seriously. Thanks, Bill Simmons.

Response: I don't even need to write it. And by the way, rarely if ever, has a reader e-mail made me this proud. The only way it would have been better is if you snapped at the teacher, "Shouldn't we have gotten a double-D?" Come to my Portland signing, bring the paper and I will autograph the paper and give you a free book. Take that, uptight teacher who doesn't have a sense of humor.

Olive Garden

Going to the Olive Garden tonight to seriously pig out, kinda like the Renter above.

H1N1 Flu

When you go to the doctor for your flu vaccine you normally get a needle in your arm. I was horrified when I saw this picture of a guy getting the H1N1 flu vaccine. Is that a needle up his nose? Turns out its just a nasal spray.

SMART Car

Imagine if this had been one of those SMART cars. Would have been ugly.

Microwave Oven

On Plaxico Burress:

He was happier to see his wife and son, who visited Saturday and Sunday, although her attempt to bring Burress a microwave oven was denied by guards.

Seriously?

It'll be a Good Day

New living room furniture was supposed to be delivered between 9:30 and 1:30. 8:30 my doorbell rings. I almost answered the door in my underwear. Cleaning lady showed up at 9:00 - to clean before the furniture came - so I had to help a bit with new curtains and shit. First beer opened at 9:30. I fully expect to not remember anything from today. Especially after not drinking till 11:00 last night, closing the bar, and waking up still loaded.

"Known" Bloggers

I don't read a whole lot of blogs. I have a few select ones that I pull up five days a week. One of them happens to be Jason Mulgrew, the self-proclaimed Quasi Internet Celebrity. I've emailed him a couple of times in the past. He had a photo of him standing on a scale when he was trying to lose weight to which I had to say, "Dude, what's up with the hobbit feet?" And another, "This whole blogging to get laid thing ain't working for either of us."

The other day I Googled "Jason Mulgrew." That's when I found out there was a Wikipedia page about him. Reading about him growing up and going to college sounded just as he has written on his blog. But then I came to this: "Since being cured of homosexuality in 2006..." I almost peed myself laughing so hard. Not knowing if he knew about it I had to send him an email. "You were cured of homosexuality in 2006? That's some funny ass shit!" To my surprise I got a response from him two days later. "You son of a...did you write that?"

I have now "befriended" three people on the internet that I have never met. Shannon,"Drunk and Single in NY," who used to send me lovely pictures of her boobies, Swandad, operator of "The Diary of Third and Long," who thankfully doesn't send me his boobie pictures (although he certainly could with all the ladies of NY running around), and now Jason Mulgrew.

All this boobie talk has gotten me a little excited!